


Come a Little Closer

by bmart57



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Blaine is very promiscuous at first, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, NYADA, New York City, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Songfic, the non-con is not klaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-06 14:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 72,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12819837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmart57/pseuds/bmart57
Summary: Life is made up of moments. Any single moment could change the course of your life forever. Kurt doesn't know it, but when Finn stops him from going to Dalton to spy on the Warblers, that was a defining moment for his life. Almost three years later, Kurt meets Blaine in class at NYADA. It seems like they've finally found each other, but the scars high school left on them may be a chasm to large to overcome.





	1. What's Past is Prologue

_How beautifully fragile are_  
_we that so many things can_  
_take but a moment_  
_to alter_  
_who_  
_we are for_  
_forever?_  
_~ Samuel Decker Thompson_

**October 2010  
**

Kurt stormed out of the classroom, poster board in hand and Puck’s offensive comment running through his head. _Why don’t you make yourself useful and visit the Garglers. You can wear all the feathers you want. You’ll fit right in._

What was it, Shit-On-Kurt week? If he had to hear one more homophobic comment or be pushed into one more locker today, Kurt swore he was going to scream.

His eyes were smarting, but he refused to cry. He refused to let Noah Puckerman of all people get to him. He pulled out his phone and checked the time quickly before angrily bursting through the back door to the parking lot.

Normally, Kurt would just let Puck’s comment roll off of him, but it had hit a little close to a thought that had already been going through his mind since Mr. Shue announced their competition the day before. There had been talk that Dalton was a “gay” school which Kurt had to roll his eyes at, but maybe there was at least _one_ out kid there, someone he could talk to.

If he hurried, he would have just enough time to stop at home, change clothes, and make it to Westerville before the school day let out. He was mentally flipping through his wardrobe for something that would fit in at a private school when he heard the door slam open behind him.

He turned to see Finn running across the parking lot. “Kurt, wait up!”

Kurt took a deep breath and released it slowly out of his nose so he wouldn’t snap at Finn. It wasn’t his fault the other football players were assholes, and it had been almost a year since Finn had bullied Kurt himself.

“What, Finn?” he said when Finn stopped in front of him.

Finn huffed, trying to catch his breath. “Where are you going?”

“To Dalton. I’m going to spy on the ‘Garglers,’ see if they’re a threat.” Kurt glanced over Finn’s shoulder, trying to avoid eye-contact. Finn was usually pretty oblivious, but he had rare moments of insight that made Kurt wary to look at him for too long.

“Kurt, look, man. Puck’s an idiot. He didn’t mean that,” Finn said awkwardly.  
“Of course he did,” Kurt snapped. “Everyone here means all the homophobic, hateful things they say to me.”

“C’mon, Kurt. It’s just Puck being Puck. Come back inside. We really need you on this one. I know the guys were giving you a hard time, but they were just messing around.”

Kurt clenched his jaw. “I can’t take anymore ‘messing around’ right now, Finn. I just can’t.” Kurt’s voice broke. He was still looking over Finn’s shoulder, closely inspecting the bricks on the school wall.

“I know. I told them to cool it. Just come back inside, okay?”  
Kurt sighed. “Fine,” he said after a pause. “But if I hear one more offensive comment out of anyone, I’m out.”

“Perfectly understandable,” Finn said with a gentle smile. He clapped Kurt on the back, and together they headed back into the building to discuss the boys versus girls competition they would have later that week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in following along with a playlist as you read, you can find one here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGf5R2tKWwU&list=PLG6Dvau-S8PaE2iy0hfxOnOKbsloBXkQ5
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. I Who Have No One

_Two and a Half Years Later_

A big ball of nerves was gathered in Kurt’s stomach as he stared blankly at the computer screen in front of him. For the last few weeks, he had tried to keep the butterflies at bay, but every time he thought of beginning his classes at NYADA – the school he had been longing to go to, dreaming about, and working toward for two years now – he felt like he might faint. 

He couldn’t believe it was finally here. Classes would begin tomorrow. A year late perhaps, but finally, _finally_ he had made it. Kurt was lost in thought, harkening on the journey that had bought him to where he was now. 

He remembered with some resentment his first NYADA audition, performing “Not the Boy Next Door” for Carmen Tibideaux, her commendation and then receiving his rejection letter. 

The heartbreak he felt at losing what he thought at the time was his only chance at escaping Lima washed over him, leaving him with a tightness in his chest. All those lonely, slightly bitter months after graduation working at the Lima Bean and performing in two-bit productions at the local community theater to boost his application for the next semester of NYADA. 

He then thought back fondly on the “intervention” his dad and Rachel had given him six months before. They had all but pushed him out the door and on the train to New York. He recalled his father’s words: “Kurt, I love you, and you’ll always have a place in my home, you know that. But you don’t belong here anymore. You need to go to New York. It’s where your heart is, and it’s the only place you’ll be truly happy. Go and live your dream, or make a new one, but you need to go.” 

A crying Kurt hugged his father and went about starting his new life. Rachel and Kurt scoured the city for somewhere they could afford to live, Rachel complaining that she couldn’t survive another semester with her perpetually sex-crazed roommate on campus. He moved into their little studio apartment within the week and found the job he’d had for the last five months. 

It wasn’t even a month into his life in New York that he received his second audition for NYADA. Kurt remembered his performance, a soul-baring rendition of “I (Who Have Nothing)” into which he poured all the anguish and loneliness he had felt in the preceding years at never having found someone to so much as understand what it was like being gay in a small town, much less someone to love him. And his audition had paid off – last month he had received his acceptance letter, and now he would be beginning his classes as a musical theatre major. 

_Kurt Hummel, things are finally coming together for you._

He snapped out of his reverie when the shrill ring of the phone disrupted the otherwise quiet office. “Good afternoon. Marissa Montgomery’s office. How may I help you?” He answered the caller’s question perfunctorily and got back to his duties as office assistant, pushing the nerves from his mind to concentrate on his work. 

*~* 

After a long day of answering phones and running errands, an exhausted Kurt pushed his way into his and Rachel’s small but tastefully decorated apartment. 

“Kurt, is that you?” Rachel called from the kitchen. Kurt rolled his eyes. Rachel always insisted on greeting him like they lived in a palace or like they ever had any visitors. Ever. Which they did not. 

Still, he answered, “Yeah, Rachel, it’s me.” 

He pushed the heavy door closed behind him and engaged the multiple locks on it. It was then that he noticed the smell. 

“Are you cooking?” Rachel never cooked. Either Kurt cooked their meals or they ordered out. 

“Yes, I am.” Rachel smiled over the counter at him, looking very pleased with herself. “I know you’re probably really nervous to start classes tomorrow, so I cooked you dinner to celebrate your first day of classes going well.” 

Kurt sat his bag down on the table near the door and look at her quizzically. “But my first day of classes hasn’t gone well yet.” 

She came around the counter and gave Kurt a quick hug. Kurt was secretly pleased to see the apron she was wearing, though he would be sure to tease her about it later. The big unicorn on it smiled up at Kurt, one of the last remnants of Rachel’s wardrobe before he had given her a big New York City makeover. 

“Yes,” she said into his shoulder, “but I know it will. You’re amazing, and you’re going to do amazing, okay?” 

He hugged her back tightly. “Thank you, Rachel.” 

She released him. “Okay,” she said brightly, clapping her hands together. “Go wash up, I’ll set the table.” 

Kurt smiled at her and headed to the bathroom, taking a big whiff as he walked. Smelled like some sort of pasta. That sounded perfect to Kurt. A carb fest was exactly what he needed to take his mind off of tomorrow. 

*~* 

Kurt blearily smacked his alarm and groaned at the early hour. He sat up in his bed and could tell immediately that he slept poorly. 

As he got up and dressed, he tried to focus on his resentment at having such an early first class instead of the nausea building up in his stomach. His task was made easier when he saw Rachel dozing peacefully. As a sophomore, she hadn’t been stuck with an eight am class. 

After he was convinced he looked fantastic – he’d worked on picking out the perfect outfit for longer than he cared to admit – Kurt rushed out of the apartment and to the subway. 

When he got to campus, Kurt barely looked around as he made his way to his first class. Rachel had already given him a tour and shown him where all his classes were so he wouldn’t get lost or be late. 

Kurt made it to the classroom in record time and plopped down in the semi-circle of chairs in the center of the room just as the professor entered. He looked around and took stock of the people around him. There were ten in all including himself. Six were girls, the rest guys. Everyone had similar body types and were classically attractive, Kurt noticed somewhat sardonically. Gone was the frumpy middle-class of Lima, Ohio. 

He brought his eyes to his new Acting I: Foundations professor. She was middle-aged, perhaps late thirties, with a stylish bob and a well-dressed figure. Kurt immediately approved. However, what relaxed Kurt most about the woman was her warm smile. He released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and waited patiently for her to signal the beginning of class. 

Finally, she came and stood in front of the group. “Good morning, everyone. My name is Allison Lane and may I be the first to say, welcome to NYADA, and welcome to Acting I. You guys are the cream of the crop, the top dogs, the best of the best, and I expect nothing less of you. Look around. The people in this room are going to be your scene partners for the rest of the semester." 

"You are all your best resource. Use each other wisely. Give constructive feedback and accept criticism with an open mind. This is not an audition. You guys are not competitors; you’re comrades. That being said, let’s jump right into the introductions. I want name, home town, major, and favorite production you’ve been in. Go.” She pointed to the dark-haired girl at the end of the row. 

And so they went around, introducing themselves. The names went right through Kurt’s mind, something he knew he would regret later. Most were musical theatre or acting majors, but he was caught up in the deluge of places these people had come from and productions they had been in. California, Iowa, Michigan, Kentucky, two from New York, Delaware. 

Everyone had said a different production. _Rent, Phantom, Spring Awakening, The Glass Menagerie, Hamlet, It’s a Wonderful Life._ All leads, Kurt imagined. His head began to spin. It occurred to him that he was probably not the most talented person in the room. 

When it was his turn, he said, “Kurt Hummel. Lima, Ohio. I am a musical theatre major, and my favorite production was _Into the Woods._ ” Of course, it was only a community production, and the Rapunzel couldn’t hit her high notes to save her life, and only about thirty people came to see the show, but no one in the room had to know that. 

After everyone had finished, Professor Lane clapped her hands together. “Alright, great. Now, let’s go ahead and start with some basics.” 

*~* 

Blaine swore as his passed down yet another hallway, the numbers on the doors heading in the opposite direction of the one he needed. If he didn’t hurry, he was going to be late for class. He was definitely regretting not having taken that tour they offered incoming freshmen a few days before. 

But then Blaine remembered the reason he’d been late, and he couldn’t feel any remorse. That redhead on his knees in the bathroom stall…he would have blown off the President to feel his cock buried in the back of that guy’s throat. 

Blaine turned around abruptly, realizing he was going in the wrong direction again. With his head in the clouds and his unexpected movement, he caught the guy walking behind him completely off guard. The boys collided, and Blaine dropped his phone on the ground. 

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” Blaine apologized immediately, bending down to pick up his phone. 

When he stood back up, he got a good look at the other guy. Taller than Blaine, but then again, most of the guys here were. The guy had a killer body, if his tight fitting shirt was any indication. He had short dark hair, expertly styled, with chocolate brown eyes and a five o'clock shadow. What did Blaine in, though, was the guy’s sexy half smile. 

“Don’t worry about it,” the guy replied, obviously eyeing Blaine up and down. “It was my fault. I was distracted by you walking in front of me.” 

Blaine returned the guy’s smile with his own sultry smirk and leaned closer to him. “If you think my ass looks good in these jeans, you should see it out of them.” 

The guy looked down at Blaine through lowered eyelids. “Oh, I intend to,” he said lowly. 

“Blaine.” 

“Will,” the guy replied. “You should give me your number, Blaine.” 

Will pulled out his phone and Blaine rattled off his phone number. 

“I’ll be in touch,” Will said, slowly beginning to walk away. “ 

Wait,” Blaine said suddenly. “Any chance you could tell me where room 301 is?” 

Will laughed. “Should’ve known you were a freshman. Back that way,” he nodded his head in the direction they had both been walking from. “Second hall on the left all the way down.” 

“Thanks!” Blaine called, walking quickly in the way Will had indicated. 

Relief washed over him when he got to the door with the correct number above it. Just as he was walking in his phone vibrated in his pocket. He took it out, seeing he had a text from an unknown number. He paused just inside the doorway to read it. 

_Can’t wait to see your ass out of those jeans._

He smirked, quickly added Will’s number to his contacts, pocketed his phone and looked up. 

His eyes immediately met piercing blue ones, and his heart skipped a beat. The boy looked away quickly, but Blaine was hooked. He eyed the other boy up and down, noticing his very chic outfit, his slender build, his flawless skin, and coiffed hair. The buy was good-looking yes, but that wasn’t it. This wasn’t the same attraction Blaine had felt to the other guy in the hallway. 

The truth was Blaine recognized him immediately. He didn’t know his name, but he could never forget that face. He had longed for this boy for years throughout high school, but he had either been in a relationship or been too cowardly to go up to a performer in a rival glee club to talk to him. 

And this was the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. It wasn’t sexiness or allure; it was pure, unpolluted beauty. 

And he had to have him. 

*~* 

Before Kurt knew it, he was headed to his last class of the day, Musical Theater Techniques. His day had been quite anticlimactic really; he was starting to feel a little silly for all the nerves. 

His other classes had consisted of introductions and brushing up on basics, and he had lunch outside in the courtyard, people watching and texting Mercedes, Rachel, his dad, and Finn, all of whom had wished him good luck on his first day. 

The only other notable part of his day had been his ballet class with that witch, Cassandra July. Rachel had warned him about her, of course, but it still burned Kurt up when she told him he had chicken legs and his plies were “pathetic.” 

Still, Kurt’s mood had drastically lightened since that morning. Despite being disheartened by the realization he’d had that he was not the most talented person at NYADA, the nerves all but dissipated as he familiarized himself with his new home. 

No, he may not be the best here now, but he vowed to really soak up as much as he could, really learn to harness his talents, and by the time he graduated, he would be one of the best. 

And Kurt had spent so much time being nervous, he forgot to be excited about the fact that he would finally be formally trained. His classes no longer consisted of doing boring math equations and learning useless facts about dead presidents. He was meeting with a vocal coach individually, as well as learning ballet, acting, musicianship. It was thrilling. 

Kurt walked into the classroom with a few minutes to spare and picked a seat at the end of the row of chairs lined up in the small but well lit room. Though Kurt was happy to see that most of his classes didn’t have the traditional classroom setting with desks, the layout of this particular room made him nostalgic for his glee club days, and he felt a pang of sadness when the professor walked in and he wasn’t Mr. Shue. 

The professor went to the desk in the corner to prepare for class, and Kurt’s eyes drifted back to the door. As he was absently wondering what was going on at McKinley at that exact moment, Kurt’s breath stopped as he saw what was undoubtedly the most gorgeous boy he had ever seen walk through the doorway. Kurt was staring, he knew it, but he couldn’t seem to stop. Luckily, the boy was checking his phone and didn’t notice. 

Frankly, there were a lot cute guys a NYADA, and the kicker part was for the first time in his life, Kurt was surrounded by hot, gay, possibly available men. So many that he had had to actively ignore that fact all day in order to focus on his classes. Of course, Kurt had been in New York for months, and he had obviously encountered other gay men. He’d even gone on a few dates, but nothing clicked. All the men he’d met were only interested in jumping straight into bed, and that just wasn’t Kurt’s style. 

This boy, though, was different. Kurt wasn’t just attracted to him; he was floored. He was adorable, a few inches shorter than Kurt, with dark, slightly unruly, curly hair. He was dressed impeccably in tight jeans and a v neck t-shirt. The boy smiled at his phone, put it in his pocket and looked up. His gaze caught Kurt’s, who promptly looked away, painfully aware that he was blushing all the way up to his hairline. He looked down at his hands in his lap. 

Maybe it was only because he had just been thinking of glee club, or maybe it had taken Kurt a few seconds because he had never seen the boy out of his Warbler’s uniform and he used to wear his hair differently, but it the time it took for him to cross the room and sit in the seat next to Kurt, he realized he recognized him. 

“Hi,” the boy said, startling Kurt a bit. No one had introduced themselves to him personally all day or gone out of the way to talk to him at all. 

Kurt glanced over at him to see a wide smile on his face. “Um, hi,” Kurt replied, a bit flustered. 

“I’m Blaine,” he said. 

“Uh, Kurt.” Normally, Kurt was more articulate, but those eyes made Kurt forget how to construct sentences. Hazel. He was aware he may be coming off as rude, but he didn’t know what to do about it. 

“Do I know you? You look a little familiar.” 

_Breathe,_ Kurt commanded himself. _Make eye-contact._ “I think our glee clubs competed in competitions the last couple of years. You sang lead for the Warblers, right?” 

Kurt thought he detected a bit of pink tinge the cheeks of the boy’s – Blaine’s, he mentally corrected himself – olive complexion. “That’s right. You went to McKinley.” Kurt nodded. “Well, I’ll try not to hold it against you that you guys kicked our butts.” 

Kurt laughed. “Thanks, I appreciate that.” 

Just then, the professor began class, and Kurt was simultaneously glad and disappointed, because he wouldn’t have to look like an idiot any longer but it sucked that their conversation was cut off. 

“Alright, everyone listen up,” the professor said. The boys faced forward and the chatter in the room faded out. Kurt took stock of his teacher. Gates was his name, if Kurt remembered correctly from his schedule. He had longish, stringy brown hair and a Jesus beard, and he was wearing a long-sleeved paisley – Kurt nearly shuddered – shirt, blue jeans and flip flops. 

“My name is Mr. Gates and you are my class. This is Musical Theatre Techniques, so if you aren’t a musical theatre major, what the heck are you doin’ here? The door’s that way.” 

He paused, waiting for confused students to leave, and Kurt nearly rolled his eyes. Still, he found his professor’s somewhat quirky personality to be quite endearing. 

“No one? Okay, good. This class is all about how to approach a song, how to give it emotion, make it breathe life. You’re taking classes on technical skill, improving your range and hitting notes. That’s not what my class is about. All of you are good singers. My job is to teach you to integrate your feelings into your songs. Because you’re all artists, and the whole point of art is to convey emotion. To make the audience feel what you’re feeling. Because that’s what it’s all about, right?” 

He paused again, looking somewhat wistful. Kurt knew between his oddball professor and Blaine, this was already shaping up to be his favorite class. 

Mr. Gates continued, “There will be some written coursework, but the bulk of your grade in this class will come from performances. You and you” – he pointed to Kurt and Blaine – “partners. You and you.” And so he went down the line until everyone had been paired. Blaine shot Kurt a quick smile and a shrug, but Kurt thought he detected a hint of disappointment in the other boy’s eyes. Kurt smiled back at him tentatively. 

“The person I’ve paired you up with is going to be your lifeline throughout this semester. It is our firm belief here at NYADA that students learn to support and rely upon each other, because ladies and gentleman, performance is not a solo sport. Your partner will help you select your songs, rehearse, prepare for your in-class performances, and will also be your duet partner during some assignments. I encourage you guys to get to know one another.” 

Kurt tried to seem blasé about being assigned Blaine as his partner, but he could barely contain a shriek of delight. They were going to have to spend time outside of class together, maybe even become friends… Kurt let his thought trail off there. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself. 

Mr. Gates went on about the basics of song selection and emoting through song, a concept Kurt found terrifying, because lack of emotional depth in his performance was why he had been denied acceptance to NYADA the first time. He tried to calm himself by remembering that he had mastered it at his second audition. 

At the end of the period, Mr. Gates gave them their first assignment. “I want you guys to pick a song that expresses how you feel right now. The dominant emotion you have, the biggest thing you’ve ever felt. Any song you can put the most _umph_ into. I just want to gauge where you are, so I can see how far we need to go together. No limits as to artist or repertoire. Performances on Friday. Don’t forget to utilize your partners. That’s all. See you guys next time.” 

Kurt bent down to gather his belongings when he heard Blaine say his name. He looked up quickly to see Blaine’s phone pointed at his face. He hears the unmistakable sound of the shutter going off on Blaine’s camera phone. “I wasn’t ready!” Kurt exclaimed. 

Blaine laughed. “Relax, it’s just for my contact information. Here.” Blaine handed Kurt his phone. “Give me yours.” Kurt reached in his pocket and gave Blaine his phone. Blaine clicked around a bit and turned Kurt’s phone on himself to take a picture. He made a silly face and 

Kurt heard the click of his own camera phone go off. He put his name and number into Blaine’s phone and they swapped back. 

“Alright,” Blaine said. “I guess I’ll text you later and we’ll see about meeting up to talk about our song selections and stuff.” 

“Sounds good,” Kurt said, somewhat breathlessly. 

“Awesome. See you later, Kurt.” With a parting smile, Blaine got up and left the room, and Kurt really enjoyed watching him walk away. 

*~* 

Blaine’s smile fell as soon as he turned away from Kurt. He was so mad, he felt like hitting something. 

Blaine had a very firm Don’t Shit Where You Sleep policy when it came to guys. Or he guessed a more apt name for it would be Don’t Come Where You Work, he thought wryly. 

The second Gates had assigned them partners, Blaine knew he couldn’t just sleep with Kurt. His grades and his performance at NYADA were too important to him to jeopardize, even for someone he had wanted for years. 

He tried to ease his mind by thinking of December. They would be done with Gates’ class, and then Blaine would be free to fuck Kurt, get the boy out of his system, and then completely forget about him. 

Until then, he would just have to put the idea of sex with Kurt completely out of his mind. It would be easier if the boy had a single physical flaw, but Blaine would have to do his best. 

It’s not like there weren’t plenty of other guys at NYADA Blaine could pass the time with, anyway. 

Yes, that’s what he needed, a distraction. Five fucking months of distractions.


	3. I Will Give Up This Fight

That evening, Kurt and Rachel sat in their living room in pajamas, eating sherbet and telling each other about their first day of classes.

Rachel’s had passed unremarkably, except she found her History of Musical Theatre class dreadfully boring and loved her Acting Techniques professor. 

Kurt tried to be diplomatic about the retelling of his day, but it dissolved into Blaine Talk pretty quickly. He didn’t want to go on about him, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. Besides, if he couldn’t gush to his best friend about his new crush, then who could he gush to? 

Kurt was holding out his phone to show Rachel the adorable photo Blaine had taken of himself. 

“Yeah, I _do_ remember him!” Rachel exclaimed. “He was really good. And he’s so cute!” 

“I know,” Kurt sighed wistfully. 

“Is he gay?” she asked. Kurt knew exactly where she was leading with that overly bright tone. 

“I don’t know. I think so, but my gaydar isn’t always spot on, and it could just be wishful thinking.” 

As the two friends gazed down at the delightful picture, Kurt’s phone vibrated in his hands, indicating he had received a text message. 

Kurt clicked on the screen to open it and let out a high pitched squeal when he saw it was from Blaine. 

_Hey, Kurt. :)_

Kurt looked up at Rachel, who was laughing hysterically. “Shut up!” he told her, blushing. 

“Oh my god, Kurt! I haven’t seen you this worked up over a guy since you first saw Taylor Lautner take his shirt off in _Twilight!_ ” She snorted and almost dumped her bowl of half-melted sherbet in her lap. 

“Oh, don’t act like you weren’t freaking out right beside me over those mantastic abs!” 

“Whatever,” she said. “Are you going to answer him, or aren’t you?” 

“Oh, right!” He paused. “What should I say?” She quirked an eyebrow. “Gee, Kurt, I don’t know. How about ‘hello’?” 

He thought for a second, then thumbed out a reply. _Well hello, Blaine Warbler._

“Oh, you want him so bad, you little flirting flirter!” 

“I do not!” 

Rachel sat her bowl on the edge of the couch and sprung at Kurt. She started tickling him mercilessly. “Admit it!” 

“Rachel, stop! Stop!” Kurt yelled around his giggles. 

“I’ll stop when you admit that you loooove him! You want to have his little Warbler babies!” 

Kurt tried to squirm out from under him, but for such a small girl she was strong. “Rachel! Damn it, stop! We – are – adults!” Kurt was full on flailing at this point, yet he somehow managed to keep his phone in his hand. His only motivation was how expensive it had been to fix the cracked screen the last time he had dropped it. He felt it vibrate. “He – he texted back! Stop so I can reply!” 

“Not until you admit it!” She was lying on top of him horizontally at this point, using her body weight as leverage against him. They had been friends for long enough that she knew exactly the parts of his ribs that were the most ticklish. It was then that Kurt’s flailing foot knocked over the precariously perched bowl of sherbet on the edge of the couch. It went crashing to the floor, and the noise made them both pause. Kurt gasped for air, his giggle fit receding. 

“I am so not cleaning that up,” he said. 

She climbed off of him and looked down to inspect the mess. “You knocked it over!” 

“So? It was your fault. You were tickling me!” 

She sighed dramatically. “Fine. I’ll clean it up. You answer your text.” 

In the excitement, Kurt had forgotten about the text. He checked it quickly. 

_Cute. So, how weird is Gates?_

Kurt laughed at his thoughts from earlier in the day being echoed. _So so weird. He looks like he got lost on his way to Woodstock._

Kurt only had to wait about twenty seconds for his phone to vibrate with another incoming message. He was pleased that Blaine seemed to be a quick text replier and that he used proper grammar. _Lol definitely. But he’s also quite charming in a way, isn’t he?_

Kurt smiled. _Exactly. Very earnest and endearing._

_So I was thinking we could get together for coffee or something tomorrow evening and discuss our song selections for our first assignment._

Kurt couldn’t help but get butterflies, even though he told himself repeatedly that this was not a date, that Blaine might not even be gay. It was just two partners getting together to discuss school work. _Sounds good to me. I have work until five but after that I’m free. Where do you live?_

_Upper West Side. How about you?_

Kurt’s eyebrows raised in shock. He and Rachel had looked into apartments when he first moved to New York. Obviously, they had started near NYADA and moved out, trying to find the nicest place closest to campus that they could afford. He knew how much apartments were on the Upper West Side, and well, they weren’t cheap. 

_Bushwick. But I work on West 57th. We can meet around NYADA. There’s this coffee shop near campus I love, the Aroma Espresso Bar._

While Kurt was waiting for Blaine to text back, Rachel came in with a rag and a spray bottle of cleaning solution. She started scooping the sherbet into the bowl and wiping down the floor. Luckily, most of the mess had missed the rug. “What’s he saying?” she asked. 

“We’re meeting tomorrow for coffee to talk about our assignment.” Kurt could feel his cheeks turn pink but hoped she wouldn’t notice. 

“Oooh, sounds like someone has a daaate!” she said in a sing-song voice. 

Kurt shot her a glare. “What are you, twelve?” 

“Twelve and a half.” 

“It’s _not_ a date. It’s to talk about our assignment.” Kurt tried to sound convincing but his heart plunging up to his throat when his phone vibrated with Blaine’s reply was probably a dead giveaway to Rachel. 

_Yeah, I know where that is. 5:30?_

He thumbed out his reply immediately. _Sounds good. See you tomorrow._

“If it’s not a date then why are you smiling like that?” 

“I’m not smiling like anything,” Kurt replied, even as he felt the corners of his mouth stuck in a goofy grin. 

His phone vibrated again. _K. :)_

She dropped the cleaning spray and rag and jumped on him again. “You are such a liar!” She started tickling him mercilessly again. 

“Rachel!” he said around giggles. “Stop! _Stop!_ ” 

*~* 

The next day, Kurt was walking at a brisk pace to meet Blaine on time. It was the hottest time of year, and the humidity was making him sweat profusely and deactivating his hair spray. To top it off, Marissa had kept him late to run an errand. He cursed as he checked his phone. It was five twenty-eight and he still had eight blocks to go. 

He walked through the door a few minutes later and looked around the sea of red – the walls, the chairs, even the tables were all the bright hue – until he saw Blaine sitting in the corner. He was glancing down intently at his phone, frowning. Kurt hurried over to him. “Hey, sorry I’m late. They kept me a little late at work.” 

Blaine stood up and smiled at him, putting his phone away. “No, it’s fine. It’s just a few minutes. Let’s go get some coffee. I could use a refill.” Kurt looks down and sees that Blaine’s cup was indeed empty. 

“How long have you been here?” Kurt asked as they headed toward the counter to place their orders. 

“Not too long. Just decided to come a little early.” Both boys placed their orders, received their beverages – a small brewed coffee for Blaine and a non-fat mocha for Kurt – and went back to reclaim their table in the corner. 

“So, where do you work?” Blaine said after they had settled in. 

“I’m an office assistant for the executive fashion director at _Elle._ ” 

Blaine eyebrows shot up. “Wow, that’s really awesome.” 

Kurt blushed slightly and shrugged. “It sounds a lot cooler than it is. It’s mostly running errands and answering emails and phone calls.” 

Blaine took a sip of his coffee. “Yeah, but still. You work at one of the world’s largest fashion magazines. That’s amazing.” 

Kurt smiled and glanced down at his coffee. “Yeah, I guess it is.” _Definitely gay,_ Kurt thought. 

“Have you come up with your song for our first assignment yet?” Blaine asked after a brief pause. 

“Um, yeah.” Kurt was a little bit nervous about discussing his song selection with Blaine. He had been sure to pick a song that he could really emote through, but that meant expressing some of his more private feelings, and he was sure they were going to have to get around to talking about the motivations behind the song selections. “I picked Bonnie Raitt’s ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me.’” Kurt could see the interest spark in Blaine’s eyes but could tell he was too polite to ask. 

“Hm. Good song,” he finally said. 

Kurt nodded. “How about you?” 

“‘Hallelujah’ by Rufus Wainwright.” 

“That’s one of my favorites. Very good choice.” Kurt nodded his approval. 

returned his nod and both boys took long sips of their coffee. There was an awkward pause, and Blaine had a smirk which quickly turned into a full on grin. 

Kurt sighed and dropped his head in his hand. “We’re going to have to talk about why we picked the songs, aren’t we?” 

Blaine chuckled. “I don’t see how there’s any way around it.” 

“Alright, well…you go first.” 

“Why do I have to go first?” Blaine exclaimed, indignant. 

“Because I told you my song choice first.” Kurt smirked at his own logic. 

“That’s not the same!” Kurt just looked at him pointedly. Blaine finally broke. “Okay, fine. I picked ‘Hallelujah’ because my mom used to play it for me all the time when I was a kid. She taught me to play piano. We’ve always been really close, and when I came out, she supported me wholeheartedly. When I went away to Dalton, we kind of lost touch. I mean, she was still there for me, but it just wasn’t the same. Now that I’ve moved away, I just… I really miss her.” 

Kurt was reeling from Blaine’s explanation. From the declaration of his sexuality to the in depth personal details, it was so much more than Kurt had been expecting. He expected a terse sentence devoid of much actual information, and he was suddenly glad he’d elected to go second, because he wouldn’t have allowed Blaine nearly as many details had he gone first. 

“That’s really nice,” Kurt said after a pause. “Not that you guys grew apart,” He backpedaled, realizing what he’d said. “I meant it’s really nice that you have a song that reminds you of her.” 

“Yeah,” Blaine said, nodding his understanding. “Your turn.” 

Kurt took a deep, settling breath. He owed Blaine the truth, but his explanation was much more embarrassing that Blaine’s had been. 

“I was the only out kid at my high school. Actually, I was the only– well, one of the only gay guys I’d ever really met. It was… hard. And lonely. I ended up developing quite a few misguided, empty crushes on some of my very straight friends, one of whom later became my step brother.” 

Kurt shuddered at the thought of Finn in a romantic sense, and Blaine’s eyes widened, both in shock and in sympathy. 

“Wow, Kurt.” Blaine reached his hand out to cover Kurt’s on the table. “That makes me really sorry that we never got to know each other back then just so you could have had someone to relate to. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.” 

Something sparked in Kurt’s memory. “You know, it’s funny that you mention–” 

“Blaine?” Kurt looked up. A tall boy with sandy blond hair standing over their table holding a to-go cup of coffee. He was looking at Blaine with what Kurt could only describe as a kicked puppy dog look. Kurt looked to Blaine, whose eyes were wide in shock. 

“Oh, uh, hey…” Blaine stammered, clearly having forgotten the boy’s name. 

“Terrence,” the boy replied, sounding greatly offended. 

“Right! Terrence, of course. How are you?” Kurt had never seen Blaine so flustered. He quirked an eyebrow at the awkward situation he was now witnessing. He looked back up at the boy, Terrence. He was almost in tears. 

“How- _how am I?_ You never called me.” Kurt could tell Terrence was trying to sound angry, but he mostly just sounded sad. Kurt pursed his lips, looking to Blaine to see what his reaction would be. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” Blaine replied after a beat. “I’ve just been really busy with school starting up and everything…” 

Terrence’s eyes then landed very pointedly on where his and Blaine’s hands that were still in contact on top of the table. “And who’s this?” he said cattily, eyeing Kurt up and down. Kurt pulled his hand away from Blaine’s in what he hope was a surreptitious manner and looked to Blaine to answer the question. 

“This is Kurt, a friend from school. Kurt this is Terrence.” 

“Yes, so I’ve gathered,” Kurt said breezily. “Nice to meet you. Look, Blaine. It’s getting late. I should probably head out.” 

“Oh, don’t leave on my account,” Terrence said haughtily. “I’m done here. Have a nice _life,_ Blaine.” As Terrence turned on his heel and walked out of the coffee shop, Kurt stood and gathered his belongings. 

“I’m really sorry about that,” Blaine said hastily. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Kurt gave him a small smile. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay. Bye, Kurt.” Kurt couldn’t tell if it was embarrassment or something else that colored Blaine’s tone, but he didn’t want to stay to find out. Offering up a small wave, he turned and exited the coffee shop. When the door closed, though, he couldn’t help but turn for one last glance. Blaine was sitting with his elbows on the table and his hands covering both his eyes. 

After a stuttered step, Kurt turned and headed for the nearest subway. 

*~* 

When Kurt walked out of the coffee shop, Blaine dropped his head in his hands and groaned. The entire last half hour had been an utter disaster. 

First, he got to the coffee shop a little early to call his mom and tell her about his classes. She had listened for a few minutes, but then told Blaine she was busy and would call him back later. 

He was debating calling his older brother Coop when Kurt walked in, flustered from rushing. 

Then they had got to talking. Blaine hadn’t meant to share so much of his personal life with Kurt in their first real conversation, but something about the really earnest look in Kurt’s eyes had him talking about his mother. It didn’t help that his disappointment was still so fresh from the call a little while before. 

And when Kurt told him about being completely alone all throughout high school, a part of Blaine just melted. He couldn’t not reach for Kurt’s hand. He vowed in that instant to become a friend to Kurt, someone he could talk to, someone he could be there for. He vowed not to be a shithead for once in his life. 

And in the seconds after Blaine had made that vow to himself, some twink he’d banged a few nights before comes up and makes a complete spectacle and ruins their conversation. Blaine tried to feel sorry for the guy – _Terrence,_ Blaine thought, rolling his eyes – but really, he felt like the wronged party in this situation. 

He had met Terrence a few nights before at a gay club downtown. Blaine had been talking to a few other guys, dancing, drinking, and having a good time when Terrence came up to him, introduced himself, and told Blaine he wanted to go back to his place. No drinks, no conversation, not even a dance, nothing. 

So they went. They had a good time. Terrence was a decent fuck. But when they were done and Blaine told Terrence he needed to leave so he could get cleaned up, Terrence had the nerve to get all indignant about being kicked out. He left his number on Blaine’s kitchen counter, which Blaine found the next morning and promptly threw out. 

And that was supposed to be the end of the story. But then he waltzes into the coffee shop today and treats Blaine like some criminal for not wanting to marry him or whatever. And now Kurt probably thought he was just some whore who went around using guys for sex and then tossing them aside…which Blaine supposed he was, but other guys used him, too. They used each other. It didn’t make Blaine a bad person. 

In fact, Blaine thought, if Kurt was going to judge him based on the exchange he saw today, then maybe he and Kurt shouldn’t be friends after all. He rubbed his eyes forcefully, trying to ease some of his frustration. He really needed a drink. 

At that moment his phone vibrated on the table. It was a text from Will. Blaine had almost forgotten about the extremely hot guy he’d met in the hallway the day before. 

_Hey sexy. Busy?_

Even better than a drink, Blaine thought. He answered Will’s text straightaway. _As a matter of fact, no I’m not. Come over?_

_Sure thing. What's your address?_

*~* 

“Kurt, is that you?” Rachel called from the living room when Kurt entered their apartment – from where she sat on the sofa not twenty feet away. 

“Yes, Rachel,” Kurt replied emphatically. 

“Thai for dinner. It’s already on the way.” She was sitting on the sofa flipping through a book in her lap. 

He came and plopped down next to her, huffing loudly. “Are you studying already?” 

“Just looking at some of the stuff we’re going to be learning,” she said absently, closing the book. She turned to him, sitting Indian-style. “How was your coffee thing with the Warbler?” 

“Bad news or good news first?” 

“Good, of course.” 

“Well, the good news is he’s gay.” 

Rachel clapped her hands together, smiling. “I knew it! No straight guy uses that much hair gel.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t actually use that much hair gel anymore.” 

“Still,” Rachel replied. “So, wait, what’s the bad news? Is he seeing someone?” 

“Worse.” Kurt cringed. “He’s a heartbreaker.” 

“Wait, hold on. How could you possibly know that?” Rachel asked. She often got onto Kurt for being too critical of the men that were interested in him, and maybe sometimes he did jump the gun on initial impressions, but this one he was sure about. Blaine had totally screwed over that guy. 

Kurt retold the entire coffee shop fiasco, beginning with the personal details they had shared and concluding with the Terrence incident. 

“Maybe you’re jumping to conclusions,” Rachel said after hearing his story. “Maybe they just went on a date or something and Blaine just didn’t like that Terrence guy, so he never called him.” 

“No, I’m telling you, they slept together. He totally used that poor guy. I could see it all over Blaine’s face. It was like he knew that he had done something wrong.” Kurt leaned his head back on the couch dejectedly and closed his eyes. 

“Well, so what if they did sleep together? A lot of people have casual sex, Kurt. Especially people our age. It’s really not that big of a deal.” 

He opened his right eye to glare at her. “It’s never okay to make people feel like shit. Terrence obviously didn’t think it was just a one night thing.” 

“Alright, geez.” Rachel held up her hands in mock surrender. “I’m just saying. Maybe you could give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt. He is awfully cute.” 

Kurt lifted his head. “God, Rachel. Do all of your thoughts originate in your vagina?” 

The buzzer sounded, announcing the arrival of their food. Rachel jumped up to answer the door, saying on cue over her shoulder, “All the good ones do.” 

*~* 

The next day, Kurt was walking to his musical theater techniques class with dread. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing Blaine after yesterday’s incident. 

“Hey, Kurt! Wait up!” he heard someone from behind him yell. Kurt stopped in his tracks and turned. Blaine was jogging to catch up with him. 

“Oh, hey,” he said when Blaine was finally at his side. The boys continued walking, heading toward their share last class. 

“Listen,” Blaine said, “I just wanted to apologize again for what happened yesterday at the coffee shop.” 

“Blaine, it’s fine. Really. It wasn’t your fault. Well.” Try as he might, Kurt couldn’t keep the bitchiness out of his tone. “It was your fault that you screwed that guy over, but I mean it wasn’t your fault that he—” 

“Excuse me?” Blaine said, stopping and turning toward Kurt. 

“I said, it wasn’t your fault,” Kurt repeated with faux innocence. 

“What do you mean, I ‘screwed that guy over’?” Blaine asked heatedly. His eyebrows came down in a line as he all but glared at Kurt. 

Kurt put his hands on his hips, refusing to be intimidated. “Blaine, did you see that guy? He was heartbroken.” 

“Oh, whatever,” Blaine said indignantly. He lowers his voice slightly. “The guy goes home with me without even bothering to ask my last name and then gets offended when I don’t call him? What the hell did he expect, a proposal? If he wants to pretend that I’m the bad guy so that he doesn’t feel bad about his low self-esteem, whatever, that’s his problem, but to have you standing here judging me is just – it’s _massively_ unfair.” 

Kurt’s eyes widened at Blaine’s outburst. Kurt, utterly embarrassed, flushed bright red. Rachel had been right, Kurt was too quick to judge. “I-I’m sorry. You’re right, I overstepped. I didn’t mean…” 

“Yeah, you did,” Blaine said. He pursed his lips and headed through the classroom door which Kurt only then noticed was right behind him. 

Kurt followed Blaine in sheepishly and saw that everyone else in the room was sitting in the same spot they sat Monday, so cursing internally, Kurt walked slowly to his seat next to Blaine. 

He looked out of the corner of his eye. Blaine was sitting stiffly in his chair with his arms crossed and looking pointedly away from Kurt. 

Kurt sighed. This was going to be a long hour. 

*~* 

Blaine sat ramrod straight for the entire class period, fuming. 

After what felt like an eternity to Kurt, Gates wrapped up class with a final note to rehearse for their performances on Friday. 

Kurt expected Blaine to leap from his chair and leave the classroom before he would get a chance to talk to him, but Blaine surprised him by sitting stock still in his chair, facing forward and glaring. A small part of Kurt really admired Blaine’s tenacity. He had managed to maintain his anger all through class, and Kurt really appreciated the drama of it. 

“Blaine,” Kurt pleaded. “I’m really, really sorry. You were completely right. I had no place to judge you. I was narrow-minded and wrong. Will you please, please forgive me?” 

Blaine turned his head to look at Kurt’s beseeching face, presumably to see if his apology was in earnest. After a moment, he finally said, “Okay.” 

“Okay?” Kurt asked hopefully. 

“Yeah, okay.” Blaine replied. He started gathering his belongings. 

“Sooo,” Kurt said when he realized Blaine wasn’t going to say anything more. “Are we going to rehearse together for our performances or, I mean, I would understand if you don’t want to,” Kurt said quickly, standing to match Blaine. 

Blaine turned to Kurt and his face softened for the first time. “Of course,” he said. “Kurt, even if we’re not getting along or whatever, we’re still partners, and I still want us to help each other do well in this class.” 

“Okay,” Kurt nodded, smiling. “So, did you want to meet here, or…?” 

The boys started heading towards the door of the classroom and then out into the hall. 

“Actually, I have a piano, guitar, and a stereo for any tracks you might want to play if you wouldn’t mind just meeting at my apartment. I figure that way we won’t have to fight for a rehearsal room or have a limited amount of time to work.” 

Blaine really did seem to have forgiven him. Kurt quickly thought over spending time alone with a guy he just met but decided he trusted Blaine enough to meet at his apartment. Besides, Kurt was painfully curious to see where the boy lived. 

“Well, I don’t know,” Kurt said coyly, smirking. “You’re not going to strangle me, are you?” 

“Only if you ask me to,” Blaine replied with a devious grin, making Kurt blush to the tips of his ears. 

The boys made plans to meet the next day when Kurt got off of work to rehearse their songs, leaving them time to perfect them as best as they could that night.


	4. I Had My Heart Set On You

Kurt knocked on Blaine’s door the next afternoon with some trepidation. He had rehearsed his song repeatedly the night before with some much-appreciated help from Rachel, but he was still nervous to sing it in front of Blaine.

Blaine opened the door with a smile. Kurt’s heart nearly stopped at how damn attractive Blaine looked. He was wearing dark jeans and a white t-shirt, his hair slightly rumpled. 

For Blaine’s part, he seemed to be eyeing Kurt up and down as well. Kurt had to admit he’d gone to great pains to look good today, and it wasn’t for the sake of Marissa Montgomery. 

“Hey, come on in.” Blaine turned and walked towards his living room. Kurt entered the apartment, closing the door behind him and taking in Blaine’s home. Straight ahead was a living room area with a couch, a coffee table, an entertainment center with a large flat screen, a video game console and a sizable stereo, a small bookcase. 

The most dominating feature of the room, though, was a giant black piano situated in a nook underneath large windows that looked out on the street. Kurt could also see a guitar on a stand next to the piano seat. There was a closed door off of the living room area that Kurt assumed led to Blaine’s bedroom. 

Kurt was pleasantly surprised to find that Blaine’s apartment was both impeccably decorated in a minimalist but very sophisticated style and immaculately clean. He wondered idly if Blaine had cleaned it especially for Kurt or if it always stayed this clean. 

Blaine turned to Kurt, running his hand through his already tousled hair. A small gap of skin showed between Blaine’s jeans and his t-shirt and Kurt detected a hint of dark hair on Blaine’s tone abdomen. He shivered, forcing himself to look away. “You can just set your stuff down wherever,” Blaine said, “and I guess we can, uh, just go ahead and get started.” 

“Okay,” Kurt replied, trying to sound more confident than he felt. He sat his bag on Blaine’s couch and turned to the other boy who was standing sort of awkwardly in the middle of the room. “Sooo,” Kurt said to break the ice. “Who should go first?” 

“Definitely you,” Blaine said immediately with a teasing smile. 

“Why me?” Kurt asked with mock indignation. Well, mostly mocking. He really did not want to go first. 

“Because it’s your turn,” Blaine replied. “You told me your song choice first and I told you my reason for picking my song first. Now it’s your turn to go first again.” 

“Ah-” Kurt began to protest, but he realized he had no rebuttal to Blaine’s argument. Kurt himself had been the one to suggest turns in the first place. He released the nervous breath he was holding. “Fine,” he grumbled. He dug through his bag for his iPod and auxiliary chord. Blaine took them from Kurt and went to set Kurt’s iPod up on his stereo. 

Kurt wandered casually over to Blaine’s bookcase to keep his mind off of the intimate performance he was about to have to give. Kurt perused the shelves which were covered in equal parts with books, DVDs, and CDs. Almost all of his favorite movie musicals had made the cut. He was pleased, but ultimately not surprised – Blaine was a musical theatre major, after all. 

Blaine cleared his throat. “Alright, all set.” 

Kurt tried to surreptitiously take a calming breath before straightening to go over to the stereo system. He took the iPod from Blaine, scrolling through it until he got to the track he needed. 

“I’ll just…” Blaine trailed off, gesturing to the piano bench. He went and sat down gingerly, looking at Kurt. 

Kurt closed his eyes briefly, trying to go to the calm place he reserved for right before performances. He realized he hadn’t been this edgy since his audition for NYADA, and it struck Kurt as ironic that he was more nervous about singing privately for Blaine than he was about his first official performance as a NYADA student. He couldn’t help it, though. For some reason, he really wanted to impress Blaine, maybe equally as much as he had wanted to impress Carmen Tibideaux. 

Kurt was battling between showing too much to Blaine, someone who was practically a stranger, and not giving an emotional performance, thus completely failing at the assignment. Ultimately, the performer in Kurt won out. This was, after all, a rehearsal, and Blaine’s feedback could be critical in determining Kurt’s first grade in his musical theatre techniques class. 

To put himself in the right frame of mind, Kurt thought back to his high school days – long, lonely days filled with watching everyone else fall in and out of love and knowing that wasn’t in the cards for him. His embarrassment at coming on to his straight guy friends in an almost predatory fashion out of sheer desperation. And then, niggling in the back of Kurt’s mind was the feeling of failure at having finally escaped Lima only to come to New York and still find himself alone. Kurt felt utterly unlovable. 

With all of that emotional turmoil inside of him, he pressed play on his iPod, sat it down, opened his eyes and began to sing. 

*~* 

Blaine sat on the piano bench trying to look nonchalant. He was nervous to have to sing for Kurt, but he was actually a lot more anxious than he thought he would be to watch the other boy perform as well. Kurt had already heard Blaine sing in competitions when they were in school, but Kurt had never had any solos at sectionals and regionals, so Blaine had never heard him. 

Blaine knew Kurt had to be a good singer – he had gotten into NYADA after all – but he was afraid Kurt’s performance would be lacking and he would have to find some delicate way to help Kurt improve it. 

A bigger part of Blaine, a part he refused to acknowledge, was worried about the state of himself when he heard Kurt sing for the first time. He knew there was a chance that Kurt’s voice would change life as he knew it. 

And when Kurt opened his mouth and began to sing, Blaine knew he was right. 

_Turn down the lights, turn down the bed_  
_Turn down these voices inside my head_  
_Lay down with me, tell me no lies_  
_Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me_  


_I can't make you love me if you don't_  
_You can't make your heart feel something it won't_  
_Here in the dark, in these final hours_  
_I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power_  
_But you won't, no you won't_  


Kurt refused to meet Blaine’s eyes, but Blaine didn’t have to directly look into Kurt’s eyes to know the pain he was feeling, the hardships he must have endured for so long, the utter loneliness he had had to go through. 

Blaine couldn’t imagine anything worse than that loneliness, and Kurt’s song stirred that insecurity inside of Blaine so much that he felt he was becoming more emotional over Kurt’s performance than Kurt himself was.  


_I'll close my eyes, then I won't see_  
_The love you don't feel when you're holding me_  
_Morning will come and I'll do what's right_  
_Just give me till then to give up this fight_  
_And I will give up this fight  
_

Kurt’s voice broke when he sang about giving up, and Blaine thought, _No Kurt. Don’t ever, ever give up._  


_I can't make you love me if you don't_  
_You can't make your heart feel something it won't_  
_Here in the dark, in these lonely hours_  
_I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power_  
_But you won't, no you won't_  
_'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't  
_

Kurt closed his eyes to keep the tears shining on his lids at bay. Blaine thought about all the school dances Kurt must have missed or gone to without a date, weekends spent alone at home while his friends were out with their boyfriends and girlfriends.  


Kurt hadn’t said as much, but Blaine could tell from Kurt’s body language during the retelling of his high school days that Kurt had been bullied at least a little.  


It struck Blaine that though Kurt seemed shy and very fragile, to have made it as far as he had, Kurt must be a very strong person, much stronger than Blaine himself was. In that moment, he felt deep-seated remorse for every vulgar or minimizing thought he had had about this beautiful boy pouring out his soul in his living room.  


The piano chords came to a close softly, and silence filled the room. Kurt finally opened his eyes, and Blaine couldn’t look away from them. Kurt cleared his throat. “So?” he asked tentatively.  


“Kurt,” Blaine’s voice broke. “That was…amazing.” Blaine tried to come up with something else to say, but he was speechless. “Amazing” didn’t even begin to cover how Kurt had made him feel with his song.  


Kurt’s cheeks flushed a deep crimson and he bit his bottom lip. “Th-thank you.” Both boys looked at each other for a few seconds. “No notes, then?” Kurt asked hesitantly.  


Blaine released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “No, none. Just…do it exactly like that and I can’t imagine you getting anything less than an A.”  


“Okay,” Kurt nodded, a small smile creeping up on his face.  


*~*  


After Kurt finished his song and Blaine confirmed that he had done a good job, Kurt tried to purge all the negativity from himself that he had had to take on to fill the song with emotion. He thought of the shame that washed over him and the self-loathing and he tried to release it from himself by thinking of the love and happiness he had in his life. Just thinking of the faces of people he cared about – his father, Finn, Carol, Rachel, Mercedes, Tina – made him visibly calmer.  


He gestured to the stereo and said, “Your turn?”  


“Ah, actually, I was going to play for my performance tomorrow,” Blaine replied somewhat hesitantly, nodding his head in the direction of his piano behind him. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”  


Kurt thought for a second. “Well, do you remember what Gates said about playing for our performances? Do you think playing will enhance your performance instead of detracting from it?”  


“I mean, I think so,” Blaine said. “After all, learning to play the piano is tied up into my memories and the reason why I chose this song in the first place.”  


“Alright,” Kurt replied diplomatically. “Well, let’s hear it. I guess we can decide after.”  


Blaine nodded. “Sounds fair to me.” He turned around on his piano bench to face his piano. Kurt started to sit on the couch, but Blaine saw him and said, “Why don’t you just come on the bench next to me? There’s plenty of room and the couch is at an awkward angle for watching me play anyway.”  


“Oh, alright,” Kurt said. He went and sat right next to Blaine. Their thighs were flush against each other, and for the first time Kurt caught a whiff of Blaine’s scent. He smelled like fabric softener and something slightly musky, perhaps an aftershave or a deodorant. Beneath that Kurt could also detect something slightly fruity – raspberries? The smells tangled together should have been off-putting, but Kurt found them nearly intoxicating.  


“Ready?” Blaine asked, studying Kurt’s face.  


Kurt nodded, blushing at having Blaine’s face so close to his.  


“Okay,” Blaine said. He brought his right hand up to the piano and began to play.  


Kurt listened with apprehension as Blaine clinked out the first notes on the piano. He needn’t have worried, though, because Blaine was an absolutely superb performer. His playing was slow and deliberate and he was just transformed. Then he began to sing.  


_I've heard there was a secret chord_  
_That David played, and it pleased the Lord_  
_But you don't really care for music, do you?  
_

Kurt’s eyes widened. He had heard Blaine perform before, but his performances with the Warblers had all been high-energy top forty numbers. This was soft and deliberate and vulnerable.  


_It goes like this_  
_The fourth, the fifth_  
_The minor fall, the major lift_  
_The baffled king composing Hallelujah  
_

As soon as Blaine finished with the first verse, Kurt knew there was going to a problem. Blaine’s performance was lovely and entertaining, but…he didn’t feel anything. Blaine wasn’t emoting, he wasn’t feeling anything as he sang, and Kurt could sense it.  


Blaine set in on the chorus.  


_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_  
_Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
_

“Blaine, hang on a second,” Kurt said softly before he could start in on the next verse.  


Blaine looked surprised at Kurt’s interruption. “What?” he asked.  


“I just…” Kurt hesitated, not sure how to give constructive advice without sounding overly critical or hurting Blaine’s feelings. “It’s not…you’re very, _very_ talented, and the song sounds really good, but…”  


Blaine looked resigned, like he knew what Kurt was getting at. “But it’s not very emotional.”  


“I’m afraid not,” Kurt said gently.  


Blaine put his elbows down on the piano keys abruptly, making a loud jarring sound that made Kurt flinch. Blaine buried his head in his hands and groaned. “I’ve been working on this song all week. Our performances are tomorrow. I’m so screwed.”  


“Hey,” Kurt said, putting his hand on Blaine’s shoulder. “You are not screwed. We have all evening. We’ll figure something out.”  


“Your optimism is annoying,” Blaine said grumpily.  


“And your surliness is unproductive. C’mon, get up.” Kurt stood up and grabbed Blaine by the arm. He pulled the other boy over to the couch and all but shoved him onto it. “Sit and think of another song to sing. Think about all the things you felt the most recently, and target one. Then we can come up with a song together.” He went over to Blaine’s guitar stand, grabbed his acoustic guitar and handed it to Blaine gingerly. Kurt knew how musicians could be about their instruments.  


“And what are you going to do while I’m doing all this thinking?” Blaine asked, a hint of a grin on his face at Kurt’s forceful attitude.  


“I’m going to order us dinner. Pizza?”  


Blaine nodded vigorously. “With extra cheese.”  


Kurt rolled his eyes but nodded as he walked over to the kitchen area to call and order their dinner and allow Blaine some privacy. He looked over his shoulder as he told the girl on the phone Blaine’s address and saw him strumming his guitar absent-mindedly while he stared off into space.  


When he hung up the phone, Kurt sent a quick text to Rachel telling her he would be at Blaine’s a little longer than he thought and not to wait for him for dinner.  


Her reply came almost immediately. _Kurt, you had better be careful. Word on the street is that boy is a heartbreaker.  
_

Kurt rolled his eyes. Rachel thought she was so funny. _You’re hilarious. No really. You should have your own show.  
_

_I will. And when I do, I’m so not introducing you to Oprah.  
_

Kurt shook his head and pocketed his phone. He walked the few steps over to the living room area and said, “So, any luck?”  


Blaine snapped out of his sober revere and his soft strumming came to an abrupt halt. “Oh, uh…yeah, actually.” Blaine looked down somewhat sheepishly. “There is this one song. It…if I choose to play it, I don’t…want to talk about why I chose it like we did for the other songs.”  


Kurt sat down next to Blaine, this time leaving nearly a two foot gap between them. “Blaine, of course you don’t have to tell me,” he replied earnestly. “I’ll never pressure you to share anything with me that makes you uncomfortable. I just want to help.”  


“Yeah, I know,” Blaine said with a small smile. “Thanks.” Kurt nodded, returning his smile. “Okay, well, here goes…”  


Blaine angled himself toward Kurt, closed his eyes, and began picking out the beginning notes of the song.  


_Another shot of whiskey please bartender_  
_Keep it coming till I don't remember at all_  
_How bad it hurts when you're gone  
_

Not even thirty seconds into the song, Kurt knew this was the song Blaine should have picked from the beginning. He could tell Blaine had a deep personal connection with it, though he hadn’t shared the reason with Kurt.  


_Turn the music up a little bit louder_  
_Just gotta get past the midnight hour_  
_Maybe tomorrow won't be this hard  
_

Kurt thought about the other day in the coffee shop, that guy, and what Blaine had said about the situation. Blaine hadn’t said as much, but Kurt guessed that Blaine was no stranger to sleeping around and he’d implied that he met that guy at a club of some sort. Now, Blaine’s song all but confirmed Kurt’s suspicions.  


_Who am I kidding?_  
_I know what I'm missing_  
_I, I had my heart set on you_  
_But nothing else hurts like you do_  
_Who knew that love was so cruel_  
_Yeah, yeah, yeah  
_

Blaine hit that high note, and Kurt nearly liquefied. Tears immediately prickled in his eyes. Yes, maybe Kurt was an easy crier, but if Blaine didn’t get an A for baring his soul like this, he would personally throw something at Gates’ head.  


For Blaine to sing with that much emotion, he must have been through some real heartbreak. It never occurred to Kurt that people sometimes threw themselves around not just for pleasure, but because they were afraid of anything deeper.  


_And I waited and waited so long_  
_For someone who'll never come home_  
_It's my fault to think you'd be true, yeah, yeah_  
_I'm just a fool  
_

Blaine sang the last line with so much wistful bitterness that Kurt knew he had to mean it. Blaine put up a really good front, pretending he was so confident and put together, but through this song Kurt could really see him. See how insecure he was. Kurt couldn’t blame Blaine for wanting to choose something safer to play in front of everyone.  


_I say that I don't care_  
_And walk away whatever_  
_And I tell myself we were bad together_  
_But that's just me trying to move on without you  
_

_But who am I kidding?_  
_I know what I'm missing  
_

As Blaine repeated the chorus, Kurt couldn’t help but wonder who it was that Blaine was trying to move on from. Someone who had completely wrecked him, obviously. A boyfriend from high school, probably.  


He knew Blaine had felt pity – or at the very least, sympathy – for Kurt during his tale from his high school days, but Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if love was worth this level of pain. Maybe loneliness was better than this.  


_I’m just a fool_  
_For holding onto something that's_  
_Never ever gonna come back_  
_I can't accept that it's lost  
_

There was a discordant note as he change chords. He shook his head, acknowledging it but continued on.  


_I should have let it go_  
_Held my tongue_  
_Kept my big mouth shut_  
_'Cause now everything is just wrong_  
_Wrong, wrong  
_

Blaine angrily sang this part, and Kurt thought he might die from all the twists and turns his emotions were taking. Where before Blaine hadn’t been nearly emotional enough, now it was almost too much. Kurt’s heart couldn’t keep up.  


_I'm just a fool_  
_A fool for you_  
_I'm just a fool  
_

Blaine repeated the chorus one last time and then softly brought the song to a close. He slowly opened his eyes, which Kurt, lost in the music, hadn’t even realized Blaine had been clenching shut throughout the entire song. When he looked at Kurt, his eyes widened almost comically at the tear tracks running down the boy’s face. Blaine’s face erupted in more than a slight shade of pink.  


Kurt swiped at the tears on his cheeks and laughed shakily. “Uh, yeah…” he said. “That was much better.”  


“Thank you, Kurt,” Blaine said sincerely.  


“You’re welcome,” Kurt answered with a sad smile. “I mean, that was… you’ll get an A with that.”  


“Thanks. Do you mind if I run through it again? I missed the key change to the bridge.”  


“Well, I don’t know,” Kurt said with a watery laugh. “Do you have any tissues?”  


Blaine chuckled, shaking his head. “I might.”  


*~*  


They practiced their songs a few more times each until they were both sure they could nail them. Afterwards, they ate pizza and just talked about their favorite musicals and singers. 

Kurt told Blaine some more about his job and Blaine listened to another guy truly talk for the first time in a very long time.  


They developed a true camaraderie, forged from the mutual trust the boys had inexplicably given to each other with their performances.  


The next day during class, both boys’ performances were a hit. They received As and commendations from Gates. He told Blaine in particular that if he kept up that level of emotion in his songs, there wouldn’t be much for him to teach the younger man. Kurt, instead of being jealous, felt extremely proud of Blaine and of himself for helping. Blaine shot him a grateful smile, and that was all the praise Kurt needed. 


	5. We Could Light the Candle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, there is graphic sex between Blaine and an OMC in this chapter. If you're not interested, just stop at the *~* after they meet. You won't miss anything plot-wise.

Three weeks later, Kurt sat on Blaine’s couch flipping through the latest issue of Vogue that had been sitting on Blaine’s coffee table. “Would you hurry up?” he shouted loud enough to be heard through Blaine’s bedroom door.

Blaine opened the door immediately and glared at Kurt. “Are you _kidding me_?” he exclaimed. 

Kurt tried to swallow, but his mouth was bone dry. Blaine was dressed in tight jeans slung low enough on his hips to show the top of his “V”…and nothing else. He and Blaine were just friends, and Kurt had come to terms with that completely as soon as he accepted Blaine’s whoring as a deeply ingrained character trait that wasn’t likely to go away anytime soon. 

Still, Blaine was gorgeous, and knowing that he and Blaine were never going to be together didn’t stop Kurt from looking. And right now, he was looking at Blaine’s immaculate chest with a light smattering of chest hair and only just-defined abs. 

“What?” Kurt asked, tearing his eyes away from Blaine’s body. He had no idea what Blaine asked. 

Blaine pulled the shirt he had been holding that Kurt hadn’t noticed over his head. “I cannot believe you are rushing me right now. You just spent the last hour hogging the bathroom. I’ve been in the shower for fifteen minutes and you’re rushing me. Un. Be. Lievable.” 

It was Friday, and the boys were meeting Rachel and some mutual friends at Callbacks, the piano bar near campus frequented by NYADA students. They had both come back to Blaine’s after class to get ready so Kurt wouldn’t have to go all the way to Brooklyn and then come back uptown. 

“You were the one who insisted I go first,” Kurt said, smirking. 

“To be polite!” Blaine feigned anger, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “I didn’t know you were going to be in there until the next ice age.” 

urt made a show of checking his wrist though he wasn’t wearing a watch. “You’re wasting time,” he sing-songed cheekily. 

Blaine groaned and Kurt lifted the magazine to cover his snicker. Unfortunately, it also covered his vision, so he never saw the pillow fly through the air until it hit him dead in the face. “Hey!” Kurt shouted. “That’s a hate crime!” 

“Oh, bite me,” Blaine retorted from the next room. 

*~* 

When they got to Callbacks – mind you, twenty minutes later than they said they would be, which both boys adamantly blamed on the other the entire way there – everything was already in full swing. A very talented girl was singing a Katy Perry song on the stage, and there were people all around, drinking and laughing. 

Kurt spotted Rachel and the group quickly, and they slowly made their way across the crowded room. When they reached the table, they greeted everyone who all smiled and waved back. They removed their coats and placed them on the backs of their chairs. Kurt took a seat next to Rachel as Blaine said, “I’m going to get us some drinks.” 

Kurt nodded and smiled at Blaine. He turned to see Rachel staring at him with a raised eyebrow. “What?” Kurt asked defensively. 

“Nothing,” she replied, shaking her head. “You two just look awfully cozy is all.” Kurt shot a cursory glance at everyone else at their table. They were caught up in a story that Alec – this guy Rachel had been slightly crushing on – was telling. 

Kurt sighed. “Rachel, please do not start this again. You know we’re just friends. I wish you would leave it alone.” 

“Fine, Kurt. I just think _you_ are the only person you’re fooling. I haven’t seen you this happy since…well, ever. You two are clearly perfect for each other.” She took a sip of her drink, a virgin amaretto sour. 

Kurt turned his head to locate Blaine, partly to make sure he was okay but mostly to make sure he wouldn’t walk up on them talking about him. He was leaning on the bar, waiting for the bartender to make their drinks. He turned back to Rachel and leaned a little closer to her so he could lower his voice and still be heard. 

“I’ve only known him for a few weeks and he’s already one of the best friends I’ve ever had. It sounds cliché, but I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. Especially considering Blaine’s penchant for…promiscuity.” 

Kurt tried to keep the note of sadness out of his voice, but he knew Rachel could detect it. Her eyes softened. “Kurt…he would be different with you. You know he would be different with you. He would never…” She trailed off. 

“Yeah, I know, because it’s never going to happen.” Kurt said this in a tone that clearly closed the discussion. 

Just then Blaine walked up behind them with their drinks. He settled into the empty seat next to Kurt and sat his drink down in front of him. Kurt thanked him and took a sip of his Shirley Temple with extra cherries. Blaine himself sipped on a soda. 

“Why are we looking so serious?” he whispered playfully to Kurt and Rachel. 

Kurt and Rachel shared a brief look before Kurt answered, “Just trying to decide if we’re going to perform.” 

“Well, what’s the verdict?” Blaine asked. 

“Um, I don’t think I’m going to tonight,” Rachel replied. 

“And how about you?” Blaine asked Kurt. 

Kurt was fingering a cherry stem on his drink. He pulled a cherry out and popped it in his mouth. The flavor exploded on his tongue and he nearly moaned. He really loved cherries. He glanced at Blaine whose eyes were trained on Kurt’s mouth. Kurt flushed. “Hmm? Oh, yeah, no, me neither.” 

Blaine’s eyes shot up to Kurt’s and then looked away quickly. He took a sip of his drink. “C’mon, Kurt. You’ve never sung here before. It’s a rite of passage. Tell him, Rachel.” 

“Boy speaks the truth. You haven’t really been to NYADA until you’ve sung at Callbacks.” K 

urt rolled his eyes. “So I’ve heard,” he replied. “I don’t have anything prepared. And I haven’t warmed up.” 

“Ugh, Kurt, Jesus,” Blaine groaned. “You’re not going to be graded. It’s just for fun.” Kurt shook his head. “C’mon, pleeeease?” Blaine said playfully. He stood up and pulled on Kurt’s arm. “We can sing a duet. It will be practice for our duet assignment next week.” 

“That is definitely not ready to be sung in public,” Kurt resisted. Kurt knew that Blaine knew he was breaking down Kurt’s defenses. 

“Not the song we chose, just something silly. C’mon, get up.” 

“Yeah, go Kurt. Go sing,” said Kelsey, a friend of Rachel’s from NYADA. 

“C’mon, Kurt,” Alec chimed in. Kurt hadn’t realized everyone else had been listening in on their discussion. He groaned but rose to stand with Blaine. 

“Yes!” Blaine exclaimed, a huge smile on his face. Everyone cheered and laughed. 

“This was not you winning!” Kurt said to Blaine. “I succumbed to peer pressure. Not you.” 

“Whatever,” Blaine laughed, pulling on Kurt’s arm. When they got to the stage, Blaine went up to Pascal, the olive-skinned brunette piano player to tell him which song they would be singing. Kurt stood, looking around at all the faces. He tried to relax, but he really didn’t like performing unprepared. 

Blaine walked back over to him, handing him the microphone in his left hand and keeping the one in his right. 

“So, what are we singing?” Kurt asked, feigning nonchalance. 

“You’ll see,” Blaine replied with a sly grin. 

Kurt’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “You’re not even going to –” 

“Trust me, you know it.” Blaine nodded to Pascal and then knocked on his microphone three times. Pascal began to play. When Kurt heard the opening notes for “Light My Candle” from Rent, Kurt’s jaw dropped. He could not believe Blaine had picked that song. Blaine knew Kurt knew all the words because they’d watched Rent together a few days before, and Kurt had delightfully sang along to Mimi’s part, exclaiming this was his favorite song from the musical. Kurt was deeply regretting that revelation now. 

“Blaine!” he hissed, covering his microphone. It was too late to back out, though. Rachel and their group had already started cheering, and almost everyone was paying attention now that they had heard the opening of a song that they all knew. Blaine just winked at Kurt and started singing. 

Blaine:  
_What'd you forget?  
_

There was no way this song was going to work without full commitment from Kurt, and he couldn’t bear to completely ruin it, especially not in front of nearly every student at NYADA. Though his nerves increased about a billion percent, the performer in Kurt kicked in, and he was also secretly thrilled to be singing a song he loved so much. 

Kurt:  
_Got a light?_

Blaine:  
_I know you – You're –_  
_You're shivering_  


Blaine, always the expert performer, executed his part flawlessly. It gave Kurt motivation to perfect his performance as well. 

Kurt:  
_It's nothing_  
_They turned off my heat_  
_And I'm just a little_  
_Weak on my feet_  
_Would you light my candle?_  


The crowd cheered when Kurt trilled out the word “candle.” 

Before Kurt knew it, he began really getting into the song, acting out his part with the drama, sass, and tiny bit of naughtiness it required. He would never admit it, but he was also using the song as a shameless excuse to flirt with Blaine. 

Kurt:  
_What are you staring at?_  


Blaine:  
_Nothing_  
_Your hair in the moonlight_  
_You look familiar_  


Kurt feigned a swoon. Blaine steadied Kurt with his free hand. 

Blaine:  
_Can you make it?_  


Kurt:  
_Just haven't eaten much today_  
_At least the room stopped spinning._  
_Anyway. What?_  


Blaine:  
_Nothing_  
_Your smile reminded me of –_  


Kurt:  
_I always remind people of – who is she?_  


Blaine:  
_She died._  
_Her name was April_  


Kurt:  
_It's out again_  
_Sorry about your friend_  
_Would you light my candle?_  


Blaine:  
_Well –_  


Kurt:  
_Yeah. Ow!_  


Kurt jerked his hand to his mouth as if it had been burnt. 

Blaine:  
_Oh, the wax_  
_It's –_  


Kurt:  
_Dripping! I like it between my –_  


Blaine:  
_Fingers! I figured..._  
_Oh, well. Goodnight._  


Kurt turned as if to leave, then waited a few beats and knocked on his microphone three times. 

Blaine:  
_It blew out again?_  


Kurt:  
_No, I think that I dropped my stash_  


Kurt pretended to check his pockets. 

Blaine:  
_I know I've seen you out and about_  
_When I used to go out_  
_Your candle's out_  


Kurt:  
_I'm illin'_  
_I had it when I walked in the door_  
_It was pure_  
_Is it on the floor?_  


Kurt turned away from Blaine and bent down like he was looking for something on the floor. 

Blaine:  
_The floor?_  


Kurt:  
_They say I have the best ass_  
_Below 14th street_  
_Is it true?_  


Kurt looked over his shoulder and smiled at Blaine. He wiggled his ass slightly, and everyone laughed. Kurt even heard a few whistles. 

Blaine:  
_What?_  


Kurt:  
_You're staring again._  


Kurt straightened up and Blaine affected discomfort at having been caught staring. 

Blaine:  
_Oh no._  
_I mean you do have a nice–_  
_I mean–_  
_You look familiar_  


Kurt:  
_Like your dead girlfriend?_  


Blaine:  
_Only when you smile._  
_But I'm sure I've seen you somewhere else –_  


Kurt:  
_Do you go to the Cat Scratch Club?_  
_That's where I work_  
_I dance_  


Blaine:  
_Yes!_  
_They used to tie you up_  


Kurt:  
_It's a living_  


Kurt sang that line flatly with the challenging look it called for. Blaine was smirking at him. 

Blaine:  
_I didn't recognize you_  
_Without the handcuffs_  


Kurt:  
_We could light the candle_  
_Oh won't you light the candle?_  


Blaine:  
_Why don't you forget that stuff_  
_You look like you're sixteen_  


Kurt:  
_I'm nineteen_  
_but I'm old for my age_  
_I'm just born to be bad_  


Blaine:  
_I once was born to be bad_  
_I used to shiver like that_  


Kurt:  
_I have no heat, I told you_  


Blaine:  
_I used to sweat_  


Kurt:  
_I got a cold_  


Blaine:  
_Uh huh_  
_I used to be a junkie_  


Kurt:  
_But now and then I like to_  


Blaine:  
_Uh huh_  


Kurt:  
_Feel good_  


Blaine:  
_Here it, um–_  


Blaine bent down and pretended to pick something up. He then quickly stuck his hand in his back pocket. 

Kurt:  
_What's that?_  


Blaine:  
_It's a candy bar wrapper_  


Kurt:  
_We could light the candle_  
_What'd you do with my candle?_  


Blaine:  
_That was my last match_  


Kurt:  
_Our eyes'll adjust_  
_Thank God for the moon_  


Blaine:  
_Maybe it's not the moon at all_  
_I hear Spike Lee's shooting down the street_  


Kurt:  
_Bah humbug_  


Blaine had pointed while singing his last line. Kurt reached out and grabbed his hand with the hand he wasn’t holding his microphone with. He put Blaine’s hand palm up and traced some of his fingers. 

Kurt:  
_Bah humbug_  


Blaine:  
_Cold hands_  


Kurt:  
_Yours too._  
_Big. Like my father's_  


Using the hand he was holding, Kurt quickly pulled Blaine close to him. 

Kurt:  
_You wanna dance?_  


Blaine:  
_With you?_  


Kurt pulled away, twirling himself with Blaine’s hand. 

Kurt:  
_No – with my father_  


Blaine:  
_I'm Roger_  


Still holding Blaine’s hand, he pulled himself close again, resting his head on Blaine’s shoulder. The boys sway slightly as Kurt trailed his hand down Blaine’s side and into his back pocket. 

Kurt:  
_They call me_  
_They call me_  
_Mimi_  


As Pascal played the last note, Kurt put his hand on Blaine’s shoulder and pushed him away. He posed and shook his imaginary “stash” above his head. Everyone in the entire bar hooted and hollered, whistling and cheering. Kurt collapsed into a fit of giggles, giving Blaine a hug. 

They turned off their microphones and gave them to Pascal, thanking him profusely for playing for them. They made their way back to the table. Rachel jumped up and hugged them both. “Oh my god!” she exclaimed. “You guys were amazing!” 

Everyone else at the table was making similar exclamations. Blaine and Kurt both just smiled and thanked them as they took their seats. The others at the table went back to their conversations. Blaine just sat there watching Kurt with the biggest, shittiest smile on his face. 

Kurt pretended not to notice, taking a sip of his drink. 

Rachel was staring at both of them, trying to hide her smirk behind her drink. 

“Well?” Blaine asked after he realized Kurt wasn’t going to acknowledge him. 

“‘Well,’ what?” Kurt replied, trying to keep the grin off his face. 

“Aren’t you going to say thank you?” he asked. 

“For what?” Kurt shot back. “For not telling me which song we were doing before just springing it on me, or for making me act out being a junkie stripper in front of a hundred people?” 

Not bursting out laughing at the indignant look on Blaine’s face was probably the hardest thing Kurt had ever had to do. “Kurt! First of all, not telling you was payback for rushing me earlier. And secondly, you enjoyed every second of that.” 

Kurt and Rachel both simultaneously burst into laughter. Kurt was laughing so hard he was nearly crying. When Kurt had finally composed himself, he looked at Blaine and said very sincerely, “Thank you, Blaine.” 

“You are very welcome,” Blaine replied. 

*~* 

Almost three hours later, Blaine found himself talking shop with Kelsey, a junior Rachel met at the winter showcase last year. She was really talented, and she and Blaine were discussing guitars. 

“No, I completely disagree. Martins just have a fuller, richer sound,” Kelsey said. 

“If by ‘richer’ you mean muddied and antiquated. Taylors have much more variability and clarity. You can’t play a Taylor Swift song on a Martin,” Blaine retorted. 

“Well, you can’t play Morrissey on a Taylor,” she shot back. 

“Yes, you can. Hence the variability.” 

“He is insufferable,” Kelsey said, looking over Blaine’s shoulder. 

Kurt smiling at both of them. “Believe me, I know.” Blaine scrunched his nose up at Kurt. “So, I hate to break up this love fest, but I think Rachel and I are about to head out,” Kurt said to Blaine. 

“Already? It’s only like ten o’clock,” Blaine replied. 

“It’s eleven, and I’ve got to get home before I turn into a pumpkin at midnight. Plus, you know me and Rachel. We’ve got an early morning tomorrow, what with all the knitting and Bingo playing,” Kurt said sardonically. 

Blaine chuckled. “Alright, fine. I guess I’m going to head out, too, then. I’ll walk you guys out,” he said. 

They stood up and removed their coats from their chairs. “Are you going home?” Kurt asked. His tone was conversational, but Blaine detected something else there. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was, though. 

Kurt put on his coat, but Blaine paused with one arm in, thinking about Kurt’s question. Blaine and Kurt hadn’t talked too much about their pasts. After Blaine had told Kurt he didn’t want to talk about why he’d chosen “Just a Fool” for their first assignment, they had been at an impasse when it came to sharing information about their lives. They experienced each other’s emotional depth through song but didn’t discuss the events behind it. 

Crazy as it might sound considering how much time they spent together, but they didn’t really talk much about their presents either. Kurt never talked about the fact that he never went out despite being asked out by a fair share of guys, and Blaine never talked about the fact that he slept around. 

Still, they had a silent agreement to never lie to each other. The trust that was necessary for them to truly help each other with their assignments as well as the trust they needed to keep their burgeoning friendship afloat was too new and tenuous for either of them to lie to the other. 

So, they didn’t lie to each other. But they also didn’t talk about a lot of things. Blaine had to wonder why Kurt had asked him when he knew in all likelihood Blaine wasn’t going home. 

“No, Kurt,” he finally said, leveling Kurt with his eyes. “I’m not going home.” 

“Oh,” Kurt said softly, dropping his eyes to the floor. Blaine thought he detected a hint of pink on Kurt’s porcelain cheeks, but Kurt turned abruptly away from Blaine to bid farewell to everyone at the table before he could tell for sure. 

Blaine leaned over and gave Kelsey a hug. He waved to everyone else, and then he, Kurt, and Rachel made their way out of the bar. “I’ll hop on the subway with you guys,” Blaine said. 

“I’m headed that way, anyway.” 

“Where are you going?” Rachel asked. 

“A club in South Village,” Blaine replied. He shot a quick glance at Kurt, but his face was completely impassive. 

“Wow, sounds exciting,” Rachel said, smiling. 

“You guys could come with me,” Blaine offered. 

Kurt’s indifferent look was replaced with an incredulous one. Rachel laughed. “I don’t think so,” she said. “That’s not really our kind of thing.” 

“Have you ever been?” Blaine asked as they descended the stairs into the terminal. 

“Well, no,” Rachel said diplomatically. 

“How do you know you won’t like it unless you try it?” Blaine quirked his eyebrow. 

“I’ve never gone to prison, either,” Kurt snapped, finally breaking his silence. “You don’t always have to try something to know you won’t like it.” 

They had made it to the platform and were standing with a few other late-night subway riders. Blaine checked the display screen. Luckily, their train was set to arrive in just a few minutes. 

“It’s not _prison,_ Kurt,” Blaine said back defensively. “It’s a nightclub. People will be dancing, drinking, and pretty much just enjoying themselves, a concept I know you’re not terribly familiar with.” 

The livid look on Kurt’s face told Blaine he had gone too far with his comment. Kurt didn’t call Blaine out on his partying and Blaine didn’t call Kurt out on his prudishness – that was their unspoken agreement. And Blaine had just broken that rule. Kurt opened his mouth to let loose what was undoubtedly a biting comeback when Rachel stepped in to salvage the situation. 

“Well, anyway,” Rachel said, overly bright, “I couldn’t go even if I wanted to. Alec and I have an early rehearsal for a big performance in our acting class next week.” Rachel began prattling on about the performance she and Alec had to prepare for, and for once Blaine was glad for her incessant chattering. Blaine actually really liked Rachel. She was sweet and a very close friend of Kurt’s, but man, could she talk. Blaine tried to weigh in enough to appear interested, especially because Kurt was sitting on the other side of Rachel, pouting with his arms crossed, completely ignoring both of them. 

Finally, after what seemed like much longer than the twenty minute ride it actually was, they reached their stop. They all exited onto the platform and moved over to the side to make way for other commuters. Rachel and Kurt would have to get on another subway train to get to Brooklyn, and Blaine would exit the terminal and walk to Club Shelter. 

“Alright, well, I guess this is where we part ways,” Blaine said. “Unless you changed your mind?” He addressed his playful question to Rachel because Kurt still looked pretty pissed. Blaine knew his comment to Kurt was a little uncalled for, but he thought Kurt was definitely overreacting. 

Rachel smiled. “I really can’t. Thanks, though.” She leaned in and gave Blaine a hug. “You guys were amazing tonight.” 

Blaine released her and said, “Thank you, Rachel.” 

“And what’s your excuse?” Blaine finally addressed Kurt. His tone was a little challenging instead of the same playful one from before that he’d meant to use. 

Kurt finally looked up at him, glaring. “I don’t need an excuse. I just don’t feel like going.” 

Blaine threw his hands up. “Fine.” He turned to Rachel. “You guys be careful, okay?” 

“You too,” Rachel said with a somewhat forced smile. “Have a good night.” 

Blaine nodded and looked to Kurt one more time. When it seemed that Kurt wasn’t going to say goodbye to him in any way, he gave Rachel a small wave, turned around and headed toward the exit. 

_What was his problem?_ Blaine thought. 

*~* 

“Okay, what is your _problem?_ ” Rachel turned to glare at Kurt as soon as Blaine was out of earshot. 

“Are you serious?” Kurt asked angrily. He crossed his arms tightly over his midsection. “He insults me and I’m the bad guy?” 

“Oh, please,” Rachel replied, exasperated. “Kurt, it’s eleven-thirty on a Friday night and we’re going home so we have time to do our skin care regimen before bed. Exciting we are not.” 

“We’re actors! Skin care is very important!” 

“Regardless,” Rachel said, placing her hand on her hip, “you were upset with him before his comment about you not being fun. So what’s the deal?” 

“I don’t have a ‘deal.’” Kurt stared behind Rachel, looking at the other people on the platform waiting for the train to Brooklyn. There was a young teenage girl with headphones and severe bangs. She was pointedly looking away from everyone and clutching her bag close to her side. Kurt got the feeling her unease was caused by the group of guys joking and guffawing a few feet away. 

He looked at the monitor on the wall and cursed internally. Their train wasn’t going to get there for another ten minutes. They must have just missed the last one. 

“Kurt,” Rachel said. “You obviously have a problem. I’m your best friend, so just tell me what it is.” 

Kurt’s gaze caught Rachel’s and he softened at her look of concern. “I just…” he paused, deliberating. “I wish he didn’t always have to go out all the time.” 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Rachel said immediately. “You didn’t seem to mind when he was out with us at Callbacks.” Kurt just raised his eyebrows at her. “Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Kurt, you’re not- are you _jealous?_ ” Rachel asked incredulously. Kurt’s eyes dropped to the dirty terminal floor, his eyes boring into the cracks. “You are, aren’t you? You think he’s going to find some guy at the club and take him home, and that’s what you’re upset about.” 

“I don’t _think_ he’s going to take some guy home, I know it,” Kurt replied, brow furrowed. He crossed his arms tighter into his midsection. 

“But, you just said not two hours ago that –” 

“I know what I said,” Kurt interrupted quietly. He took a deep breath and decided to be completely honest with Rachel. “Just because I know we can’t be together doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me when he hooks up with other guys.” 

“Aw, Kurt,” Rachel says sympathetically. She tugged on Kurt’s arm until he released his grip on himself, wrapped her arm around his back and rested her head on his shoulder. 

Kurt sighed. After a minute he said, “I know I’m not being fair. I’m going to have to apologize to him, aren’t I?” 

Rachel looked up at him, blinking. “ _Oh_ yeah.” 

*~* 

Ten minutes later, Blaine arrived at Club Shelter. He walked up to the bouncer and shook his hand, clapping his arm with the other hand. “Hey, Jerry. How’s it going, man?” 

“It’s all good, Blaine,” Jerry answered with a smile. “You can head on in.” 

“Thanks,” Blaine answered, heading through the front door. He heard people in line outside groaning and complaining about him skipping the line, but he didn’t so much as look over his shoulder as the door closed behind him. 

He and Jerry had been on good terms ever since Blaine had starting coming to Club Shelter a week after he moved to New York. It hadn’t taken Blaine too long to find the best nightclub in town, even if it was on the opposite side of town from his apartment. He and the bouncer had a mutually beneficial relationship – Blaine was sure to drop some money Jerry’s way every couple of weeks or so and Jerry never called Blaine on his fake ID or made him stand in line. 

After paying his cover fee, Blaine didn’t stop to take stock of the crowd or the flashing bright lights. The music was so loud Blaine could feel it in his teeth. It made his head completely devoid of anything except the intoxicating beat. 

He began making his way through the crowd to the bar on the opposite side of the room. Warm bodies were tightly packed on the dance floor. Blaine brushed by sweaty men in tight, brightly colored clothing as he skirted the edge of the dance floor to cross the room. 

When he got to the other side, he squeezed in between a twenty-something guy and a group of girls at the bar. He waited for ten minutes until the bartender, a moderately attractive older guy, finally took his order. 

“I’ll have a rum and coke,” Blaine replied loudly to be heard over the music. 

“Make that two,” Blaine heard from over his shoulder. He turned to his right and saw that the group of girls had been replaced by a good-looking guy. Blaine’s eyes travelled slowly down the length of him, taking in his tight t-shirt and skinny jeans. He was broader and taller than Blaine, and had short, dark hair. His smile was slightly goofy and he had dimples, but his eyes oozed sex appeal, especially when they were looking at Blaine like that. “It’s on me,” he said, laying a twenty down on the bar. 

“Thanks,” Blaine replied with a smile of his own. He saw the guy give Blaine the same once-over he had just given him. 

“It’s not free, though,” the guy said slyly. 

“Oh, really?” Blaine shot back. “Well, what’s it gonna cost me?” 

“A dance.” The bartender sat their drinks down and picked up the money. Blaine drained down his entire rum and coke in a few giant gulps and put his empty cup down with a loud thump. The other guy smiled wryly but followed suit, drinking his entire drink in one go as well. 

Blaine grabbed his hand, walking backwards into the crowd and pulling on the guy’s hand, moving his body to the beat of the heady electronic music coming through the speakers. When they got near the center of the dance floor, Blaine hooked his fingers into the other guy’s belt loops and pulled him flush against his body. He began to grind against the guy, moving his hips to the beat. 

The guy ran his hands up Blaine’s sides and then wrapped them around him, resting them on his lower back and pulling Blaine against him hard. Blaine looked up, parting his lips and bringing his arms around the guy’s neck. 

Blaine could already feel himself beginning to sweat. He was starting to feel slightly bubbly from the drink he’d had. The music was so loud he could feel it complete fill him up to the brim. He couldn’t think with the beat connecting him so thoroughly to everyone else in the room and specifically to the guy he was pressed up against. 

_Make me come alive_  
_Come on turn me on_  
_Touch me, save my life_  
_Come on and turn me on_  
_I'm too young to die_  
_Come on and turn me on_  


He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, relishing the feelings coursing through him. He never felt more alive than when he was anonymously dancing in a club with a random guy. A bead of sweat trailed down Blaine’s neck and he felt the guy’s tongue follow it. His lips then focused on Blaine’s pulse point. 

His eyes flew open as he moaned. His eyes focused on the other side of the dance floor. Blaine stopped cold. _Holy shit!_ He thought. _Kurt._

He saw Kurt’s form receding from the dance floor, heading towards the exit. Had Kurt decided to come after all? And then saw Blaine dancing with that guy and… all of the color drained from Blaine’s face. He immediately took off in a run after Kurt. “Hey, wait –” the guy Blaine was dancing with called after him, but he didn’t so much as spare him a glance. He was knocking into people as he tried to make his way across the overly crowded room. 

When Blaine finally got to him, he grabbed Kurt’s arm and shouted, “Kurt!” He turned around and Blaine immediately dropped the guy’s arm. It wasn’t Kurt. A strange mixture of equal parts relief and disappointment washed through Blaine. The guy looked at Blaine wide-eyed. “I’m sorry,” Blaine apologized immediately. “I thought you were someone else.” 

“It’s okay,” the guy said loudly. “I’m Luke!” 

“Blaine!” he responded instinctively. Blaine took in the guy in front of him. From the front he didn’t look much like Kurt at all. His eyes were all wrong, and his skin tone was darker. He wasn’t nearly as beautiful as Kurt, but from behind Blaine had been sure Luke was his friend. 

They both had the same build and height and very similar hairstyles. Luke even dressed like Kurt. “Would you like to dance, Luke?” Blaine said, thinking quickly. Maybe similar to Kurt from behind was all he needed. 

Luke’s eyes flashed as he shot Blaine a smile. “Sure! Just let me go tell my friends!” He nodded his head towards a group of five girls and guys standing near a table on the edge of the dance floor. Blaine nodded as Luke walked over to his friends. Blaine felt silly – Luke hadn’t been headed towards the exit. 

Luke came back and Blaine raised his hand out to the other boy. “Shall we?” 

Luke took his hand and they both made their way to the dance floor. Blaine made sure not to head to the same spot he had just been dancing with the other guy. When they found a spot big enough for the both of them, Blaine turned to Luke, pulling the boy until he was facing away from Blaine. Both boys started moving to the beat of the music. Blaine put his hands on Luke’s hips and started grinding into his ass. 

Not exactly right, but close. 

*~* 

Two hours later, Blaine and Luke drunkenly staggered out of the cab and up to the door of Blaine’s building. He was pretty sure he had left the cab drive a fifty percent tip, but he didn’t care. Blaine pushed Luke against the wall next to the entrance. He crushed his mouth against the other guy’s, his kiss sloppy but hungry. 

He was devouring Luke, leaving him breathless. Blaine pressed himself against Luke. He was already half-hard. He couldn’t remember the last time he had wanted someone this badly. He moved his mouth down to Luke’s neck, nipping at his skin. 

“We sh-should go…inside,” Luke slurred, panting. 

With a final nibble, Blaine removed his mouth from Luke’s neck, grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. Tom, the middle-aged night doorman, opened the door from them. As Blaine dragged Luke across the lobby to the elevator, he shot a quick glance over his shoulder. Tom shook his head and looking up to the heavens. He was suppressing a smile, though. By now Tom was very used to Blaine’s late-night antics. 

Blaine pressed the button to call the elevator then pulled Luke around and pressed him up against the closed elevator doors. He crushed his mouth against Luke’s, thrusting his tongue into the other boy’s mouth. Luke moaned into Blaine’s mouth and Blaine took Luke’s bottom lip between his teeth. The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. The boys fell through the open door, and Luke barely caught them on the handrail along the inside of the elevator. Blaine turned his head, reaching back to press the button for the sixth floor. Luke began nibbling on Blaine’s ear, and Blaine hiked Luke’s leg up so it wrapped around Blaine’s thighs. 

Luke’s mouth tasted like the shots of tequila they had had earlier, but Blaine didn’t mind. He was so blissed out from all the alcohol in his system he knew he wouldn’t mind much in his current state. Blaine didn’t make a habit of drinking quite so much when he went out to clubs, but something about dancing with Luke just made him want to keep revisiting the bar. He found that the more he drank the easier it was to pretend he was dancing with – 

The dinging of the elevator interrupted Blaine’s thoughts. Luke dropped his leg and gasped for air as Blaine tugged his hand once again down the hall and to his doorway. Luke wrapped himself around Blaine’s back, breathing heavily in Blaine’s ear and dipping his hand under the edge of the front of Blaine’s jeans as he dug in his pockets for his keys. After a few seconds, Blaine finally got the key into the lock and pushed the door open, a feat made much more difficult by his drunken state and Luke’s wandering fingers. 

Blaine turned his head, meeting Luke’s lips once again. He reached around and pulled Luke to his front, pushing him forcefully against the wall and grabbing the sides of his face. Luke reached down and began fumbling with Blaine’s belt. Blaine started walking backwards, crossing his small apartment with his lips still locked to Luke’s. 

After passing through his bedroom doorway, his legs finally hit the edge of his bed. He collapsed down onto it, pulling Luke along with him. Luke was straddling Blaine, and having undone his belt, was now fumbling with Blaine’s button and zipper. 

Finally, finally Luke reached his hand into Blaine’s unclasped pants and removed his aching cock. Blaine groaned in relief into Luke’s wanting mouth as he tightened his grip, stroking Blaine a few times. 

Blaine rolled over, pinning Luke beneath him. He kicked off his shoes and pulled down his pants as quickly as he could. With Luke’s hand massaging his cock, Blaine began to remove the other boy’s pants as well. 

When Luke’s pants were crumpled up on the floor next to the bed, Blaine separated his mouth from Luke’s to hastily yank his shirt over his head. He tossed it behind him, and then made quick work of undoing the buttons on Luke’s shirt. 

He thrust Luke’s shirt open, wrenching his mouth from the other boy’s and began kissing down his jaw to his neck. Reaching between them, Blaine grabbed Luke’s leaking cock and pumped it forcefully. Luke moaned, running the hand that wasn’t still on Blaine’s cock through Blaine’s unkempt curls. 

Blaine released Luke, getting off of him to go to the nightstand and grab two condoms and a bottle of lube out of his bedside drawer. His heart racing, Blaine jumped back on the bed next to Luke, ripping open a condom packet and quickly sheathing Luke’s cock with it. He then continued with his mouth along the path he had begun before, kissing down Luke’s chest, his abdomen, and then lower. 

The taste of blueberries invaded Blaine’s senses as he engulfed Luke with his mouth. He bore down on him, sucking with all his might. He knew from experience how little you could feel during oral sex with a condom. Luke wound his hands into Blaine’s curls again, moaning loudly. 

Blaine opened the bottle of lube, slicking up his finger. He began pressing against Luke’s hole, which caused Luke to moan again, this time louder than before. Rushing, Blaine pressed hard, stretching the other boy’s muscles until his finger was buried to the first knuckle. He allowed Luke only a few seconds to adjust before pumping his finger and adding another. 

Searching a bit, Blaine pressed his fingers against the other boy’s prostate. Luke’s hips jerked wildly. Blaine’s mouth was starting to ache, so he released Luke’s cock with a loud pop and removed his fingers from inside of him. Luke looked nearly startled at the quick change of pace, but before he could do anything Blaine grabbed him aggressively by his hips and flipped him onto his stomach. 

Luke whimpered when his cock made contact with Blaine’s comforter, but Blaine quickly pulled Luke’s hips back, nestling himself between the tops of Luke’s ass cheeks. He opened the other condom he’d left sitting on the bed and rolled it over his cock. He slicked up his hand with lube hastily and stroked himself, spreading it. 

Without further preamble, he pressed himself slowly inside. Blaine slid into Luke easily, burying himself completely in Luke’s warm heat. With only the light from outside and from this angle, Blaine could pretend Luke’s skin was alabaster. He could pretend his moans and whimpers were slightly higher pitched, that his eyes were blue oceans instead of – Blaine didn’t know what color Luke’s eyes were. Not that it mattered. 

He dug his fingers into Luke’s hips hard enough to bruise, pulled out almost all the way, then slammed back into him. He repeated the motion, fucking into Luke as hard as he could. Luke let out a half-whimper, half-moan. Blaine was chasing the tension coiling in his belly, chasing away the loneliness. 

After a few minutes of gasping frenzy, Blaine felt that familiar tightness that meant he was about to cum. He reached around and began stroking Luke so they could come together. A few strokes later, Blaine felt Luke’s body go rigid as he reached climax. Blaine thrust one last time and came, the orgasm washing over him in equal parts with his own self-loathing. 

He collapsed on top of Luke, feeling the emptiness rush in like it always did after he came inside of a stranger. It was a massive void inside of Blaine that, try as he might, he could never escape. He was gasping for air, and not just because of the physical exertion of fucking. 

He scooted off of Luke as quickly as he could given how spent he was. He removed his condom, flinging it into the wastebasket near his bed. Crawling under his covers, he buried his head in his pillow, clenching his eyes shut and biting his bottom lip so hard he could feel it bruising. 

Luke adjusted his position but was Blaine glad the other boy didn’t try to touch him. When he breathing finally calmed, Blaine tried to release all of his tension and fall into a blissful slumber. As he drifted off, to forget how hallow he felt, Blaine focused on one thought: plump, red cherries.


	6. Mystery Only Leads to Doubt

The next morning, Kurt sauntered into the lobby of Blaine’s apartment complex, bag of bagels and coffee in hand. He had woken up this morning feeling sheepish for his behavior toward his friend the night before and decided to surprise him with coffee and an apology. They had been planning to rehearse for their duet on Friday, anyway, and Kurt figured they could make amends, hang out and maybe even be productive.

“Good morning, Henry,” Kurt said to the daytime doorman. 

Kurt had been coming to Blaine’s apartment usually every other day if not more for the last month, so Henry was very familiar with him. Kurt was always sure to say to the kind older man. He had even gotten to know him. They had had many conversations while Kurt was on his way to or from Blaine’s apartment. He knew that Henry had three kids, two in their thirties with children of their own and one that went to NYU. Henry knew Kurt was originally from Ohio and was a student with Blaine at NYADA. It didn’t escape Kurt’s attention that he had a much easier time getting along with senior citizens than he did with people his own age. 

“Good morning, Mr. Hummel,” Henry replied with a smile, letting the door close behind Kurt. 

Kurt groaned. “I have something for you, but you can only have it on one condition: you have to stop calling me ‘Mr. Hummel.’”

Henry chuckled. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Oh, so you don’t want the coffee, then?” Kurt replied, deadpan. “Okay, I guess I’ll just…” Kurt turned as if to go to the elevators.

“Oh, alright,” Henry replied, voice full of resignation. “Good morning,  _ Kurt. _ ”

Kurt smiled gleefully. “Much better,” he replied, handing Henry one of the three coffee cups in the holder in his left hand.

Henry took a sip of the coffee. “You’re pure evil,” he said after swallowing. “Manipulating a little old man like that. You should be ashamed. I’ll probably get fired, you know.”

Kurt laughed loudly. “Oh, please. They couldn’t fire you, this place would fall apart. Besides, who should be ashamed now? You’re the one trying to make me feel guilty for bringing you coffee.”

“Touché,” he replied, smiling warmly. “You can head on up. You’re here early today. He’s probably still asleep.”

Kurt turned, heading toward the elevators. “I’m counting on that.”

When it got there, Kurt entered the elevator, giving Henry a small wave with the hand not holding the coffee before the doors slid closed.

At Blaine’s floor, Kurt turned and headed to his door. He knocked lightly once. He waited for a few seconds, but when he didn’t hear Blaine stir, he knocked again, this time much louder. He thought he heard some shuffling inside, so he waited a full thirty seconds before knocking again. 

Kurt heard Blaine swear and shout, “I’m coming!” through the door. Kurt raised his eyebrows at Blaine’s tone. He knew Blaine wasn’t a morning person and he had probably been out late the night before, but seriously, nine AM was not  _ that  _ early.

The door swung open and Kurt took in Blaine standing in a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, eyes bloodshot and bleary and a look of complete shock on his face.

“Kurt? What are you doing here?” he asked quickly. He glanced over his shoulder quickly.

“Well, good morning to you, too,” Kurt replied with a smile. He figured Blaine would be sleepy and still upset when he remembered what Kurt had done the night before, so he decided to just be as breezy as possible, give his apology and then move on like they’d done the last time Blaine had been mad at him.

Kurt quickly sidestepped Blaine, entering his apartment. He headed over to the kitchen, setting down the things he’d brought.

“Kurt, wait–” Blaine said quickly.

“I know it’s early,” Kurt interrupted him. “Sorry to wake you up, but I thought I’d surprise you with breakfast and,” Kurt turned around to face Blaine, coffee in hand and a sincere look on his face, “an apology.”

“A – a what?” Blaine asked. He looked completely bewildered, almost to the point of panic.

“An apology,” Kurt repeated. He held the coffee out to Blaine, and Blaine reached for it instinctively. “I’m really sorry for being such an ass last night. I was just in a bad mood, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Kurt felt that was close enough to the truth that it wasn’t an outright lie. Besides, how could he tell Blaine the whole truth about what he had been feeling last night when he didn’t know himself?

“No,” Blaine said, his voice breaking, “Kurt, you don’t have to…” He trailed off, floundering. Kurt really hadn’t meant to take him so off guard. He took note to not wake Blaine up without some sort of warning next time.

“I really do,” Kurt replied, smiling. Blaine shot another quick glance over his shoulder, and Kurt’s eyes followed instinctively. What he saw made his blood run cold. Through Blaine’s bedroom door, Kurt could see a guy in Blaine’s bed, mostly covered with a sheet but obviously nude. 

“ _ Oh, _ ” was all he could say. After staring for a few uncomfortable seconds, Kurt finally turned his gaze back to Blaine. Blaine was standing there looking at Kurt levelly, no doubt waiting for his reaction. “I – I’m sorry,” Kurt said immediately, his tone hushed. “I should have called. I shouldn’t have just showed up like this. It was really, really impolite.” Kurt looked down at the floor, his face warm. It felt like something was trying to claw its way out of Kurt’s chest. If he didn’t get out of there soon, he was afraid he would break down.

“No, it’s okay. You know you don’t have to–” Blaine took a step closer to him, and instinctively Kurt took a step back.

“Cream cheese,” Kurt said quickly, interrupting Blaine again. It was the first thing that came to Kurt’s mind, a way to escape this situation. He imagined Blaine was confused, but he couldn’t lift his eyes from the floor to actually see it. “I brought bagels, but I forgot cream cheese.” Kurt forced a small laugh. He walked toward the door, giving him an excuse to look away from Blaine. “I’m just going to go get some from that little store on the corner. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Kurt, wait,” Blaine reached out for Kurt’s arm, but Kurt reached for the doorknob before he could grasp it. His arm hung in the air between them. Kurt clenched his eyes closed, mustering every ounce of the actor inside of him to the surface. He forced a smile, opened his eyes and glanced over his shoulder at Blaine. 

The other boy’s eyes were filled with so many emotions, Kurt couldn’t tell what he was feeling. Discomfort, definitely, but what else? Shame? Guilt? Concern? Or was it indifference? Kurt didn’t have it in him to analyze. He had to get out of there.

“I’ll just be twenty minutes or so,” Kurt said. “It will give you time to…sort everything out.” Kurt rolled his eyes playfully. “I’ll be right back.”

Blaine didn’t say anything, so Kurt opened the door. “Oh,” Kurt said before walking out. He forced a teasing smile. It took literally everything in Kurt. He felt he deserved an Oscar in that moment. “He can have my coffee. I’ll get some more. Maybe it will help you let him down gently.” 

Kurt nodded his head toward Blaine’s open bedroom door and because he was a glutton for punishment, he took one last glance at the boy in the bed. His chest tightened as he exited the apartment, closing the door solidly before Blaine had a chance to respond.

As soon as the door closed, Kurt’s face fell. He wrapped his arms around himself, and clenched his eyes shut to keep tears from welling up in his eyes.  He leaned his head against the wall next to Blaine’s door. He had never felt more stupid in his entire life. He knew Blaine was going to sleep with some guy last night, he  _ knew  _ it. Why didn’t he think the guy might still be there in the morning?

He felt like his chest was literally cracking in half. He felt so ridiculous. He knew better than to develop feelings for Blaine and all the while had promised himself that he wouldn’t, but standing heartbroken in Blaine’s hallway at the thought of Blaine with another guy made it pretty hard to doubt anymore. He knew Blaine slept around and obviously didn’t care about Kurt in any way that wasn’t purely platonic. 

Kurt vowed to himself right then – alone in a hallway nearly in tears – to put a stop to this. He was through developing schoolgirl crushes on guys that didn’t, couldn’t,  _ wouldn’t _ care about him. He was through being pathetic. He deserved better than that. There were plenty of guys in New York City, and he was going to find one that could reciprocate his feelings. 

He had told himself he and Blaine couldn’t be together because he didn’t want to ruin their friendship, when really all along he was terrified of this moment – of knowing that Blaine, the perpetual man-whore, hadn’t even tried to sleep with Kurt. That he clearly didn’t want Kurt in any way, much less the way Kurt knew he himself would want Blaine.

Kurt took a deep calming breath and turned to walk towards the elevator. Somehow, Blaine had managed to slip past his defenses under the guise of friendship. He refused to feel this way over Blaine Anderson ever again. He knew now what Blaine was and was not capable of, and he had to stop deluding himself. He and Blaine would be friends really and truly, and that was it.

*~*

When Kurt closed the door, Blaine let his arm fall to his side. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. He set his coffee down forcefully on the counter, making some slosh out of the small opening on the top. Blaine felt like punching something. It was like Kurt always had to see the worst parts of him.

He quickly walked to his bedroom and shook the guy on his bed awake. Luke, Blaine recalled. Luke looked up at Blaine, one eye closed, the other one squinting. “Hey, sorry, but you have to go,” Blaine said. “I’m expecting someone.”

Luke sat up slowly, covering himself more thoroughly with Blaine’s sheet. He looked around Blaine’s room like he’d never seen it before, and really, Blaine thought, he hadn’t.

Looking over Luke in the light of day, Blaine remembered how he’d thought Luke looked like Kurt the night before. Shame washed through him. This guy didn’t possess an ounce of Kurt’s beauty. “Bathroom’s in there,” Blaine said, gesturing to his bathroom door. “I’ll give you some privacy.”

He left his room, closing the door behind him. Blaine was so goddamn angry, and he had no idea why. So what if Kurt saw that Blaine slept with someone last night? It’s not like Kurt didn’t know about Blaine’s…promiscuity. Blaine had all but told him he was going to fuck someone last night. Blaine went and got his coffee, taking a sip and he leaned against his kitchen counter, facing his living room.

Blaine would have been upset with himself if he thought he had hurt Kurt at all when he saw someone else in Blaine’s bed, but Kurt had made it pretty obvious that he didn’t care one way or another. That thought struck a nerve in Blaine, and he clenched his jaw. 

Kurt didn’t care.

Blaine knew that they could never be together, he could never be what Kurt needed, but it still hurt to know that Kurt wasn’t even a little bit jealous that Blaine had been with someone else. Just the thought of Kurt with some other guy was enough to send Blaine to his punching bag. And yes, he knew that wasn’t fair considering how many guys he regularly fell into bed with, but he felt how he felt and there wasn’t much he could do about it.

His bedroom door opened slowly and a fully dressed sheepish looking Luke entered Blaine’s living room. “Uh, hey,” he said tentatively.

“Hey,” Blaine replied. He reached over and grabbed Kurt’s coffee out of the holder and held it out for Luke. The symbolism of the moment tore at Blaine’s insides. Luke didn’t deserve to be near anything that belonged to Kurt. “Here,” he said hoarsely. “This is for you.”

“You went out for coffee?” Luke asked, crossing the room and retrieving it.

“No,” Blaine replied, looking past Luke out the window in his living room. “A friend brought it over. He said you could have it. He left, but he’s coming right back, so…”

Luke blushed. “Right. So, I should probably go then.” Usually Blaine didn’t feel bad for blowing guys off after one night stands. He figured they should have known what they were getting into when they found someone at a nightclub instead of a coffee shop or somewhere a little more innocuous. Blaine never forced or coerce anyone into have sex with him, and he never signed any contracts or made any promises he didn’t intend to keep.

However, something about the look of disappointment on Luke’s face just then reminded him so much of Kurt that it nearly broke his heart to throw this guy out of his apartment. There was something innocent about Luke, and that quality was what drew Blaine to him in the first place. Luke hadn’t been at the Shelter last night looking for a booty call, he had been out with friends and Blaine had accosted him. Blaine felt like slime in that moment. 

He didn’t want to let Luke down, but really, he was doing Luke a favor. Blaine wasn’t cut out to be anyone’s boyfriend. He would undeniably hurt the other boy, and Luke deserved better than that. He deserved someone who could love him.

“Yeah,” Blaine said softly. “Probably so.”

“Alright,” Luke said sadly. “It was nice to meet you, Blaine.”

Blaine nodded, swallowing thickly. He wanted to return Luke’s pleasantry, but Blaine couldn’t speak around the lump in his throat.

Luke turned slowly walking to the door. He hesitated before opening it, like he was waiting for Blaine to call him back. When Blaine didn’t, Luke exited Blaine’s apartment, closing the door with a soft click behind him.

Blaine turned around to face his counter, running his hand through his hair. His eyes landed on the bag of bagels Kurt had brought. Blaine moved the bag of bagels, examining the container nestled in behind it – cream cheese.

*~*

A few hours later, Kurt and Blaine sat on Blaine’s couch, eating Chinese and watching  _ Once _ for about the sixth time since they had chosen their song for their duet assignment the week before. When Kurt had returned that morning from the store, Blaine had just gotten out of the shower and cleaned up his room. 

They both sat and ate bagels and talked about everything but the incident that morning. Kurt didn’t bring up Luke and Blaine didn’t bring up Kurt’s lie, and like most important topics, they chose to ignore it, focusing instead on more inane things.

They practiced their duet, “Falling Slowly” from  _ Once _ , a couple of times halfheartedly, but really, neither of them were in the mood for doing school work and if Kurt was honest with himself, they had already pretty much perfected it.

“Okay, be honest,” Kurt said after swallowing a forkful of pork lomein, “how many of these songs do you know how to play completely, all the words and everything?”

“All of them,” Blaine said matter-of-factly, mouth full of sesame chicken. 

“Seriously? All of them?” Kurt asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” Blaine said, finally swallowing. “ _ Once _ is probably my favorite movie musical. ‘Say It to Me Now’ was actually my audition song for NYADA.”

Kurt blanched. “ _ Really? _ Wasn’t that kind of a risky choice?”

Blaine chuckled. “That’s exactly what Carmen Tibideaux said.” Blaine shrugged. “Guess it paid off, though, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Kurt replied. “Would you play it for me?” The thought of Blaine playing such a folky, gruff song was appealing. He had expected Blaine to have auditioned with an acoustic version of a Katy Perry song or something like that. He had to hear Blaine’s rendition.

“What, now?”

Kurt grabbed the DVD player remote and paused the movie. “Sure. I mean, if you want.”

Blaine shrugged again, setting his paper container down. “Alright.” He picked up his guitar from where it was leaning next to him. Crossing his legs, he started tuning the guitar by ear. He plucked out some notes, adjusting some knobs with well-practiced precision. He strummed and adjusted the knobs again. “It’s in open E,” Blaine said by way of clarification. 

After about a minute, Blaine was apparently satisfied with the key and started strumming out the beginning chords of the song.

“Actually, on second thought, I’m gonna stand up. This is kind of a full-body song.” He stood, putting his guitar strap around his shoulder. “Ready?”

Kurt nodded enthusiastically and Blaine began to play.

_ I'm scratching at the surface now _ _  
_ _ And I'm trying hard to work it out _

Kurt was transfixed by Blaine’s soft singing. It was very reminiscent to him of the first time he had heard Blaine play “Hallelujah,” only with this song there was so much power behind Blaine’s voice. He played and sang it so comfortably it was almost as if he’d written it himself.

_ So much has gone misunderstood _ __  
_ This mystery only leads to doubt _ __  
_ And I didn't understand _ __  
_ When you reached out to take my hand _ __  
_ And if you have something to say _ _  
_ _ You'd better say it now_

Blaine smashed out the chords as he let loose the chorus.

_ Cause this is what you've waited for _ __  
_ Your chance to even up the score _ __  
_ And as these shadows fall on me now _ _  
_ _ I will somehow_

Kurt was floored by how gravelly Blaine’s voice became as he sang the chorus. He knew the song, of course, and knew the punch and power the chorus held when it was played in the movie, but Blaine did it so  _ well _ . 

His normally smooth, popish voice was replaced by one that much more rough and emotional. He was nearly screaming, wailing on his guitar so fiercely Kurt was surprised the strings didn’t break and the neighbors didn’t call the cops.

_ Cause I'm picking up a message Lord _ _  
_ _ And I'm closer than I've ever been before _

_ So if you have something to say _ __  
_ Say it to me now _ __  
_ Say it to me now _ _  
_ _ Say it to me now_

Blaine played the last few bars and then quietly ended the song. “Wow,” Kurt said after a moment. He felt his heart thumping quickly in his chest. Though the mood he had made his convictions in that morning had passed, Kurt was determined to swallow any feelings he might be having that weren’t purely platonic. “I can see why you got in.” He forced himself to take a bite of his lo mein and look nonchalant.

“Thank you.” Blaine laughed softly and returned to his seat next to Kurt. He picked up his food and resumed eating as Kurt un-paused the movie.

Kurt absently stared at the screen and took slow bites as he began thinking. No one had ever made Kurt more confused than the boy he was sitting next to. He was caught between wanting to withdraw and hide himself away where Blaine could never wrap himself up inside of Kurt’s heart – and inevitably rip it to shreds – or else forging deeper, sharing and receiving more and progressing their relationship with pain and histories and backstories.

Because as much as Kurt would love to deny it, he was desperate to know who it was that Blaine sang about all the time, the guy who had shattered him. Blaine never talked about it, but Kurt knew without a doubt Blaine had been broken by someone.

Kurt wasn’t in the habit of lying to himself. He liked Blaine. There was just so much going on, a million reasons why that wasn’t enough. Whatever this was, it wasn’t simple. 

Kurt could never get away from Blaine completely, at least not until December, because they still had to interact as partners for their class. And regardless, the thought of not having Blaine in his life made Kurt feel nauseous.

But then again, Kurt wanted to keep his secrets and let Blaine cling to his, because the more he got to know Blaine, the more he was bound to get wrapped up in him, and Kurt couldn’t afford that. Whatever he felt for Blaine was so much more than the crushes he had had before. Blaine would devastate him if Kurt gave him the chance, and he wasn’t strong enough for that. He just wasn’t.

He went back and forth in his mind, trying desperately to see the path of least destruction. Finally, Kurt felt he had to make a decision. He decided that if he treated Blaine like a very good friend, then he could trick himself into seeing him that way. Besides, maybe seeing more of Blaine’s flaws would make him seem less appealing. 

Before he could chicken out, he paused the movie again, sat his food down and said, “Blaine, can I ask you something?”

Blaine looked concerned at Kurt’s somber expression. “Of course.”

“Do you consider us friends? Or are we just partners for a class?” Kurt didn’t say this defensively; he genuinely wanted to know exactly how Blaine viewed their current relationship before forging ahead.

“Kurt,” Blaine said, “we spend time together nearly every day. We hang out on weekends. We only spend like, maybe a fourth of that time talking about class or rehearsing.” Kurt waited for Blaine to say it point blankly. “Yes, of course we’re friends. In fact…” Blaine hesitated, averting his gaze briefly before looking into Kurt’s eyes, “I know we haven’t really known each other very long, but I consider you one of my closest friends.”

Kurt nodded, smiling softly. “I consider you one of my closest friends, too. Which is why I wanted to ask you something. I know I said I would never make you talk about anything that made you uncomfortable, but I was wondering…” Kurt hesitated, nervous at how Blaine would react. “Will you tell me about the guy you sing all of your songs about?”

Blaine sat his food down on the table and slowly pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them. “What makes you think there was a guy?” he asked softly.

“I don’t know, I just…I  _ see _ you, Blaine.” Kurt pulled his legs up to sit cross-legged on the couch, waiting for Blaine to respond.

“Kurt, I…” Blaine looked past Kurt’s head.

“I know you might not want to talk about it, but I – I want to get to know you,” Kurt said hastily, when he thought Blaine was going to shoot him down. “You just said we’re close friends, but we don’t actually know that much about each other. I want to know about how you’ve been hurt. I want to be someone you can talk to and trust. And I want to trust you. We can even take turns.” Blaine’s eyes met Kurt’s, and Kurt offered him a small, sad smile. “You tell me about him, and I’ll tell you something about me. Something…hard.”

Blaine stared into Kurt’s eyes unwaveringly. Kurt could see the internal battle Blaine was having. It was the same one Kurt had had with himself moments before – the struggle between protecting himself and letting Kurt care about him. After a few long, tense moments, Kurt could see that he had won. Blaine, looking resigned, dropped his eyes to the worn area on his left knee of his jeans.

“His name was Jeremiah,” Blaine said quietly. “We met at the mall during my sophomore year. He worked at the Gap. He was a few years older than me… We had a few coffee dates, but it didn’t really seem like anything was going to come of it. But I was-” Blaine laughed humorlessly. “Persistent. I even thought about singing for him in public.” He snorted softly. “That would have been a complete disaster because it turns out he wasn’t out. Not to his family, friends, coworkers, not to anybody.” 

Blaine picked at a loose thread in his pants, staring at it fixedly. Kurt sat silently, hands in his lap as he listened to Blain’s story. “That probably should have warned me off, but it just made me want him even more.  So, we started secretly dating. It was so exciting at first. We had to sneak around, drive to Columbus to go on dates in public. It all felt very  _ Romeo and Juliet. _ ”

Blaine took a deep, shuddery breath, looking wistful. He wrapped his arms around his knees, closing himself off more. “And then it got harder. Sometimes, everything would be great. He would make me feel so alive. I’d never felt so close to anyone. I gave him everything, my whole self, my virginity. But then other times I felt like…like he was ashamed of me.” 

Blaine’s dejected tone turned to one of anger. “He wouldn’t let me meet his family or his friends, didn’t want to meet any of mine in case somehow word got out that we were together. He would sometimes pick fights with me over the most ridiculous things. I think he was trying to push all of his self-loathing onto me, like it was  _ my _ fault he was gay.”

_ And it worked _ , Kurt thought. After getting to know Blaine, Kurt could clearly see that Blaine didn’t respect or think very much of himself. Blaine blinked quickly, fighting back tears. Kurt wanted more than anything to give Blaine a hug, but the way Blaine had his arms wrapped so tightly around his legs made Kurt think he wouldn’t be very receptive to physical contact. 

“So, what happened?” Kurt asked gently.

“After we had been together about six months, the end of summer came. It was time for him to go away to college. He broke up with me. I told him we could work it out—I mean, he was only going about four hours away to Michigan State. And then he told me –” Blaine’s voice broke.

“He told me that he never loved me. That he was only with me to try and ‘figure himself out’ and he wanted a clean slate at college. He didn’t need some high school kid tethering him to Westerville.” Blaine swiped angrily at the tears that had fallen from his lids.

Kurt’s heart broke for Blaine. He couldn’t even imagine that kind of pain. He just knew he never, ever wanted to experience it. He hated this faceless guy who he had never met for being so cruel to his friend. No one had the right to be that callous to someone else, regardless of how much self-hatred they were feeling.

“I know it’s stupid to be so messed up from some silly high school romance–” Blaine said.

“Blaine, no. It’s not stupid or silly. He was your first love, and he was so cruel to you. It – it’s not stupid.”

Blaine nodded, pursing his lips. “After that…I couldn’t get close to anyone. I started” –he gestured to his bedroom, and for the first time Kurt saw a brief look of shame cross Blaine’s face at the mention of his sex life—“and I just never really stopped.”

“Did you believe him… when he said he didn’t love you?” Kurt asked after a second.

Blaine rested his chin on his knees. “Does it matter? Either way, he still broke my heart. And if he did love me, it makes it worse that he could say all those things to me, hurt me on purpose even though he cared about me just because he was afraid.”

Kurt nodded. “I guess that’s true.” He decided to forego his earlier decision and reached out to touch Blaine’s hand. “I’m so, so sorry that happened to you, Blaine. But…thank you for telling me. I’m glad you felt like you could trust me enough to share it.”

“Thank you for being such a good friend. I could  _ really _ use a friend right now.” Kurt smiled at Blaine, refusing to acknowledge the sting the word “friend” brought. Kurt was being selfish. Blaine would undoubtedly push him away if he knew Kurt had any romantic feelings about him, and he could tell Blaine meant what he said – he did need Kurt. He thought for the millionth time that they were both better off not being together.

“You’re welcome,” Kurt replied.

Blaine took a deep, shaky breath. “I guess it’s your turn now, huh?”

Kurt thought for a second. “Not right now, okay? I trust you, and I’ll definitely tell you, I promise. I just don’t think either one of us can take anymore negativity right now.”

Blaine looked completely drained. He didn’t even protest. “Okay,” he said.

Kurt reached for the remote and looked to Blaine to make sure it was alright if he restarted the movie. After a brief pause, Blaine unraveled himself and leaned forward slowly to grab his food. When he took a bite, Kurt pressed play.


	7. Falling Slowly, Sing Your Melody

For the rest of the week, they spent most of their time together rehearsing for their performance on Friday. Blaine really wanted to play instruments for the song, insisting it just wouldn’t be the same without them. The only problem was that the song really sounded best with both guitar and piano, and Blaine couldn’t exactly play both at the same time.

They had discussed it to great lengths and had finally decided that Blaine would play the guitar and teach Kurt to play the piano part. Kurt had taken piano lessons as a kid, but had quickly given them up to pursue ballet. He found that he still had some of that innate technical skill from his lessons, though any actual pieces he’d learned had been long forgotten.

It was a fairly simple piece but Kurt was still terrified at the thought of their grade hindering on his performance. Kurt went over to Blaine’s house every day and practiced, as well as playing the song over and over during his lunch breaks in a rehearsal room at NYADA. He had perfected it to a point where even Blaine was impressed, telling Kurt he should really consider taking up piano again.

Still, though Kurt knew he could play the piece flawlessly, it didn’t stop him from being nervous as he waited for the second-to-last pair to go. He and Blaine had been randomly chosen by Gates to go last, and Kurt found he much preferred to go first and get it over with. He hadn’t been this nervous even during his first performance for Gates’ class. Kurt felt nauseous as he listened to one of the girls – Rebecca, he thought her name was – singing a song from _Little Women_ miss a high note. He flinched, but continued tapping out the notes to the song he was about to play on his legs.

Blaine reached over and grabbed Kurt’s hand closest to him to make him stop. He leaned in and whispered, “Stop it. You’re only going to work yourself up. You know this song. You’re going to be great, okay? Just trust yourself.” Kurt nodded, touched by Blaine’s kind words. It was Blaine’s grade on the line too after all, and if he trusted Kurt enough to bank on his playing then Kurt needed to have some faith in himself.

Soon the girls finished and it was time for judgment. That was something Kurt both loved and hated about attending NYADA. He understood the importance of criticism in the art of performance, but that understanding didn’t make the negative feedback sting any less. He thought not for the first time how masochistic everyone in the room must be to subject themselves to such constant criticism.

Mr. Gates was sitting behind a desk with a clipboard in front of him, taking notes on the performances. “Okay, ladies, good news first,” Gates said. “Technically, except for a few iffy notes, your piece was performed beautifully in regard to skill. Now, the bad news: it was not a good song for the two of you. It fit your voices well, but you didn’t reach nearly the emotional level needed to portray those characters. ‘Some Things Are Meant to Be’ is a song about hope and love and grief and finding light in the dark. Beth is dying and she and Jo are saying goodbye. You failed to convey the complexity of the sisters’ bond.”

The girls looked crestfallen. Kurt truly felt sorry for them. Gates had been going a little easy on the class on previous assignments, but it seemed like for this duet assignment he was kicking his expectations up a notch. The butterflies in Kurt’s stomach fluttered wildly. “It was a good effort, though," Gates continued, "You’ll get it next time.”

The girls sat down and Gates said, “Blaine and Kurt, you guys are up. Last but certainly not least. Let’s see what you’ve got for us.” Kurt stood up slowly and watched as their professor spun around multiple times in his chair. Mr. Gates was actually an excellent teacher, and Kurt felt like he had really improved since the beginning of the semester, but sometimes the man acted like a child. Blaine took his guitar out of the case that was sitting by his chair and pulled it over his shoulder. Kurt walked slowly to the piano and sat as Blaine pulled a chair over to sit beside the piano bench.

Kurt took a deep breath and looked to Blaine. He was propped on the stool looking way more comfortable than Kurt thought he should. He swore that boy never got nervous. Blaine gave Kurt a reassuring smile and nodded his head.

They started playing simultaneously and looked at each other as Blaine began singing the song.

Blaine:  
_I don't know you_  
_But I want you_  
_All the more for that  
_

Kurt was surprised to find he was playing perfectly. He supposed all that time spent practicing had really paid off. He was a little uneasy about the reception of this song in particular interpreted as a male/male duet. It was a little unconventional, to say the least. But there was something effortless about singing with Blaine. It zapped all the nerves right out of him.

Blaine & Kurt:  
_Words fall through me_  
_And always fool me_  
_And I can't react  
_

The boys only looked at each other as they sang. It was a general rule of Kurt’s that he didn’t really look at his audience while he was singing, because if they seemed to be enjoying it, he would get cocky, and if they seemed to hate it, he would get nervous and mess it up even more. Still, looking anywhere but into Blaine’s hazel eyes – _more green today with his sweater_ , Kurt thought – would have been utterly impossible. They swallowed him whole.

Blaine:  
_And games that never amount_  
_To more than they're meant_  
_Will play themselves out  
_

Blaine & Kurt:  
_Take this sinking boat and point it home_  
_We've still got time_  
_Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice_  
_You'll make it now  
_

Kurt loved “Falling Slowly” as a song choice for this class in particular because most of their other class members usually picked big songs with belting and soaring high notes to show off their technical skill. Kurt and Blaine both had learned pretty early on that Gates was one of the few musical professors that didn’t give a rip about vocal control or breathing or matching pitch, even. He would give an A to a pitchy but passionate performance any day over a perfectly executed but inexpressive one.

This song was understated, almost simple, but it was beautiful in its simplicity. It was also fairly easy for Kurt to emote through – he just put all the confusing feelings he’d been having about Blaine into his performance.

Blaine & Kurt:  
_Falling slowly, eyes that know me_  
_And I can't go back_  
_Moods that take me and erase me_  
_And I'm painted black_  


Kurt’s only completely solo part was coming up, but he wasn’t apprehensive anymore. To Kurt, it was only he and Blaine, playing this song in Blaine’s living room like they had done countless times in the last couple of weeks. He had planned to look down at the piano and watch his hands to make sure he didn’t screw up playing while he sang, but he couldn’t wrench his eyes away from Blaine’s as he sang the lines directly to him.

Kurt:  
_You have suffered enough_  
_And warred with yourself_  
_It's time that you won  
_

Blaine & Kurt:  
_Take this sinking boat and point it home_  
_We've still got time_  
_Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice_  
_You've made it now_  


_Falling slowly sing your melody_  
_I'll sing it loud  
_

Blaine:  
_Take it all_  
_I played the cards too late_  
_Now you’re gone_  


They slowed down the song, taking the more powerful music and bringing it back down to the simple melody from the beginning. They played the last couple of bars and brought the song to a close.

Kurt heard sniffles. He finally tore his eyes away from Blaine’s and looked around the room and saw some of the girls wiping tears from their eyes. He was kind of delighted that his and Blaine’s performance had made people cry. That had to be a good sign, right? But then his eyes landed on Gates, and Kurt realized there was only one opinion in the room that mattered.

After the song’s ending had resonated in the room for a few moments, Gates spoke. “That was a very interesting song for a male duet, so props for surprising me. It doesn’t happen often.” Gates paused, pursing his lips. Kurt mentally prepared himself for a negative assessment of their performance. “What’s remarkable about your song choice is that it doesn’t have as clear a meaning as the choices of your peers. It wasn’t integrated into the plot of the musical as much as ‘Some Things Are Meant to Be,’ for example. It left a lot up to the two of you for interpretation of the emotional depth of the song. Blaine.” Blaine raised his eyebrows. “What does this song mean to you?”

“Um,” Blaine said, clearly caught off guard. Gates hadn’t asked anyone else to interpret their songs. Kurt scrambled to come up with an answer as well in case Gates asked him the same question. “Well, not to sound trite, but I think the song is very reminiscent of the plot of _Once_. It’s the narrative of two people falling for each other that can’t or won’t for whatever reasons have a romantic relationship. In the beginning, they’re flirting, getting to know each other, and the ‘sinking boat’ is the relationship that they both know will fail, but that doesn’t stop them from being hopeful and wanting it to happen. But of course, in the end the relationship doesn’t work out, and that kind of sets the tone for the song.”

“Interesting,” Gates replied, nodding. “And you, Kurt?”

“I agree with Blaine,” Kurt said immediately, glad he had had time to think of an answer. “But I also think there’s an emphasis on the journey and not as much on the failed end result. It’s more focused on the time they’ve had to spend together regardless of what their relationship may be. It’s sort of…unapologetic about living in the now.”

“Very good,” Gates said. “So the song has two major emotions – sort of a bitter wistfulness about the relationship they know won’t work but also a completely irrational sense of hope that it might.” Blaine and Kurt both nodded at Gates, agreeing with his analysis. “I think you guys captured those emotions perfectly. With Blaine focusing on the dark and Kurt on the light, the juxtaposition of your voices really embodied that. It was a spectacular performance. Truly beautiful. Great job, guys.”

Kurt blushed as he and a beaming Blaine went and took their seats. They smiled the whole rest of the period as Gates gave some final pointers on their performances overall and ended the class.

When they left the room, Blaine carrying his guitar case and Kurt bouncing on his heels, a glowing Kurt turned to Blaine and said, “Wow.”

Blaine chuckled, bumping Kurt with his shoulder. “I told you you could do it.”

Kurt gave Blaine an appreciative smile. “You were amazing. Thank you so much for everything.”

“Kurt, you don’t have to thank me. I just taught you the chords. That in there? That was all you. And frankly, you are a lot braver than I am. I would have been terrified to perform a song for a grade on an instrument I had only been playing for two weeks.”

Kurt laughed loudly. “I was so terrified I still can’t feel my face.”

The boys exited the building and began walking toward the closest subway station. “Do you want to come over to the loft tonight?” Kurt said. “Rachel’s having a couple people over for a game night. I know it sounds kind of lame, but–”

“Actually, it sounds really fun. I love games,” Blaine said. “Will you be my partner?”

“Sure,” Kurt said immediately. “Rachel already said I had to find someone else to partner with anyway, because she’s going to use tonight as an excuse to flirt shamelessly with Alec.”

“Oh, I see,” Blaine said indignantly. “So you’re just _using_ me because you need a partner.”

Kurt bit back his smile. “Absolutely,” he said.

Blaine laughed, shaking his head. “Let’s go to my place first so I can get cleaned up and drop off my guitar.”

*~*

Around six o'clock, Blaine and Kurt were finally walking up the stairs of Kurt’s building. Blaine was actually really curious to see where Kurt lived. Because of convenience, Kurt and Blaine had always spent their time in Manhattan, either in public, at NYADA, or at Blaine’s apartment. Honestly, it was only the second time Blaine had crossed the Brooklyn Bridge since coming to New York. Well, metaphorically speaking. They had actually taken the subway and gone under the East River.

Kurt unlocked the door and slid it open. Blaine looked around Kurt’s apartment, smiling. It was very _Kurt_. Impeccably stylish, though no doubt decorated on a budget. There were things that couldn’t be covered, like stains on the ceiling, walls, and floors, but Kurt and Rachel had somehow managed to make it look intentional. It blew Blaine away. There was something else, too: their apartment was nearly the same size as his own, but it didn’t feel small or cramped despite having two inhabitants instead of one. It felt very cozy and lived in. It felt like home.

 _Brooklyn really isn’t_ that _far,_ Blaine thought mildly.

“Kurt, is that you?” Blaine heard Rachel’s voice from the living room area. He hadn’t noticed her facing away from them bending over the coffee table when he had taken his first cursory glance around the apartment.

“Yes, Rachel, it’s me, the only other person with a key,” Kurt called back, closing the door behind the two of them. He turned to Blaine, rolled his eyes and whispered, “I swear, she always greets me like we live in a mansion and not a matchbox.”

“I heard that,” Rachel said, coming over to wrap Blaine in a hug. “How’d you manage to persuade this guy into coming?” She squeezed Blaine tight.

“Bribery, extortion, sexual favors,” Kurt replied airily.

“Man, I am not nearly as cool as you guys seem to think I am,” Blaine said, releasing Rachel. “I’ve really fooled you. I happen to love board games.”

Rachel scoffed. “Board games?” She turned to Kurt. “You didn’t prepare him at all, did you?”

“Prepare me for what?” Blaine said. He was starting to feel a little apprehensive. He’d been primed for a game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, but clearly that wasn’t on the agenda for the night.

“It’s not the easiest thing to explain. The boy’s a quick learner, he’ll be fine,” Kurt said.

“Explain what?” Blaine said a little louder.

“Kurt! You’re throwing him to the lion’s den,” Rachel exclaimed.

“He’ll _be. Fine_ ,” Kurt answered, ignoring Blaine. “Besides, he’s my partner. What are you so worried about?”

Rachel huffed, turning to go to the kitchen to finish preparing what looked like snacks and beverages for the night. “Fine,” Rachel said. “It’s your funeral. I was just hoping you’d make it at least somewhat of a challenge tonight. Alec and I are going to kick your butts, no contest. I’ve been preparing him all week.”

“Oh, bring it on, Berry,” Kurt retorted with an adorable little snort. “You and Alec barely know each other. We’re going to wipe the floor with you.”

“Kurt, please,” Blaine nearly pleaded before Rachel could respond. “What are you guys talking about? What exactly are we doing tonight?”

Both Rachel and Kurt looked at Blaine and simultaneously busted out laughing at what was no doubt a frantic look on his face. _They’re always doing that_ , he thought sardonically.

“Come on,” Kurt said, hooking his arm in Blaine’s. “I’ll show you my room and explain everything.”

The boys walked into Kurt’s room and Kurt flopped down on his bed, pulling Blaine down with him. “Damn,” Blaine said immediately, snuggling into Kurt’s pillow. “Your bed's really comfortable.”

Kurt laughed lightly. “Thanks,” he said. Blaine lifted his head, taking in Kurt’s room. He had a dark striped bedspread and lamps on either side of his bed.  There was a small desk with a laptop and some framed photographs and a small bookshelf along one wall, filled to the brim with DVDs and back issues of _Vogue_ and _Elle_.

“I like your room,” Blaine mumbled into Kurt’s pillow. He surreptitiously took a whiff. Kurt’s pillow smelled like him, like roses and something woody and cherry blossoms. Blaine felt his mouth water.

“Thank you,” Kurt said again, sitting up. “Come on,” Kurt patted the bed next to him, indicating Blaine should sit up. “We have to talk about game night.”

Blaine sat up instantly, remembering his burning curiosity from a few minutes before. “Yes, let’s.”

“Okay,” Kurt said. “Game night started when Rachel and I were in high school. Our glee club would get together and play these music and musical theater based games. We would get really competitive about it. Anyway, when I moved to New York, we continued the tradition with some of Rachel’s friends from NYADA. It’s kind of become a thing. We do it once a month. It’s me and Rachel, Kelsey and Jane, and Ryan and Shelby,” Kurt listed their group of friends they usually hung out with at Callbacks. “Tonight, you and Alec are coming, so we’re going to shuffle up pairs a bit.”

“Okay, but what are the games exactly?” Blaine asked.

Kurt hesitated. “There are five games we play and all the games are pair based,” he said. “Forehead Detective, Partner in Pen, Song Charades, Musical Pictionary, and Sing Song Ping Pong.”

Blaine tried to cover his snicker. “Wow, you guys are really serious about this, aren’t you?”

“Don’t laugh!” Kurt said, blushing.

“I’m not laughing,” Blaine lied. “I think it’s adorable.”

“You don’t have to play if you don’t want to,” Kurt said, fiddling with his shoe string.

“Hey,” Blaine said, his face becoming serious. He hadn’t meant to hurt Kurt’s feelings. “I do want to, I _really_ do. Explain the games to me, okay?”

Kurt raised his eyes to Blaine’s slowly. “Okay,” he replied with a small smile.

*~*

A few hours later, Blaine was watching Rachel desperately mime for Alec as they played Song Charades. Blaine was happy to find that he and Kurt made an excellent pair so far. They were neck and neck with Kelsey and Jane and miles ahead of the other two teams. As the night progressed, Rachel got more and more agitated that she and Alec didn’t seem to connect or understand each other.

Kurt and Blaine had outplayed everyone during Forehead Detective, either because they got lucky picks or just understood each other's references. Kelsey and Jane had bulldozed in Partner in Pen, but that seemed to be something that came with time and practice. Blaine was sure he and Kurt would get the hang of it.

Blaine took a sip of his wine, smiling at how clueless Alec looked. Rachel was clearly miming the word “parade” and her song was obviously “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” Blaine was genuinely surprised at how much fun he was having. He laughed to himself, remembering how he thought they would be playing Monopoly.

“Uh, uh, march? Band? Band? Marching band?” Alec said. He looked so uncomfortable. Blaine felt sympathy for the guy. If Blaine hadn’t been doing so well with Kurt, he probably would look exactly like that.

Kurt loudly made the sound of a buzzer. “Time’s up,” he said gleefully.

“I’m so sorry,” Alec said to Rachel.

“It’s okay,” she replied. She was smiling brightly but Blaine thought the area around her eyes looked kind of tight. She came and sat in the empty spot next to Blaine. “You guys are up,” she said, nudging Blaine with her knee.

“What was it?” Alec asked as Kurt stood.

“Don’t Rain on My Parade,” Rachel answered. Her voice was kind. She was competitive, but Blaine knew she wouldn’t be too hard on Alec. It was his first time, after all.

Kurt reached into the hat and pulled out a slip. He looked up at the ceiling for a second and then looked at Blaine. “Okay. Ready?” Blaine nodded and Rachel turned the timer.

Kurt held up five fingers. “Five words. Shit.” Blaine said. Kurt nodded. Kurt held up five fingers again. “Fifth word,” Blaine said. Kurt nodded. He did a jazz hands motion up and down with his hands horizontal. “Rain?” Blaine said immediately. Kurt nodded vigorously again.

He held up one finger. “First word.” Kurt cupped his hand as if he were holding a drink or something and motioned sitting it down. “Uh, cup?” Kurt shook his head, doing it again. “Place?” Kurt waved his hand like “keep going.” “Set?” Kurt nodded, touching his nose.

He held up three fingers. “Third word.” Kurt nodded and held up two fingers. “No, second word?” Blaine asked. Kurt shook his head vigorously, holding up three fingers again. “Third word,” Blaine repeated. Kurt nodded again, holding up two fingers. “The third word is two?” Kurt touched his nose.

Kurt held up two fingers. “Second word.” Kurt nodded and mimed shooting a gun. “Um,” Blaine said, flabbergasted. “Shoot?” Kurt waved his hand, miming it again. “Set. Shoot. Two. Rain. Set. To. Rain.” Blaine’s mind was reeling, going through his internal iPod. “Fire!” he shouted, excited. “’Set Fire to the Rain’!”

Kurt shrieked, jumping up and down. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Rachel groaned. Kurt went over to the chalkboard on the wall and placed a tally under their names.

Kurt came back and sat beside Blaine, giving him a high five as he sat. “Wow, you’re pretty quiet over there, Berry,” Kurt said over Blaine. “Where’s all that big talk I heard earlier?” Blaine had never seen this side of Kurt before. He was always self-conscious or nervous when it came to performing, like he didn’t realize how amazing he was. It was nice to see Kurt being confident, even if he was only joking with his friend.

“Shut up, Hummel. There’s still plenty of time. Go ahead and get cocky, it’ll make it even easier for me to beat you,” Rachel replied. She was about as intimidating as a kitten.

Kelsey and Jane were up next, and they got theirs pretty quickly. Then came Ryan and Shelby, and if Blaine was honest, Ryan had been absolutely terrible at all the games so far. Blaine cringed as he acted out his song title. Poor Shelby looked so lost, and Blaine didn’t blame her. He had no idea what Ryan was pantomiming either.

After Song Charades, the group played Musical Pictionary. Alec was actually a decent artist, and he and Rachel made up some points from before. Kurt and Blaine and Kelsey and Jane were still tied for first, and Shelby and Ryan were obviously still in last.

Then it was time to play Sing Song Ping Pong. It was the game Blaine had most been looking forward to. From what he understood, he would go against someone from another team and they would have to take turns singing a phrase from a song with one of the words from the phrase sang before, but they couldn’t use the same relevant word twice.

Blaine was pumped up. He was up first, and he was up against Rachel. Blaine couldn’t have gone up against someone worse. Kurt maybe, but Kurt was on his team. Rachel had been playing this forever from what Kurt told him earlier and Blaine had heard tale of Rachel’s impressive internal song bank. He was pretty much screwed.

He and Rachel were standing facing each other in front of everyone. Rachel was grinning at him slyly. “Okay,” Kelsey said. “Genre is contemporary pop, 1990s to now. I’ll start you off, and then it will go to Rachel. Ready?” They both nodded their heads, and Kelsey sang the first line, _“Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me.”_

Blaine smiled lightly at hearing Kelsey’s tremulous alto float out into the room. Rachel flashed a cocky grin at Blaine and sang almost immediately. _“Here’s my number, so call me MAYBE.”_

Blaine wracked his brain. His mind latched onto the word “call.” It was so much harder than he thought it would be. He was running out of time, and his mind could only focus on that fucking Carly Rae Jepsen song. Surely he wouldn’t lose on his first turn. Suddenly, there was something there. Norah Jones. He sang, _“Waited ‘til I saw the sun, don’t know why I didn’t CALL.”_

Rachel looked stumped for a moment, but not even five seconds later she was singing back at him, _"Take a chance and DON’T ever look back.”_

 _Shit_ , Blaine thought. How did she do that so quickly? It was taking him at least twice as long. He really wasn’t sure he could come up with another one. Plus, he was pretty sure it was part of Rachel’s strategy to use really catchy songs so they’d get stuck in his head while he tried to think of others. Just as Kelsey was about to call time, Blaine shouted, _“Baby got BACK!”_ Everyone laughed, including Rachel. Blaine glanced at Kurt and saw him nearly falling off the couch he was laughing so hard.

But then Rachel shot back, _“BABY, baby, baby, oh.”_

Blaine tried to think of another song with the word “baby” when Kelsey said, “Rachel! Violation. You have to provide a relevant word.”

Rachel rolled her eyes but sang the next line, _“I thought you’d always be mine, mine.”_

Blaine smiled, thankful that a useful song had come up earlier that day when he shuffled his iPod. _“He is the best thing that’s ever been MINE.”_

 _“And we danced all night to the BEST song ever,”_ Rachel replied. She was killing him with these contemporary songs.

Blaine was floundering. He sang the first song he could think of with the word “dance.” _“I wanna DANCE with somebody.”_

Kelsey made a loud buzzer sound with her mouth. Blaine’s entire body sagged. “Blaine, I’m afraid your submission is invalid. Your relevant word was in the wrong tense, and can someone date the song?”

“Eighty-seven,” Kurt answered immediately, grimacing.

“Let’s all give a round of applause to Blaine Warbler for being a very worthy contender, though,” Rachel said as she hugged Blaine. Everyone else clapped for him and Blaine nodded his head to them obligatorily before going to sit down next to Kurt.

“You did really, really well. Like, seriously,” Kurt said to him quietly, squeezing his hand as the next opponents, Shelby and Jane went up. “No one but me can usually last that long against Rachel. She’s practically unbeatable.”

“Really?” Blaine asked, still feeling dejected.

“Absolutely. And it was only your first time. Wait until you get some more practice.”

Blaine smiled up at Kurt and reached for his glass.

It looked like Rachel was proctoring the next round. “Okay, ready?” she said.

Both girls nodded and they began.

*~*

Though it was a really close game, Kelsey and Jane ultimately pulled out in first, having beaten both of their opponents in Sing Song Ping Pong. Kurt and Blaine had gotten a very close second, though, a fact that Kurt didn’t hesitate to rub in Rachel’s face multiple times throughout the rest of the night.

The group of friends settled into idle chit chat and even sang some karaoke before finally clearing out a little after midnight. On the subway home, Blaine considered going to the Shelter, but then decided his head was already swimming from the three glasses of wine he’d had and he should just call it a night.

When Blaine woke up the next morning, he was peacefully yawning, trying to decide if he should get up or roll over and go back to sleep when a thought suddenly struck him: last night had been the first Friday night that he hadn’t slept with someone since he moved to New York.


	8. I'm the Only One That Needed Saving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of those scarier tags show up in this chapter. Read the end notes for more details if you're triggered by any of them.

Blaine spent nearly the entire day restlessly roaming his apartment. Every time he tried to sit and focus on homework or a movie or playing his guitar, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate for more than a few minutes.

Around five in the afternoon, Blaine turned the TV off and threw the remote on the coffee table. He leaned his head back the couch, rubbing his hand over his face. He couldn’t understand why he was so edgy. So what if he didn’t bring some guy home last night? Was he so insecure that he couldn’t go one weekend without fucking someone?

 _You can always fuck two tonight to make up for it_ , Blaine thought bitterly.

He heard a knock at the door. Grateful for the intrusion to his own little pity party, Blaine hopped up and answered it quickly. He swung the door open to see Kurt beaming at him. Blaine eyed Kurt up and down, taking in how beautiful the other boy was. Kurt would look good in a garbage bag, but Blaine swore he could be a model with how impeccably he dressed. Kurt was wearing a black button up with a grey vest and fitted jeans so tight it shouldn’t be legal. Blaine swallowed past the lump in his throat.

Kurt’s hands were in his pockets, and he looked so at ease and comfortable.

“Hey, stranger,” Kurt said.

“Hey,” Blaine replied, motioning for Kurt to come in. He walked back into his living room and plopped down on his couch. He heard the door click closed behind him.

“What have you been up to?” Kurt asked, coming to sit beside him.

“Um, not much. You just saw me like twelve hours ago. How much could I have really done in that time?” Blaine said.

“Oh, today we get crabby Blaine. What’s wrong?” Kurt leaned on his elbow facing Blaine.

“Nothing.” Blaine sighed. “Just because we’re not all chipper one hundred percent of the time doesn’t mean something’s wrong.”

“Okay, do you want me to go? I really should stop dropping by without calling first. I was in the neighborhood running an errand for Marissa and I decided to come stop by and see you before I went home.”

“No,” Blaine said, turning to look at Kurt. “You really don’t have to do that. You’re welcome to come over anytime, you know that. You’re right, I’m just not in a very good mood.”

“Well, you should tell me what’s wrong,” Kurt said.

Blaine ran his hand through his hair. He couldn’t very well tell Kurt he was tense because he hadn’t had sex the night before. That would be too much for their...whatever their relationship was right now. Something else popped into his mind, though. Something that had actually been bothering him all week.

“Kurt…” Blaine hesitated. He wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. “You never told me anything about you. I told you all that stuff about Jeremiah, and now I feel kind of vulnerable around you, and you still haven’t really…” He looked down at his lap.

“I’ve been meaning to,” Kurt replied after a brief pause. “It just…never seemed like a good time. We’ve spent all our time together this week rehearsing, and I didn’t know how to bring it up.” Blaine didn’t say anything, waiting for Kurt to continue. “I guess now’s as good a time as any, right?” Blaine looked up into Kurt’s eyes, cocking his head. Blaine watched as Kurt bit his bottom lip between his teeth and then slowly released it.

“I don’t have a story like yours. No one ever broke my heart. But… there was something. Do you remember when we first talked at the coffee shop and I told you I was the only out gay kid at my school?” Blaine nodded. “Well, that’s true. But I wasn’t the only gay kid. There was a guy, David Karofsky. He was a football player, a complete Neanderthal. All of the jocks tormented me on a regular basis, throwing me in dumpsters, pushing me into lockers, tossing slushies in my face.”

Kurt clenched his jaw. “But Karofsky took a special interest in me in particular. I spent my first two years of high school terrified of him. I would flinch every time someone would slam a locker shut or duck into classrooms when I saw him walking by.”

Blaine reached for Kurt’s hand and squeezed it briefly to give Kurt courage to go on. He was trying to keep his face impassively sympathetic for Kurt, but Blaine felt fury slice through him, hot and vicious. If he ever saw this Karofsky kid he swore would punch his fucking face in.

The thought caught Blaine off guard. He had never felt anger so strongly toward anyone, not even the kids that had beat the shit out of him after that school dance when he was fifteen. Really, though, how could anyone see all the beauty and wonder in Kurt and want to destroy that? It was inconceivable to Blaine.

“So one day late into my sophomore year, I was running an errand for a teacher,” Kurt continued. “The halls were empty. Next thing I know, Karofsky’s pulling me into a janitor’s closet. I thought he was going to pummel me, so imagine my surprise when he kisses me instead.” He pursed his lips briefly, almost as if he could still feel the other guy’s lips on his. “I instinctively pushed him away. I had never…”

Blaine furrowed his brow. This guy bullied Kurt and then had the nerve to rob him of his first kiss?

Kurt took a slow breath. “He freaked out and threatened to kill me if I told anyone.”

“That fucking – but you _did_ tell someone, didn’t you?”

“I don’t believe in outing, Blaine,” Kurt said defensively.

“Not about him being gay, I meant did you tell someone about him threatening you?”

Kurt hesitated. “Eventually,” he said. “He got expelled, but then he repealed to the school board, and because there were no witnesses, he got his expulsion revoked. He was back at school a few weeks later.”

“What happened? Did he stop?” Blaine got a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Kurt laughed bitterly. “Hardly. My dad wanted me to switch schools, but I didn’t want to leave my friends. I didn’t have anyone else. So I lied. I pretended Karofsky had laid off, but really, he redoubled his efforts. And worse…” Kurt stopped, and Blaine sensed they were near a cliff of sorts. He felt Kurt was about to entrust him with something very important, and he hoped he deserved it. “H-he would.” Kurt pulled his hand away from Blaine’s and crossed his arms tightly over his midsection. Tears began streaming silently down Kurt’s face as he looked pointedly behind Blaine’s head.

“When he could get me alone he would…kiss me a-and sometimes touch me.” Kurt squeezed his eyes shut tight.  “I didn’t want him to. I told him to stop.” Kurt said this quickly as if Blaine were going to accuse him of _wanting_ to be assaulted.

Blaine was completely floored. He didn’t know what to say or how to react. He couldn’t believe Kurt had carried this around with him. It was bad enough that so many gay kids had to go through some form of bullying, but then to be sexually assaulted by your tormentor was just… Blaine knew without a doubt that if he ever came in contact with this Karofsky kid one of them would end up in the hospital.

“Kurt, please tell me you told someone,” Blaine pleaded. Surely Kurt hadn’t dealt with this all alone. Blaine wanted to kick himself for not having reached out to Kurt during their show choir competitions like he had wanted to.

“I’ve never told anyone until now,” Kurt answered softly.

“Kurt, he was _assaulting_ you. You should have told your dad or anyone. Had him arrested or at least switched schools. You couldn’t have just–” Blaine was rambling, and he knew it might have sounded like he was blaming Kurt for the situation because he didn’t try to get help, but obviously he knew how terrified Kurt must have been. But Blaine couldn’t stop. He dreaded hearing that Kurt had let this go on for two years. If Kurt told him that, Blaine was afraid he might do something crazy like hop on a plane to Ohio or wherever and find this fucking guy right then.

“Obviously I know I should have told someone,” Kurt said bitterly. “God, do I know that.”

“How long?” was all Blaine could bite out through his gritted teeth. His hands were throbbing and he realized they were both clenched in fists.

“Two months,” Kurt replied, biting his lip. Blaine thought he would be relieved to hear it hadn’t gone on for the rest of Kurt’s high school career, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear Kurt had had to endure it for two months.

Blaine tried to take a deep breath, uncurl his fists, and relax. He knew the best thing he could do for Kurt was to calm down and just be there for him, but he had never been so furious in his life. “So, what happened? Why did he stop?”

Kurt covered his face with his hand for a second, trying to calm down. He looked like he was about to deteriorate into sobs. Blaine got a sudden feeling there was even more to Kurt’s story. Blaine almost wanted to tell him to stop, to just bury the rest where no one could find it. He didn’t think he could hear much more. But Kurt needed him, and that was all that mattered.

“We got caught,” Kurt said finally.

“He got caught, Kurt,” Blaine couldn’t help but interject. “You weren’t doing anything wrong.”

“Right,” Kurt said feebly, nodding. “We…we were in the locker room. I was trying to sneak in after French Club to get my PE uniform. But then he came in from football practice to get something and he…shoved me up against a locker and…was kissing me and then all the other players came in suddenly and saw us. I think it started raining or something.” Kurt sniffled.

“They all started giving him a hard time, calling him a faggot, pushing him around. He just kept denying it, saying it wasn’t what they thought. They weren’t actually paying much attention to me, so I ran. Out of the locker room, out of the school to my car. I went home and stayed in my room all night. I was so afraid for _myself_ ,” Kurt said bitterly. “Afraid they would really start in on me now that they had actually seen me with another guy.” He snorted. “I was so stupid.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said admonishingly. “You were in _no_ way obligated to defend him or help him in _any_ way. Being in the closet and conflicted about your sexuality doesn’t give you the right to treat other people like shit and _assault_ them. He deserves whatever he got.”

“Don’t!” Kurt yelled suddenly. Blaine flinched. Had Kurt developed feelings for the guy that had been attacking him? “That night he killed himself,” Kurt said through a sob.

Blaine had no idea how to handle this situation. Kurt needed a therapist, not a fucked up teenage boy who couldn’t even handle his own problems. Blaine had never dealt with anything this big before. He couldn’t believe Kurt had equated _this_ to Blaine’s stupid, pathetic breakup story. He went on instinct and wrapped Kurt in his arms, murmuring “I’m so sorry” over and over again.

He couldn’t imagine the confliction Kurt must have felt for this guy. On the one hand, he must have hated Karofsky and everything he had done to him, but on the other, Blaine knew how pure and compassionate Kurt was. Kurt would never, ever want someone to feel like suicide is better than their life, no matter who they were or what they had done to him.

After a few minutes, Kurt had calmed down considerably. With his head still resting on Blaine’s chest, he said softly, “When I first heard, I felt so… _relieved._ I’ve felt terrible about that ever since.”

“Kurt, you had every right to feel that way. He was terrible to you. No one would think less of you, least of all me, for being relieved that he wouldn't be around to hurt you anymore,” Blaine replied, rubbing his hand slowly back and forth on Kurt’s back.

“I think less of me,” Kurt replied with conviction. “I should have helped him. I knew he was struggling with his sexuality, knew how much he must have been hurting to target me and pick on me so mercilessly. But I was blinded by my own prejudice and hatred, and now he’s dead.”

Blaine was in complete awe. How could Blaine defend Kurt to himself if Kurt couldn’t see how completely extraordinary he was? What words could Blaine use to explain to Kurt that most people would laugh gleefully at their attacker’s funeral while Kurt mourned not being able to help his? How could Kurt have gone through so much and still come out of it with such beautiful innocence and compassion?

Kurt was clutching onto Blaine’s shirt desperately. He had never seen anyone so vulnerable. “Hey, listen to me, okay?” Blaine said. He tipped Kurt’s chin up gently so Kurt would look him in the eyes. “This was not your fault. Not any of it. Not what he did to you and not what he did to himself. You’re only human, Kurt, and it’s too much to ask of yourself to stand up for someone who terrorized you.”

“But, still I—”

“No,” Blaine cut him off. “If he had come to you and asked for your help, without a doubt you would have forgiven him and helped him, wouldn’t you have?”

“Yes,” Kurt said immediately.

Blaine sighed. “I wish you could see how incredible that makes you. Most people couldn’t or wouldn’t do that.” Kurt just looked away. “Kurt, I’m serious. Karofsky made his decisions, and there was nothing you could have done. He could have approached you, but he didn’t. He could have chosen to be decent to you, but he didn’t. Do you think it’s okay for people who were molested or beaten when they were younger to molest or beat children?”

“Of course not,” Kurt said, horrified.

“Exactly,” Blaine replied in an imploring tone. He really needed Kurt to understand this. “Because having a difficult life does not make it okay to be a terrible person.”

Kurt was silent, his head resting on Blaine’s chest. “Okay,” he finally said softly. Blaine held him, refusing to let go until Kurt pulled away. If he needed Blaine’s arms wrapped around him, then that’s where they would be. After a few minutes, Kurt’s sniffles stopped and his breathing slowed. Blaine looked down to see his eyes were closed. Probably exhausted from their conversation, Kurt had fallen asleep.

Blaine envied his peaceful bliss. He had images cycling through his head of Kurt in a closet, in a locker room, being forced up against a wall, his pants being unzipped. Blaine felt like he was going to vomit. He looked down at Kurt’s tear-stained, splotchy face and thought he had never seen a person look more beautiful. Kurt was beautiful inside and out, totally and completely.

Blaine knew Kurt needed to talk to someone about what had happened to him if he was going to deal with it. He had seen how all this stuff was affecting Kurt’s life – Kurt never went out with guys, didn’t even really seem interested it dating. He just shut himself away, not letting people get close to him.

And yet somehow…Blaine had managed to earn Kurt’s trust. He wasn’t sure how it happened, and he definitely wasn’t sure he deserved it. He could only hope that he could manage to be a decent person for once in his fucking life and treat Kurt with the respect that he deserved.

He knew he was going to have to find a way to broach the subject of a therapist with Kurt. There was just no way Blaine could help Kurt by himself. He was going to fuck it up, and Kurt deserved better than that.

Blaine knew he couldn’t push Kurt either, though. Kurt had to make all of these decisions for himself. Blaine may not have known much, but he knew the worst thing he could do was try to force Kurt into anything.

He leaned his head back against his couch and sighed. He felt so raw, like all of his nerve endings were exposed. His eyes drifted closed, and with Kurt’s tear-stained face the only image in his mind, he drifted off.

*~*

Kurt awoke a few hours later, blinking slowly. He was lying horizontally along Blaine’s couch and he was extremely warm. No, make that hot. Sweat was making his shirt stick to his back.

His eyes widened as he took stock of his position: he was nestled between Blaine and the back of the couch with one leg lying on top of both of Blaine’s, an arm over Blaine’s chest, and his face nestled into Blaine’s shoulder. Both of Blaine’s arms were circling Kurt.

Kurt’s first instinct was to jump up, but Blaine’s face was so close to Kurt’s and he could hear Blaine snoring softly. He didn’t want to wake him, so he stayed still. If he was honest, he was enjoying being wrapped around Blaine. He had never felt so comfortable in someone’s arms before.

Since he couldn’t move, Kurt closed his eyes and retreated into his mind, recalling all that he had told Blaine. His heart started thumping wildly at the thought of someone else knowing about everything that had happened between him and Karofsky.

Honestly, Kurt hadn’t meant to share any of that with Blaine. His initial thought was to tell Blaine about the death of his mother, but then at the last second he decided to tell Blaine about being bullied, because as hard as losing his mother had been, it was so long ago and Kurt felt like he had moved on and accepted it.

He _definitely_ hadn’t meant to tell Blaine about his...assaults – he made himself think the word. But Blaine had been looking at him so earnestly with no judgment, and Kurt needed to tell someone. He knew he could trust Blaine, at least with this.

While it was happening, Kurt had spent so much time pretending that it wasn’t and acting like everything was okay so no one would get suspicious that he’d never really had the chance to deal with it or come to terms with the shame and helplessness that he’d been subjected to. He knew he should have told his father, that he should tell him now, but Kurt absolutely hated being treated like a victim. He had been bullied all throughout school, but he had dealt with it and persevered because he was strong and that meant something to him.

He didn’t really want anyone to know about it, because he didn’t want anyone to treat him differently. Kurt was terrified when Blaine woke up he would push him to talk to someone like the police or Rachel or a therapist. Kurt definitely wasn’t ready for that. More than that, though, Kurt was terrified Blaine was going to stop being playful and treating Kurt like a person like he always had and start treating him like a tragedy. Kurt was many things, but broken was not one of them.

Kurt sighed. He would just take this situation as it came like he always did, and he would try to relax and trust Blaine to make the right decisions until he didn’t.

His ribs were sore from sleeping on top of Blaine’s arm, and he shifted slightly to ease the pain. His mind drifted to his physical state. He nearly groaned considering it. He could feel his eyes were puffy, and no doubt his face was all splotchy like it usually got when he got to really full-out crying. Kurt felt shame wash through him at how much emotion he had shown if front of Blaine earlier, but he tried to ignore it as best he could. His clothes were probably rumpled from their impromptu nap, and good God, his _hair._ It was going to be an absolute mess.

Kurt shifted again and Blaine mumbled in his sleep. He was going to have to get up soon. Lifting his head, he slowly moved his leg to lie on top of his other one and pulled his arm back from Blaine’s chest. This only succeeded in making Blaine tighten his grip on Kurt. Kurt winced. Blaine’s arm was really digging into his ribs. He pulled on one of Blaine’s hands experimentally and found that it wasn’t budging.

Kurt went for a different approach, putting both of his hands on Blaine’s chest as best he could and pushing away from him into the back of the couch. Blaine tightened his grip even more, which Kurt didn’t even think was possible. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,” he whispered softly. He tried to pull away again, and when it didn’t work, he let his body sag back into Blaine’s.

He couldn’t believe it. Blaine Anderson was going to cuddle him to death. He was on overload. He couldn’t help it, he just started to snicker at the situation he was in. And then the snicker turned to a giggle, and that evolved into silent full-blown body-shaking laughter. He was nearly hysterical. He tried to be quiet but it was impossible. He couldn’t breathe. Worse, the laughing was putting even more pressure on his ribs and it hurt so bad, but that just made him laugh even harder.

“Mmm, Kurt?” he heard. He looked up to see Blaine gazing at him with a very confused look. His eyes were slightly swollen and still glazed over from sleep. Kurt tried to stop laughing so he could ask Blaine to let him go, but he looked so adorable and dazed that it just added to the humor of the situation for Kurt. His eyes were watering as he gasped for air. He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so hard.

“What- what are you- what’s funny?” Blaine asked, his voice rough. He was waking up a little more, assessing the situation. He still hadn’t noticed his death grip on Kurt, though.

“I. I. Can’t. _Breathe!_ ” Kurt spluttered through his fits of laughter.

Blaine’s brow was still furrowed comically. “Well, try to calm down and catch your breath.” A smile crept up on Blaine’s face even though he still looked confused.

Just as Kurt thought he might be calming down, Blaine’s mistaking his statement overtook him with another fit of giggles. Kurt just tried to tug on Blaine’s arm in the hopes that it would communicate what he had actually meant.

“What – _Oh_!” Blaine exclaimed. Looking sheepish, he immediately pulled his arm out from under Kurt, but the sudden shift caused him to lose his balance and tip off the couch and onto the floor.

“Owww,” Blaine said, laughing now, too.

Kurt was doubled over, clutching his stomach. He peered over the edge of the couch to check on Blaine, and when he saw the boy rubbing his shoulder and laughing, Kurt couldn’t even ask if he was okay.

The boys just lay there, laughing until finally they calmed down. “Are you alright?” Kurt finally asked when he could manage it, his head leaning off the edge of the couch.

“No,” Blaine replied, pouting.

Kurt sat up. He reached a hand out to Blaine, who grabbed it and pulled himself up to sit next to Kurt on the couch. “I think you’ll live,” Kurt said, wrinkling his nose at Blaine.

Blaine’s face suddenly got serious and Kurt realized what he said. “Kurt, we should talk about–”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, okay?” Kurt interrupted. “I told you all there was to tell. Now I want to move on. Can we just forget about it?”

“No, we can’t just forget about it,” Blaine said softly. Kurt’s heart sank. He really thought Blaine wouldn’t push him and would let him dictate how they handled this situation. “But I won’t ask you to talk about it if you don’t want to, either,” Blaine continued. “Just know I’m here if you ever want to talk about it, though, okay?”

Kurt nodded, embracing Blaine. Blaine hugged him back tightly for a few seconds. Kurt let him go and said, “Let’s go out tonight.”

Blaine’s eyebrow shot up. “Seriously? Are you sure you don’t want–”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Kurt replied. He wanted to dance and listen to loud music and be surrounded by strangers and maybe even drink a little. Blaine said people at clubs had fun, and Kurt desperately needed some fun. He couldn’t be left alone in his head tonight. “Let’s go to that club you were telling me and Rachel about.”

“I don’t think…” Blaine began, but he trailed off at the scowl on Kurt’s face. “You know what? If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.” Blaine nodded decisively.

“Good,” Kurt said.

“Okay. Why don’t you go get a shower and I’ll make us some tea?” Kurt nodded, jumping up eagerly to go to Blaine’s bedroom to his drawer. Kurt and Blaine had been going to Callbacks nearly every Friday after class, and since Kurt had been changing at Blaine’s every time, he had gotten tired of his clothes getting wrinkled in his bag when he carried them around all day so had decided to leave some clothes at Blaine’s apartment. He also had a toothbrush and an extra bottle of skin cream in a drawer in the bathroom.

He was looking through his clothes trying to pick out what he wanted to wear when he heard Blaine call from the kitchen, “And hurry up, would you? You’re not the only one that needs to get ready!”

Kurt looked up from Blaine’s dresser, putting his hand on his hip. He spotted Blaine’s bed through the mirror and smiled. Picking up the same pillow that Blaine had thrown at him a few weeks before, he launched it out the door, hitting Blaine squarely in the back of his head.

“Hey!” Blaine called.

“Payback!” Kurt shouted, slamming the door before Blaine could respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for past sexual assault and referenced suicide. Basically, Kurt was sexually assaulted by Karofsky while they were in high school. They got caught together, and then Karofsky killed himself. Kurt never really told anyone until Blaine.
> 
> If you need to skip that you can still scroll up to the last *~* and read after that for some cute cuddle moments and bypass the scary stuff.


	9. My Little Town Blues Are Fading Away

Kurt’s heart was thumping quickly as he made his way with Blaine to Club Shelter. As they got closer, he could see a line of people near the door. He was surprised to find that he was excited. He’d never been to a club before and he had no idea what to expect, but a big part of him loved trying new things even if he sometimes avoided it for comfort’s sake. He just imagined himself letting loose in a crowd full of strangers, dancing with Blaine to his heart’s content.

He moved to stand in the back of the line when Blaine grabbed his hand and pulled him past the people and up to the front door. “Blaine, the line,” he said.

Blaine just shot him a look and shook his head a little. “Hey, Jerry,” Blaine said. Kurt saw that he was directing his statement to the burly bouncer with a shaved head, arms as big around as Kurt’s head and covered in tattoos. Kurt didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone more intimidating looking and Blaine was greeting him like an old friend.

“Blaine,” the guy, Jerry, said, smiling and tipping his head in greeting. “I was wondering about you when you didn’t show that ugly mug of yours around last night. Thought you died or something.”

Blaine chuckled. “No such luck.” 

Jerry’s gaze followed down Blaine’s arm to their connected hands and then up Kurt’s arm to his face. “And who’s this?” Jerry asked. He didn’t say it in a way that made Kurt uncomfortable, though. It was more a tone of genuine interest.

“My friend Kurt,” Blaine answered. “Kurt, this is Jerry, the absolute worst bouncer in SOHO,” Blaine said with a teasing grin.

“Oh, you want me to start enforcing the rules, is that it?” Jerry said, crossing his arms over his torso and squaring his entire body in front of the door.

“Now, come on, Jerry, you know I didn’t mean it,” Blaine said, punching Jerry lightly on his flexed arm.

“Mhm,” Jerry replied. He dropped his official looking stance and gestured for the boys to go in. “Get your ass in there before I make you go stand in line.”

“Right away!” Blaine said cheekily, pulling Kurt into the building.

“It was nice to meet you!” Kurt called quickly before the door closed behind them. He didn’t think the bouncer heard him, though, because his words were swallowed by the ear-numbingly loud music. 

As Blaine paid their covers, Kurt let his eyes trace the entire view before him. The first thing he noticed was the giant stuffed teddy bear screwing an equally large ram near the entranceway. Kurt’s eyebrows shot up, but he figured he probably didn’t want to know. His eyes then went to the satellite groups of friends hanging out along the edges of the room, the wall length bar on the opposite side of the room, and then to the mass of writhing bodies that was the dance floor. Finally, his eyes landed on Blaine’s, who was staring at Kurt, no doubt seeing how he was taking all the sudden noise and movement.

Kurt gave Blaine a small smile and Blaine leaned into Kurt’s ear so he could be heard. “You want to get a drink?” 

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “And how do you figure we’ll do that?” he replied loudly.

Blaine shrugged his shoulders, sending Kurt a cryptic smile. “Do you want one or not?”

Kurt nodded. He was definitely going to need a drink before he was ready to enter the sweaty, dense mass of bodies on the dance floor. Still holding Kurt’s hand, Blaine led him through the crowded room. Kurt felt someone pinch his ass. He turned around to glare at whoever had done it, but no one was looking at him and there were far too many people to tell who it had been. He just inched closer to Blaine, nearly pressing himself against his friend’s back to keep them from getting separated.

A few minutes later they finally made it to the bar. Kurt looked over his shoulder and couldn’t believe they had made it through so many people at all. “What do you want?” Blaine asked, turning to look at Kurt.

Their faces were extremely close, and Kurt blushed. His go-to drink was a Shirley Temple, which obviously wouldn’t work. “I have no idea,” he said sheepishly.

Blaine looked at Kurt thoughtfully. His eyes rested on Kurt’s parted lips for a second, and then he smiled. “I’ve got you covered,” he said.

He turned back to the bar, waiting patiently for the bartender to get to them. About five minutes later, an exhausted looking twenty-something guy came up to them. “Hey, man, the usual?” the guy asked Blaine.

“Yeah,” Blaine shouted. “And a Cherry Bomb for my friend.” The bartender nodded, turning to get busy making their drinks. Kurt reached for his wallet, but Blaine stopped him. “I’ve got it,” he said, pulling out his own wallet.

“You don’t have to buy my drinks."

“You can get the next round,” Blaine replied, sliding a few bills out of his wallet.

“Fine,” Kurt said, pocketing his wallet.

The bartender returned with their drinks and Blaine released Kurt’s hand to pay their bill and grab them. “Don’t take drinks from anyone but me or the bartender, okay?” Blaine said, handing Kurt his drink.

“As if I would take a drink from a random stranger,” Kurt answered before sipping his drink. “Oh my god! This is delicious.” Kurt took a bigger sip, relishing the flavor. There was a burning sensation as he swallowed, but as the name suggested, the cherry flavor felt like it was exploding in his mouth.

Blaine laughed. “I didn’t know it was possible for a human being to like cherries as much as you do.” He headed toward the wall on the side of the bar and Kurt followed close behind, sipping his drink again. Okay, maybe he would have to give alcohol more of a chance. He had no idea it could taste so freaking  _ good. _

They settled into an area with a little room around them on all sides. Blaine leaned against the wall and Kurt faced him with his back to the dance floor. “What did you get?” Kurt asked, looking at Blaine’s dark colored drink.

“A Bacardi and Coke. Want to try it?” He held his glass out for Kurt to inspect.

“Sure,” Kurt replied, shrugging. He took a swallow from Blaine’s drink and immediately started spluttering and coughing. His throat felt like it was on fire. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaimed. “That’s disgusting! It tastes like carbonated perfume. How can you stand that?”

Blaine laughed. “It’s not that bad!”

“I’ll stick with my Cherry Deliciousness, thank you very much,” Kurt replied, taking a large swallow from his drink to get the taste of Blaine’s out of his mouth. The contrast made it seem almost like tasting it again for the first time.

Kurt began bobbing to the music. He didn’t much care for extremely loud music generally, but there was something about being in a club that made it seem right. It could’ve also had something to do with how much everyone else was enjoying it. 

_ Oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah _ __  
_ I get a feeling that I never, never, never, never had before, no no _ _  
_ _ I get a good feeling, yeah_

Kurt remembered Blaine’s comment about clubs from a couple weeks ago and thought it was actually pretty spot on. He looked around and saw that people for the most part were just enjoying themselves.  There weren’t nearly as many vomiting, obnoxious, drunk people as he assumed there would be.

“So, what do you think?” Blaine asked, noticing Kurt’s survey of the people near them.

Kurt shrugged. “It’s actually okay,” he replied. 

He took another sip of his drink. The last sip, in fact. He had finished his drink that quickly? Kurt mentally took stock of how he was feeling. He felt a little warm, kind of like being wrapped in a blanket on a cold Christmas morning. There was a feeling in the pit of his stomach, kind of bubbly. He was pretty sure it was what happiness felt like. 

He smiled to himself. He might have to take up this drinking thing.

“Do you want another?” Blaine asked. 

Kurt nodded vigorously. “Yes, please.”

Blaine snickered, downed his drink and grabbed Kurt’s empty glass. “Wait right here, okay? Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

“Wait!” Kurt said, reaching for his wallet. “It’s my turn to pay.”

Blaine smirked at him and ducked in front of a big group of people before Kurt could take any money out. “Dammit, Blaine Anderson!” Kurt called. His voice was swallowed up by the loud bass coming from the speakers above his head. Was Blaine seriously not going to let him pay for anything? Kurt decided he’d have to find a way to slip some money into Blaine’s pocket before the night was up. It wouldn’t be an easy feat, though. Blaine’s pants were extraordinarily tight.

Friends or not, as Blaine walked away Kurt couldn’t keep his mind or his eyes off of Blaine’s –

“Nice ass!”

Startled, Kurt turned to see a guy leering at him. He was attractive, Kurt supposed, but he really wasn’t Kurt’s type.

“Um, thanks,” Kurt replied shortly.

“Wanna dance?” the guy asked. The way he was looking at Kurt made him feel naked. A mixture of anger, alcohol, and discomfort had heat rise to his cheeks.

“No, thank you,” Kurt replied. He crossed his arms across his chest. “I’m here with someone.” He actually didn’t know if that was technically true. He and Blaine had come together, obviously, but were they  _ here _ together? Would Blaine be dancing with other guys? Would he dance with Kurt? Should Kurt dance with other guys?

Kurt didn’t know the answers to any of those questions, but he did know he didn’t want some random guy grinding up against him, and anyway, Blaine had told him to stay right there.

“Well, he’s crazy to leave you alone. If you were mine, I wouldn’t let you out of my sight for a second.” The guy moved in closer to Kurt, who took a step back. He was smiling in a way that Kurt was sure he thought was sexy but that Kurt just found disturbing. There was nothing he hated more than a pushy guy.

Glaring at the guy, he retorted, “I don’t belong to anyone, least of all you. Now, if you’d be so kind as to get out of my face, that’d be great.”

Kurt was hoping that if he were rude enough, the guy would get bored and walk away, but apparently being resistant only made the guy even more interested.  _ What a creeper _ , Kurt thought.

“Oh, I see. You’re playing hard to get. C’mon, baby. We both know how this is going to end. You’re going to pretend you don’t want me so you can keep your dignity intact, but eventually you’re going to give in and come home with me so I can fuck that sweet ass of –”

“Is there a problem?” Kurt heard from behind the guy. Recognizing Blaine’s voice, Kurt glanced over the guy’s shoulder with a relieved look. He was only relieved for a second, though, because when he caught sight of Blaine’s livid face, the tension in his body went up a notch. He really didn’t want any drama tonight. He just wanted to dance and drink and have a good time.

The guy gave Kurt a final slow once over before turning to look at Blaine. The guy easily had six inches on Blaine, but the look on Blaine’s face was terrifying even to Kurt, and it wasn’t directed at him. “Nah, man. There’s no problem,” he said.

The guy walked away, and Blaine glared at him until he disappeared into the crowd. He turned back to Kurt and Kurt saw his body become less tense as he forced a smile. “Dammit, Kurt, I can’t take you anywhere.”

Kurt reached for the drink Blaine had brought him. “Oh, so it’s my fault some sleazy guy came over and hit on me?” Kurt took a giant gulp from his drink, consuming nearly half of it in one swallow. The incident with Creepy Drunk Guy had sobered him up considerably, and he was chasing that happy feeling he’d had before.

Blaine shrugged. “Well, you  _ did _ decide to wear those pants.”

Kurt looked down at his pants. They were one of his favorite pairs, maroon Ralph Lauren skinny jeans. Granted, they were also one of his tightest pairs of pants. “What’s wrong with my pants?”

Blaine laughed. “Nothing. C’mon let’s dance.”

Kurt finished the rest of his drink, put his empty glass on a nearby table and grabbed Blaine’s hand.

“Yes, let’s.”

*~*

Sweat poured down Blaine’s face as he danced pressed so close to Kurt he was surprised they hadn’t fused into one person.

They had been dancing for hours, and Blaine thought it was safe to say that Kurt was drunk. Kurt had Blaine revisiting the bar pretty often, drinking Cherry Bombs like they were going out of style. When Blaine tried to make Kurt pace himself, Kurt threatened to get a random guy to buy him a drink if Blaine wouldn’t.

By the looks Kurt was getting from guys all night, Blaine was pretty sure he wouldn’t have very much trouble.

So for Blaine’s sanity and Kurt’s safety, Blaine honored Kurt’s requests for drinks, but when Kurt wasn’t paying attention, Blaine made sure to have the bartender make Kurt’s drinks light. Still, Kurt wasn’t accustomed to drinking at all, much less hard liquor and it wasn’t long until he was pretty wasted.

He wasn’t throwing up or anything, but he was dancing with total abandon. Blaine had never seen Kurt so carefree. He himself had stopped after about three drinks, but he still felt utterly intoxicated. The music, the people, the flashing lights, and  _ Kurt. _ Kurt everywhere. In his pores, on his clothes, grinding against his hips.

Ever since Kurt had come out of Blaine’s room in those damn maroon pants, Blaine had wanted to rip them off of him. Now, with Kurt’s ass pressed against Blaine’s half-hard cock, he was fearful for the state of  _ both _ of their pants. And he’d be damned if they didn’t keep playing songs that made Blaine want to bend Kurt over and fuck him right there on the dance floor.

_ 'Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it _ __  
_ Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it _ __  
_ Sticks and stones may break my bones _ _  
_ _ But chains and whips excite me _

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, threading his hands through Blaine’s curls. Blaine saw a guy a few feet away scan his eyes up and down Kurt’s body, and Blaine pulled him closer possessively. He ran his hands from Kurt’s elbows down his sides, and then rested them on Kurt’s hips.

Kurt’s head was thrown back, resting on Blaine’s shoulder. His eyes were closed, but his face was full of bliss. Blaine’s eyes trained onto the exposed area of Kurt’s neck that was right by his lips. It took everything in Blaine not to latch on to Kurt’s neck and taste him. He watched as a single bead of sweat trailed from Kurt’s hairline down his neck and then stopped at his shirt. Blaine nearly groaned in frustration.

The only thing that kept Blaine in check when all he wanted more than anything in that moment was the taste of Kurt on his tongue was the thought that Kurt was indeed drunk. He knew he was treading a very fine line. He didn’t want to take advantage of his friend. 

No, he  _ refused _ to take advantage of Kurt, especially after what Kurt had told him earlier that day. Kurt was drunk and Blaine wasn’t, and Blaine was going to take care of Kurt and make sure nothing happened that Kurt would regret in the morning.

The song shifted into another and Kurt laughed in delight at hearing the unique beat. “I love this song!” he shouted. Blaine couldn’t help but laugh with Kurt. He didn’t realize how tightly wound Kurt always was until he saw him like this, without worries or inhibitions.

_ When I walk in the spot, this is what I see _ __  
_ Everybody stops and they starin' at me _ _  
_ __ I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it

_ Show it, show it, show it _ _  
_ _ I'm sexy and I know it _

Kurt turned his head and Blaine felt Kurt’s breath as he panted in his ear. Blaine swallowed thickly, closing his eyes. Kurt’s hands were still wound in his hair and Blaine felt him tighten his grip. Almost on their own accord, Blaine’s hands tightened on Kurt’s hips and pulled him even closer. 

For a beat the club was silent, and then the song resumed. Holy fuck, Blaine had forgotten about the “wiggle, wiggle” part. Every time the song said “wiggle,” Kurt followed its command, shimmying his hips and rubbing his ass on Blaine’s now completely hard cock. Blaine moaned and his eyes rolled in the back of his head. He was about two seconds from completely ruining his pants and embarrassing the hell out of himself.

After the second set of “wiggles,” Blaine made what was possibly the most difficult decision of his life. He reached his arms around his neck, grabbed Kurt’s hands and detached Kurt from himself, thrusting Kurt away from him.

Kurt looked shocked. The lust and alcohol were no doubt making his head swim. Blaine could see through his glassy stare as Kurt tried his hardest to fight the intoxication and make sense of his surroundings. “What’s wrong?” Blaine saw Kurt mouth. They were in the loudest part of the club and even shouting as Kurt had probably done, Blaine couldn’t hear him.

Blaine took a deep, calming breath to try and lower his heart rate and clear his head. He stuck his hand out and Kurt grabbed it without a shred of hesitation. Kurt’s unyielding trust in Blaine made shame wash through him. _It was just dancing,_ Blaine chided himself.

When they had gotten to the edge of the dance floor – Kurt stumbling drunkenly along behind Blaine making the process that much more difficult – Blaine offered Kurt an explanation for why he’d pushed him away so suddenly. “Let’s get some air,” he said.

Kurt nodded willingly and he and Blaine pulled him to the front of the club and out the front door. He waved to Jerry as they passed and Kurt called, “Hey, Jerry!”

Jerry nodded his head, shooting Blaine a knowing smile. Guilt washed through Blaine again. Jerry had seen Blaine stagger drunkenly from the Shelter many times with guys attached to his mouth, but…this was  _ Kurt _ .

The cold night air had Blaine feeling the ache in groin slowly alleviate, but it did nothing for the ache in his chest.

“God, I love New York City!” Kurt screamed suddenly at the top of his lungs. Kurt spun around, twirling his arms. Despite himself, Blaine laughed and caught Kurt before he spun into traffic.

Blaine tried to keep a hold on Kurt so he couldn’t stumble away and simultaneously hail a cab. Kurt began singing quite loudly.

_Start spreading the news_   
_I'm leaving today_ __  
_I want to be a part of it_ _  
__New York, New York_

A few of the people waiting in line for the club were laughing and cheering at Kurt’s impromptu performance. A cab stopped in front of the curb, and a thankful Blaine wrenched open the door quickly. 

“Come on, Sinatra. Into the cab you go.” He grabbed Kurt around his waist and pulled him toward the open door.

“We’re leaving?” Kurt asked, tone full of disappointment. 

“I’m afraid so,” Blaine replied, chuckling. He put his hand on the top of Kurt’s head to make sure he didn’t bump it as he climbed into the backseat.

“Well, where are we going?” Kurt pouted.

Blaine climbed in after him, closing the door behind himself.  _ Where  _ are _ we going?  _ Blaine thought. Taking Kurt home would mean going all the way out to Brooklyn and then coming back to Manhattan. It would also mean busting in on Rachel with a very drunk Kurt at – Blaine checked his watch – two in the morning.

Blaine made a quick decision and gave the cab driver his own address. Kurt had clothes at his apartment and he could just give Kurt his bed and he’d sleep on the couch.

“We’re going to your apartment?” Kurt flopped down on the seat with his head in Blaine’s lap.

Blaine caught a glimpse of the cab driver’s eyes widen comically in the rearview mirror and laughed. “Yep,” he replied. “We’re going to have a sleepover.”

“Can we do each other’s hair and have a pillow fight and talk about boys?” Kurt said, giggling. “That’s what Rachel, Mercedes, and I always did at our sleepovers.”

“Sure, Kurt, whatever you want.” Blaine smoothed Kurt’s hair adoringly, something he knew Kurt would  _ never _ allow if he weren’t so plastered.

Kurt closed his eyes and hummed softly. “Blaine?”

“Yes?” Blaine was suddenly worried Kurt would bring up or say something personal. Blaine had pretty much reached his limit on what he could handle for the day.

“Will you sing for me?”

Feeling relieved, Blaine began to softly sing the first thing that came to his mind.

_ I want to wake up in a city  _ __  
_ That doesn't sleep  _ __  
_ And find I'm king of the hill  _ _  
_ _ Top of the heap_

Blaine couldn’t remember the rest of the words. He wracked his mind and finally one other verse stood out to him. He sang it softly to Kurt even though he wasn’t sure he was still even awake.

_ My little town blues  _ __  
_ They are melting away  _ __  
_ I gonna make a brand new start of it  _ _  
_ _ In old New York_

*~*

Kurt rolled over and groaned into his pillow. He felt like someone was jackhammering into his skull. His stomach rolled and thought his was going to throw up all over his bed.

He thought he might have a stomach virus. He peeked open one of his eyes and judged by the light that it was relatively early in the morning. He cursed his stupid body for never letting him sleep past eight.

He closed his eye and tried to will himself back to sleep when his brain finally processed that he wasn’t in his own bed. His eyes shot open and he looked around, immediately recognizing Blaine’s room.

Memories from the night before came flooding into his mind. Going to the club, the burly bouncer, drinking, drinking, and drinking some more, and, oh god. Dancing. He had danced with Blaine like he was in a freaking Jay Z video. Heat flooded his cheeks and he groaned aloud again.

Kurt felt movement on his left and he immediately shot into a sitting position. His blood ran cold. He could see dark curls and Blaine’s naked back. For some reason he thought he’d been alone in Blaine’s bed. His mind reeled as he tried to think of the last thing he remembered from the night before.

Leaving the club, singing “New York, New York” loudly and off-key, getting into the cab with Blaine, and then…nothing. Complete blackness. 

He lifted the covers gently and took stock of his clothing – a dark blue Dalton Academy t-shirt and pajama pants that came just above his ankles.

Kurt had no idea what to think. He was in Blaine’s apartment, in Blaine’s bed, wearing Blaine’s clothes. He knew Blaine would never intentionally… but they had both been drinking, and Kurt drank  _ so  _ much.

He took survey of himself, his body, but nothing felt different. Of course, he wouldn’t really unless they had done, well,  _ everything. _

Kurt thought he might hyperventilate. He got out of bed as quickly as possible, nearly ran across Blaine’s room to the bathroom, and slammed the door behind him.

Leaning on the counter, Kurt stared at his wide-eyed reflection. His heart was hammering in his chest as he took note of his disheveled appearance and bloodshot eyes.

He couldn’t have slept with Blaine last night, he just  _ couldn’t  _ have. Blaine was already one of Kurt’s best friends in the whole world, a very close second to Rachel and more than even Mercedes and Tina, who he hadn’t see in forever.

And after everything Kurt told Blaine the night before…

They couldn’t have messed all that up with one stupid drunken night. Kurt was furious with himself. He knew there was a reason he didn’t drink. He’d only ever had negative experiences with it. He clenched his eyes shut, willing the ache in his chest to go away.

A soft knock on the door made him start. “Kurt?” Blaine asked softly through the door.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Kurt croaked out, “Yeah?”

“Do you– Are you feeling sick? Is there anything I can get you?” Blaine’s voice was rough with sleep. Kurt thought that he must have woken him when he slammed the door.

Kurt didn’t know how to answer. Yes, he felt sick, but not for the reasons Blaine thought.

“No, I’m fine,” Kurt answered thickly.

“Okay, well, I’m going to go make us some coffee. Just…let me know if you need anything.” Kurt tried desperately to find any hidden meaning behind Blaine’s words, but he couldn’t. Blaine sounded concerned, but not guilty. Of course, it was possible that Blaine didn’t remember what they had done. 

If _ they had done anything, _ Kurt reminded himself.

A darker, more cynical voice in Kurt’s head whispered that perhaps Blaine did know and still wouldn’t feel guilty at making Kurt just another notch in his belt, but he buried it quickly. Blaine would never treat him like that.

Kurt’s mind went back to a night weeks ago, a memory of Rachel.  _ "He would be different with you. He would never…”  _ He found comfort in the thought. For once, Rachel was right. Blaine cared about him, he knew that much.

Still, as Kurt turned around abruptly and twisted the knobs in Blaine’s shower, that dark little voice plagued him, niggling away at his certainty until it was riddled with doubt.

_ I’m such a idiot, _ Kurt thought.

*~*

Blaine turned, two steaming mugs of coffee in his hand, to see Kurt emerge from his bedroom, fully dressed and freshly showered.

“Perfect timing,” he said with a smile, holding Kurt’s cup out for him.

“Thanks,” Kurt replied softly, crossing to the kitchen to accept the proffered mug.

Blaine watched as Kurt took a sip and seemed to somewhat visibly relax. “So, last night was fun, huh?” He offered Kurt a teasing grin, but Kurt immediately widened his eyes. Blaine could see absolute panic in his friend’s eyes. “What’s the matter?” he asked quickly.

Blaine furrowed his brow as he watched a blush creep up along Kurt’s cheeks. Was Kurt embarrassed by how he’d acted the night before? He seemed like he was enjoying himself, but maybe he regretted the night out now, looking back on it.

“I just– I– Um…” Kurt stammered. “Did…” Kurt stared deeply into his cup of coffee like it held all the answers to the universe. “Did anything happen last night?” Kurt finally spat out after a second. Kurt had spoken so quickly that it took Blaine’s brain a second to catch up to his words.

His mind went straight to the dancing. His hands on Kurt, Kurt pressed against him, wanting to press his mouth against Kurt’s skin. Was that what Kurt was referring too, or was it something…more? Exactly how much did Kurt remember from the night before?

“What do you mean, exactly?” Blaine finally asked.

Kurt’s eyes shot up to Blaine’s for a quick second before returning to his drink. Kurt’s face turned even more red, a feat Blaine didn’t think possible. “I mean…did we” – Kurt cleared his throat – “you know.”

The puzzle pieces snapped together in Blaine’s mind. Obviously, Kurt didn’t remember much at all. “Kurt, are you asking if we had  _ sex _ ?” The look of pure misery on Kurt’s face told Blaine all he needed to know. “Of _course_ not. Jesus. I didn’t even really drink very much to make sure you stayed safe. I would  _ never." _

Kurt’s shoulders sagged as relief cleared up his stormy expression. Kurt looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Blaine didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that Kurt would think so poorly of Blaine that he would take advantage of Kurt when he was in a vulnerable position or the look of pure, unadulterated relief at the confirmation that they hadn’t done anything.

The latter won out, slicing through Blaine’s chest like a knife. “Is the thought of sex with me that repugnant?” he asked, hurt coloring his tone.

Kurt finally looked into Blaine’s eyes. “Of course not. That’s not it at all,” he said quickly. “I just would never want anything to come between us, Blaine. You’re my best friend.”

Blaine softened at Kurt’s reply, even as the word “friend” hit him like a physical blow. “You’re mine, too,” he said.

“I’m sorry if I offended you,” Kurt said. “I never meant to imply that you would take advantage of me. I just wasn’t sure how much you drank or…” he trailed off.

“I would never hurt you, Kurt. I hope you know that.”

“Yeah,” he replied, smiling. “I do.”

*~*

“Kurt, where the _ hell _ have you been?”

Kurt started, backing into the door he’d just closed behind him. He clutched his chest to try and soothe his pounding heart. “Jesus Christ, Rachel! You scared the crap out of me!”

Rachel had crossed the room and was standing in front of Kurt, her hands on her hips and glaring.  _ “I  _ scared  _ you?  _ You were supposed to be home, oh, I don’t know,  _ sixteen hours ago. _ You didn’t call or text me or anything! I thought you were lying in a ditch somewhere! I almost called the cops!”

Looking down at the floor, Kurt crossed his arms in front of him. “Would you cut the dramatics, Rachel? Goodness. What are you, my mother?” Kurt felt really guilty. He knew if the roles were reversed, he would be beyond pissed if Rachel didn’t come home and forgot to call him. They didn’t do that. Ever.

_ “Kurt.” _ Rachel was quickly moving from furious to deeply hurt and it was making Kurt feel even worse.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” he backpedaled. “You’re right. I should have called.” He leaned forward and captured Rachel’s smaller frame in an embrace.

Rachel sniffled softly, swallowing her emotional outburst. “What happened?” she asked, releasing him.

Kurt crossed to the kitchen and opened the fridge to inspect its offerings. “Nothing happened. I just stayed the night at Blaine’s.” Kurt attempted to appear casual. 

“Yeah, I know. I also know you got completely wasted at a club last night. Because Blaine answers my texts unlike someone else I know.” He’d checked his phone when he’d gotten out of the shower at Blaine’s that morning, and he had indeed had a slew of calls and texts from Rachel that he’d been too drunk to respond to the night before.

“Hold on a second,” he said, straightening. The judgmental look on Rachel’s face told him all he needed to know about what Rachel thought of his night out. He decided to ignore her comment about it and hope she wouldn’t press. “You just bitched me out for not letting you know where I was when Blaine told you?”

“Yeah, Kurt, because I shouldn’t have to rely on someone else to tell me what’s going on with my best friend.”

Kurt closed the fridge door and sighed. “I know, okay? I said I was sorry. I wasn’t exactly in my right state of mind last night.”

“Yeah, okay, and what’s up with that? You’re going out to clubs and drinking now? That doesn’t sound like you.” 

Kurt closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. The coffee and Aspirin he’d had at Blaine’s had made his headache recede, but Rachel’s constant nattering was bringing on a repeat performance. “Going out once hardly counts as the formation of a lifestyle change. I just wanted to see what it was all about.”

Rachel was uncharacteristically slow to reply. “And?” she said in a somewhat small voice. “How was it?”

Kurt opened his eyes to really look at Rachel. He saw past the confident, worldly New York City Girl façade she was constantly projecting to the virginal, uptight girl from Lima, Ohio, that she was always trying but never quite managing to escape.

He softened as Rachel glanced at the floor and then back up at Kurt. “It was…” 

Kurt thought back to the night before. Drinking so much he could certainly do without. Ditto to getting hit on by random creepers. But…the dancing. Dancing with Blaine would have made even the most terrible night a good one. Pressed up so close against him. The kind of dancing they were doing was  _ obscene. _ Kurt felt his face flush unexpectedly. 

“Interesting,” he finally completed his thought. “It was definitely interesting. Though I do regret drinking so much.” Kurt grimaced. “I swear I have never once had a positive experience with drinking liquor.”

“You overdo it,” Rachel said offhand. “But, so how was sleeping over at Blaine’s? Did you sleep on the couch or…?” Rachel raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“No, we both slept in the bed, but it was completely innocent. We only slept.” 

“Well, that’s no fun,” Rachel pouted. She picked up a potholder off the counter and threw it at Kurt.

Anger flashed through Kurt. He glared at Rachel and said, “Sorry to disappoint you. Next time I’ll make sure to lose my virginity during a drunken one night stand. Would that be enough ‘fun’ for you?”

Rachel threw her hands in the air. “Kurt, would you stop  _ attacking  _ me? You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Rachel turned around and stomped out of the kitchen and into the living room. She flopped down on the couch and crossed her arms over her chest.

Kurt swore softly and went and sat beside her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Blaine’s just…kind of a sensitive subject for me right now.”

“Because you care about him,” Rachel said matter-of-factly. Kurt nodded. He couldn’t deny that. “He cares about you, too, you know. Everybody can see it.”

“I’m afraid he might,” Kurt said softly. After his major freak out that morning, Kurt had decided to stop lying to himself about his and Blaine’s relationship. There was obviously something there.

Rachel leaned her head on her hand. “Stop being afraid and just  _ be _ with him, Kurt. He makes you so happy.”

“You know why I can’t do that, Rachel.”

“You’re so convinced he’s going to hurt you. You don’t think people can be better? You don’t think Blaine would be better for you if you’d just give him the chance?”

“You would understand if you could just see how he is with guys,” Kurt said sadly, crossing his arms over his chest. “He’s been sleeping around since he was sixteen. I can’t even comprehend the number of guys he’s probably slept with. I’m never going to be enough for him, and I can’t–” Kurt’s voice broke. “I can’t lose him.”

“Well, what are you going to do, Kurt? How long do you think you guys can really go on like this?”

Kurt shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Hopefully forever.


	10. Some Things Are Meant to Be

Strumming his guitar, Blaine tried to think about something other than the only thing that had been on his mind lately: Kurt.

His brow furrowed as, lost in thought, he missed a chord change.

Things had been a little weird between them for the last few weeks ever since their night out at the club. Kurt refused to talk anymore about Karofsky and Blaine wasn’t going to push him, so they were at a bit of an impasse.

Though there hadn’t been anymore drunken nights, Kurt had been acting differently, not entirely himself. His usually ever-cheerful demeanor had been supplanted by a standoffish and surly one and even his performances for their class weren’t as good as they usually were. Blaine was starting to get really worried.

When he tried to bring any of it up to Kurt, he just blew Blaine off, telling him he wasn’t feeling well or hadn’t slept well the night before. Blaine had even gone so far as to ask Rachel what Kurt’s deal was, but she just shrugged and said, “It’s probably just the pressure of school getting to him. When Kurt gets stressed, he gets kind of distant. I’m sure it’s nothing too big.”

But Blaine had sensed that she’d wanted to say more.

Frustrated, Blaine strummed his guitar more forcefully. Blaine was having a dilemma himself. He had been standing on the edge of a precipice, ready to plunge but terrified of the fall.

He wanted to be with Kurt. He knew that now, knew it with wholehearted certainty. Ever since Kurt had told him about Karofsky and he had held Kurt in his arms, he knew he never wanted to let him go.

Blaine also hadn’t had meaningless sex with anyone in over a month and he hadn’t wanted to. Just the thought of being with anyone but Kurt in that way made him feel sick.

What Blaine wasn’t sure of was how Kurt felt about him. He knew Kurt trusted and cared about him, that much was obvious. Blaine was closer to Kurt than he had ever let any guy get. It was also pretty obvious that Kurt was attracted to him. Blaine hadn’t missed Kurt eyeing him when he thought Blaine wasn’t looking.

So, they were best friends who were attracted to each other. Wasn’t that what boyfriends were?

There was something else, Blaine knew. The heat, the passion, the spark, whatever you wanted to call it. Whatever it was, it was there. Blaine felt it when he looked too long into Kurt’s eyes. He felt like he was drowning and floating at the same time.

So the question was what to do about it. Leave it and let Kurt make the decision? Or risk their friendship by making it clear to Kurt that he wanted more?

Blaine’s mind travelled back to class the day before. “This week, we’re talking about  _ looove _ ,” Gates had said. “I always like to start the semester off with the hard stuff, the grief, sadness, death, heartbreak. I find that students usually find those types of songs easier to emote through, because negative feelings have a tendency to stay with us much more heavily than positive ones. Happiness is more of an ever-fluctuating state and less of a singular event that we can pinpoint. A lot of people don’t even realize they were happy until they suddenly aren’t. But now it’s time to get to the good stuff, starting with the big ‘L’ word. We’re focusing specifically on romantic love this week because of its predominant presence in musical theater...”

Blaine strummed his guitar fiercely, letting out a jarring sound. He sat his guitar on the couch next to him and jumped up, pulling his phone out of his pocket and checking the time. Kurt would be over so they could hang out help each other with the assignment in a little over three hours.

_ It’s now or never _ , Blaine thought.

*~*

When Kurt got to Blaine’s door, he could hear the sound of his piano softly from the other side. He knocked and the music stopped abruptly. “Come in!” Blaine called.

Kurt raised his eyebrows. Blaine usually kept the door locked. Shrugging, he turned the knob experimentally and the door opened. Slowly, he entered Blaine’s apartment.

Blaine was sitting on his piano bench staring at Kurt intently.

“Hey,” Kurt said awkwardly. He gestured toward Blaine. “Did you start practicing your song already? I thought we were going to help each other pick.”

Blaine crossed the room in a few quick strides and grabbed Kurt’s hand. “Yeah, sorry. I already picked mine.” Blaine pulled Kurt towards his piano. “Come listen, okay?”

“Alright...” Blaine slid onto the seat and pulled Kurt with him. “Blaine, are you okay? You’re acting really weird.”

“I’m fine,” Blaine looked up at into Kurt’s eyes and Kurt saw sheer terror  reflected back at him. Kurt immediately became apprehensive.

“Blaine–”

“Just…listen.  _ Really  _ listen, okay?”

Kurt nodded, but his heart sank.  _ Oh no _ , he thought.

Taking a shaky breath, Blaine raised his hands above the ivory keys and without looking away from Kurt, he began to play.

_ Wise men say only fools rush in _ _  
_ _ But I can't help falling in love with you _

_ Oh my God _ , was all Kurt could think over and over again. Tears sprung to his eyes.

No one had ever sung to Kurt before, not like this. Nothing had ever made him feel more beautiful, more special, or more afraid.

_ Shall I stay _ __  
_ Would it be a sin _ _  
_ _ If I can't help falling in love with you_

Was Blaine– Did he mean– What did he mean? Surely he couldn’t mean that he was falling in love with Kurt. He tried to focus his mind so he could figure out what was happening, but as tears streamed down his face, soft musical tones and hazel were all Kurt could think of. He wanted to reach up and wipe them away, but he could only sit there in shock.

_ Like a river flows surely to the sea _ __  
_ Darling so it goes _ _  
_ _ Some things are meant to be_

_ Take my hand, take my whole life too _ _  
_ _ For I can't help falling in love with you _

Blaine’s fingers stopped and silence filled the room. Kurt sniffled softly.

“I think I’m falling in love with you, Kurt.”

Kurt’s mouth popped open but no words came out. Blaine eyes fell to Kurt’s lips. Blaine leaned forward and captured Kurt’s mouth abruptly. Kurt gasped as he felt Blaine’s hot, needy mouth pressed against his. His lips tingled where they touched Blaine’s, like an electric current was passing between them.

Kurt’s eyes slipped closed as he felt Blaine cup his face, just enjoying the sensation of Blaine, the way he smelled, tasted, felt. He was everywhere. Kurt reached his hand up and wound it into the short curls at the base of Blaine’s neck.

It was the most perfect first kiss.

Too soon, Blaine was pulling away to look up into Kurt’s wide eyes. He was smiling, but when he saw Kurt’s face, his smile fell.

“Kurt, please say something.”

Kurt slid off the bench quickly. He needed some space, some time to think. Blaine was about to change everything.

Facing away from Blaine, Kurt wrapped his arms around his midsection. His head was too cloudy. His body was warring with his mind. Part of him wanted to go back to Blaine and kiss him until everything was better, forever if that’s what it took. But an equally big and more frenzied part of him wanted to run out the door and not look back, to forget this had ever happened.

“Kurt?” More tears slid down Kurt’s cheeks as he heard the doubt and rejection in his friend’s voice. How could he hurt Blaine? Was that the choice, then? To hurt Blaine now or be hurt by him later?

Kurt felt Blaine’s hand on his shoulder and he tensed up. Blaine retract his hand immediately like he had been burned. “Please,” Blaine begged. “I need you to tell me what you’re feeling.”

“I-I can’t-I don’t know. I just…I need some time to think,” Kurt stammered.

Blaine walked around to stand in front of Kurt. “No, Kurt. I didn’t ask what you’re  _ thinking _ , I asked what you’re  _ feeling _ . Do you want to be with me?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is. I know what you’re thinking, okay, Kurt? But I promise you I will  _ never _ hurt you. I want you and only you. So it really is that simple. Do you want to be with me or don’t you?”

Kurt paused. He didn’t want to lie to Blaine, but he couldn’t tell him the truth either. “Please don’t do this, Blaine.” Kurt finally said softly, looking at the floor. “Can’t we just leave things the way they are?”

“Yeah, we can,” Blaine said, his voice hard. Kurt looked up to see his face a mask of hurt. “If you tell me you don’t want to be with me then we can leave things exactly the way they are.”

Kurt thought it over and over again. _ I don’t want to be with you. _ Just seven words and he could keep his friend and nothing would have to change. He could hear the words, could hear himself saying them, but when he opened his mouth what came out instead was, “I have to go.”

He moved past Blaine, quickly making his way to the door.

Blaine put his hand on Kurt’s shoulder again, stopping him. Kurt tensed up again, but this time Blaine didn’t move it.

“Kurt,  please don’t leave. We can figure this out. Please, just…stay.”

Kurt swallowed, clenching his eyes shut. “I can’t.” His voice broke.

The weight of Blaine’s hand was lifted and Kurt felt its absence like a missing tooth. He pulled the door open and walked out, closing it with a solid thunk behind him.


	11. What's a Fire and Why Does It Burn?

Blaine stared down into his coffee cup blankly. It had been nine days since Kurt had walked out of his apartment. Nine days since he’d talked to him at all.

Kurt wasn’t answering his phone calls or texts. He wouldn’t come to the door when Blaine went to his apartment, and refused to so much as look at Blaine during the three classes they’d had together.

Blaine had bombed his performance for Gates class on Friday, nearly bursting into tears as he sang “The Way You Look Tonight.” Really, it was just the first love song that came to his mind when his name was called. He hadn’t prepared anything and he knew there was no possible way he could get through “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”

Kurt sang “If I Loved You” from  _ Carousel _ , looking everywhere but at Blaine the entire time. By the end, many of the girls in the room were in tears. His performance was flawless and he captured the spirit of the song perfectly, though Gates had said it wasn’t quite as “love-positive” as he’d expected for the assignment.

Blaine let the lyrics go round and around in his head.

_ Longing to tell you but afraid and shy _ __  
_ I'd let my golden chances pass me by _ __  
_ Soon you'd leave me, off you would go _ __  
_ In the mist of the day, never, never to know _ _  
_ _ How I loved you, if I loved you_

Blaine tried to keep his anger and heartbreak at bay and look at their situation from Kurt’s perspective. Kurt was afraid, that much Blaine understood. Afraid of getting hurt, of giving parts of himself away, of being vulnerable.

But Kurt did want to be with Blaine. He had no doubt about it now. If he didn’t, Kurt would have said as much when Blaine gave him the chance.

He just had to find a way to make Kurt see that this could work. They could be amazing together.

“Blaine?” Blaine tore his eyes away from the peeling paper on the side of his coffee cup and tried to focus his bleary eyes on who had called his name. He hadn’t been sleeping much lately.

“Rachel, hey,” he said, eyes widening. He hadn’t expected Rachel to be the one speaking to him. He assumed she’d ignore him in solidarity for Kurt.

She frowned at him sympathetically. “You look like crap. Mind if I sit?”

“Thanks.” He smirked sadly and gestured to the seat across from him in permission.

She sat her own cup of coffee in front of her and reached out to grab Blaine’s hand. “How are you holding up?”

“About as well as can be expected,” he said, shrugging.

She squeezed his hand and then released it, pulling it back to her side of the table. “He’s miserable, too, you know.”

“Yeah, I do know, which makes everything all the more frustrating.” He ran his hand through his unkempt, slightly too-long curls. His emotions were a roller coaster lately. “I don’t understand why he won’t just give in and let us both be happy. He’s so fucking stubborn.”

“Yes, he is,” Rachel replied. “Stubborn and scared. You have to understand how it was for him back in Lima, Blaine. All the glee club kids got Slushied at some point or another, but no one got tormented like Kurt did. It was like every day a little piece of Kurt retreated inside himself until there was hardly anything there. It was horrible even to watch. We were all so powerless against the bullying, but no one felt that way more than Kurt did. He didn’t have anyone that could really understand what he was going through. This is just what he does when he’s afraid. He runs away.”

“I know he’s afraid, but I swear  I’m not going to hurt him, Rachel. I just want to be there for him.”

“I know,” she said, nodding. “I can see that you really care about him.”

“He won’t talk to me. What should I do?” he asked earnestly.

“Give him some time, Blaine. Stop calling him and trying to talk to him. He’ll come around.”

Blaine nodded sullenly. He had already come to that conclusion when Kurt hadn’t returned his twenty-third text, but it didn’t make it any easier hearing it from someone else.

“You’re coming to Kelsey’s Halloween party on Thursday, right?” Blaine had forgotten all about the holiday and Kelsey’s party. Kurt had been working on his costume for over a month. “Kurt’s going to be there, and…” she looked over her shoulder as if Kurt might be standing right behind her. Blaine had to stop himself from rolling his eyes at her antics. She lowered her voice. “Maybe you could bring someone with you.”

Blaine’s brow furrowed. “Like a date? I don’t really do dates and I’m not interested in anyone else…”

“No, no. I just meant, maybe if Kurt saw you with another guy, it would kind of force him to get over whatever thing he’s having and be with you.”

Blaine thought about it for a second. Maybe Rachel had a point. Looking back, he had seen that Kurt did have a jealous side, though he didn’t recognize it as jealousy at the time. But… it was risky.

“What if it doesn’t, though? What if he thinks I’ve gone back to sleeping around and doesn’t want anything to do with me?” He cast his eyes downward, closely inspecting his hands. “Being risky hasn’t exactly paid off for me lately.”

He glanced up to see Rachel looking at him sympathetically. “Blaine, this is the longest he’s gone without talking to you since you guys met. What else do you have to lose?”

_ Absolutely nothing, _ Blaine thought despondently. He had figured out the hard way that Kurt was his only real friend in New York, and without him, Blaine had no one. He had no one to talk to. All of his friends had known Kurt much longer, and Blaine hadn’t wanted to intrude on that. He was in one of the largest cities in the world, and Blaine felt entirely alone.

“I guess you’re right,” he said softly.

“Hey, come here.” Rachel stood up and pulled Blaine up into an embrace. He clutched onto her, burying his head in her thick, soft hair. “It’s going to be okay. Trust me. It’s going to work out. Just show up to that party and completely ignore him. It is going to drive him crazy.”

Blaine nodded into her shoulder and she pulled away but didn’t let him go completely. “Thank you so much, Rachel. You have no idea…”

Rachel smiled at him affectionately. “Get this through your thick head, Blaine Warbler. I’ve loved Kurt longer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, too. We’re friends and whatever happens between you and Kurt doesn’t change that. Kelsey, Jane, everyone feels that way. You got that?”

His throat constricted. He really did love this tiny, fierce, brilliant little woman in his arms. He gave her a watery smile and nodded.

“Okay,” she replied, finally releasing him completely. “You’re going to call me if you need someone to talk to or just anything, right?”

“Yes,” he said, blinking rapidly.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

*~*

Blaine knocked on the door to apartment 36C. “Coming!” he heard shouted through the door. He pulled his phone out of his baggy pants pocket and checked the time to keep his shaky hands busy. He realized after he’d put his phone back in his pocket that he hadn’t even registered what time it was.

The door finally opened and Blaine’s jaw dropped. “Kenneth,” was all he could say.

“You like?” The tall blond guy spun around so Blaine could admire his costume.

Blaine’s mouth just gaped open. He really had no idea what to say. Kenneth was wearing very,  _ very _ short red track shorts held up with yellow suspenders, and unbuttoned black shirt, white gloves, and to top it off, round black mouse ears on his head.

“Well?” Kenneth asked impatiently, raising his eyebrows and placing his hands on his hips.

“It’s– I mean–” Blaine stammered.

“I told you, baby. You look fucking sexy.” Jon, Kenneth’s boyfriend came up behind him, wrapping his arms around the blond guy and kissing his neck briefly before looking over Blaine. “Right, Blaine?”

“You look great,” Blaine replied nodding. “It’s just I don’t think your particular rendition is exactly what Kelsey had in mind when she said ‘Disney themed.'”

“Blaine Anderson. This is my artistic interpretation of Mickey Mouse. No one ever said it had to be an exact replica. I mean,  God _. _ ” Kenneth rolled his eyes. “It’s Halloween. Lighten up, would you?”

Blaine laughed, throwing up his hands in surrender. “Alright, it’s fine by me. You really do look amazing.”

“And your costume looks boringly realistic,” Kenneth said, eyeing Blaine up and down. “But it will suffice.”

Blaine chuckled again. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“I’m ready if you are,” Kenneth said.

“You’re not going to grab a jacket?” Blaine asked incredulously. It wasn’t an especially cold October evening, but it was certainly too cold to go out in the nothing Kenneth was wearing.

Kenneth rolled his eyes again. “Jesus, what are you, my mother? And how exactly do you expect to make your guy jealous if I’m dressed like a Mormon, Blaine?”

“Fair enough,” Blaine said holding out his arm. “Shall we?”

“We shall.” Kenneth turned around in his boyfriend’s arms and kissed him deeply. A pang went through Blaine’s chest. “Bye, baby,” Kenneth said. “Have fun at work.”

Jon pouted. “I’d rather have fun with you.”

Kenneth laughed, detaching himself from Jon. “I’ll keep my costume on so you can take it off me when you get home.”

“Deal,” Jon said, smiling. Kenneth took Blaine’s outstretched arm. “Take care of my boy tonight, Blainey.”

“Will do,” Blaine replied, smiling.

The boys began walking down the hall. “Love you!” Jon called.

“Love you more!” Kenneth replied over his shoulder. They stepped into the elevator and Blaine heard the door close softly behind them.

*~*

Kelsey didn’t live too far from Kenneth and Jon’s place. It was close enough to walk, but not close enough to keep Kenneth from shivering by the time they got to her apartment complex.

Blaine would have offered Kenneth his jacket but he wasn’t wearing one. As they made their way up in the elevator, Kenneth was rubbing his bare arms trying to generate some warmth. Blaine smirked and gave him an I-Told-You-So look. “Shut up,” Kenneth said, glaring.

“I didn’t say anything.” Blaine shrugged.

The elevator door dinged and they walked to Kelsey’s apartment door. Before Blaine even knocked, he could hear a dance mix version of a Disney song piping through the door.

_ I wanna be where the people are _ __  
_ I wanna see, wanna see them dancin' _ __  
_ Walking around on those - what do you call 'em? _ _  
_ _ Oh - feet!_

Blaine tried to will himself to reach out and knock on the door, but he couldn’t. His hands were shaking. Kurt was likely on the other side of that door and Blaine was here with some other guy. They weren’t together obviously, but Kurt didn’t know that. In fact, the whole point of being there was to make Kurt think they  _ were _ together.

This was going to backfire, he just knew it. He felt ridiculous is his Aladdin costume all of a sudden. He wished he had picked something that at least required a shirt. He felt so vulnerable.

“Blaine? Are you going to knock or what?” Kenneth asked.

“This isn’t going to work,” Blaine said in a rush, looking up at Kenneth with panic filled eyes.

Kenneth’s eyes softened. “Yes, it is. Do you think this guy’s really into you?”

Blaine nodded. “I know he really cares about me. He’s just so afraid to be with me.”

“Then, it’s going to work. He’s going to see my sexy ass on your arm and probably bitch slap me. I’m putting my beautiful face on the line for you tonight, Anderson.” Blaine laughed softly. “Besides, you know,  _ if _ it doesn’t work, then you should maybe cut your losses. You deserve someone who’s going to appreciate you.”

Blaine nodded in agreement, but he didn’t mean it. The idea that he deserved someone better than Kurt was laughable. Kurt was the best there was.

Blaine took a shaky breath. They really needed to go in before someone else arrived and saw them loitering at the door. “Okay, I’m ready,” he said.

He reached out his hand and knocked three times.

*~*

Kurt stood in the corner of Kelsey’s living room, nursing a glass of lemonade and watching the thirty or so other costumed guests mill around her medium sized apartment. Rachel as Belle was talking to a John Smith Alec across the room. Kurt snorted. It was pretty telling that she and Alec weren’t part of the same fairytale. Everyone but apparently Rachel knew that she was going to end up with Finn.

Music piped loudly from the speakers in the living room, playing techno dance versions of Disney songs. Kurt had to wonder at Kelsey’s ingenuity. How did she find this stuff?

_ Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far _ __  
_ Legs are required for jumping, dancing _ __  
_ Strolling along down a - what's that word again? _ _  
_ _ Street_

Kurt spotted Kelsey walking towards the door, presumably to let in more guests. He had been eyeing the door fastidiously all night, waiting for him to come in. Rachel had said he was coming. Of course, she hadn’t told him until they were walking here and it was pretty much too late to turn around.

Kurt supposed he could have gone home, but he had worked really hard on his costume and he’d be damned if it was going to go to waste while he sat at home alone feeling miserable on Halloween night. Besides, if he was honest with himself, Kurt knew Kelsey was both of their friends and there was a good chance he’d be here.

Kurt fingered the bottom of his green jacket nervously. They hadn’t spoken all week. Kurt hadn’t so much as looked at him since…the song. The declaration. Kurt didn’t feel like a person anymore. He felt like a big ball of emotions being rolled against his will in whichever direction the wind blew.

And it had been a windy week.

Everything hurt. Every love song, every couple holding hands in Central Park, every boy he passed with a similar build, similar hair, a similar smile. Why couldn’t Kurt just allow himself to be happy for once?

He had felt the pull sitting in theater techniques class all week. The aching desire to just throw all his worries in the air and give in, letting them fall where they may.

But every time he came close to parting with a glance or a soft word, he needed only to think of the loneliness he felt now and how much worse it would be when he was completely broken. He wouldn’t survive it.

Kurt watched as Kelsey pulled the door open. It almost felt like it was happening in slow motion. Slowly he was revealed, and Kurt’s heart broke a little at how adorable he looked in his baggy white pants, purple vest and little red fez.

He could no more than admire his Aladdin costume in his mind with a sad smile when his heart absolutely sank in his chest. He wasn’t alone. There was some guy – tall, blonde, gorgeous – with him. Kurt was glad for the glasses that were a part of his costume, as they hid the tears that he couldn’t stop from springing to his lids.

He knew he was being silly, that he had absolutely no right, but tell that to his traitorous heart.

It was going to be a very long night.

*~*

“Is he looking?”

Kenneth sighed. “Blaine, for the millionth time, I can’t see if he’s looking. He’s wearing glasses.”

“I know, but is his head turned this way?”

It had been an hour since they had arrived, and so far Blaine had done what he thought was a really good job at ignoring Kurt. Blaine and Kenneth were standing on the edge of the room near the kitchen talking. Blaine was drinking a beer, hoping it would take the edge off of his nerves. It hadn’t worked so far.

Kenneth gave Blaine a look but turned his head infinitesimally to get sight of Kurt. “I guess he’s turned this way a little. He could definitely see us if he was looking.”

“Okay,” Blaine nodded. He didn’t know what to do with that information, but he still wanted to have it. Blaine looked over at the dancing bodies in the middle of the room. “Should we go dance?” he asked hesitantly.

“God, yes,” Kenneth said, pulling Blaine immediately towards the other moving bodies. The tone of Kelsey’s party was incredible. There were a good number of people there, and the room was definitely crowded but it didn’t feel overly packed. Everyone knew each other for the most part and was just having a good time.

_ Take me to wonderland _ __  
_ take me to, take me to _ _  
_ _ take me to wonderland_

Still holding his drink, Blaine laughed as Kenneth started shaking his ass to the music in an overly sexual way. He needed to loosen up and just enjoy the party, but he found it impossible with Kurt so close to him. It was like an invisible tether connected them and wouldn’t allow Blaine’s mind to stray too far without bringing him right back.

Kenneth laughed and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, pulling him a little closer. Blaine looked around the room involuntarily and his eyes caught sight of Kurt’s bright green pinstriped jacket. He was dressed as the Once-ler from  _ The Lorax _ , and Blaine knew he was very proud of the costume he had been working on for months. It was actually because of Kurt that Kelsey had decided to make the party Disney themed in the first place.

Blaine watched as Kurt smiled at Rachel wearing his glasses. They were big green glasses with black lenses that made her look like a bug. Kurt wasn’t facing Blaine, but he must have somehow felt Blaine’s gaze because he suddenly turned and for the first time in a week, their eyes met.

Kurt’s smile fell and Blaine recognized something like hurt in his eyes even from across the crowded room. Kenneth must have felt some sort of change in Blaine because he asked, “Is he watching us?”

“Yes,” Blaine answered softly.

Blaine’s eyes still hadn’t left Kurt’s. “Kiss me,” Kenneth said quickly.

“ _ What? _ What about Jon?”

“He gave me permission,” Kenneth said quickly. “Hurry before he looks away.”

Blaine’s mind barely had time to register his options before his body made the decision for him. Whatever he had been doing all night hadn’t been working. Kurt didn’t seem fazed by Blaine’s appearance with another guy, so maybe he needed to kick it up a notch.

Kurt still hadn’t looked away and Blaine refused to be the one to drop his gaze first, so with his eyes still attached to Kurt’s blue ones, he lifted his face and pressed his mouth against Kenneth’s.

Blaine didn’t register Kenneth’s lips or taste. His mind was completely focused on Kurt. Kurt’s mouth popped open in a little “o” and his brow furrowed. Blaine guessed he didn’t actually think Blaine would kiss Kenneth, especially not right in front of him.

Abruptly Kurt turned around and ran toward the door, bumping into people along the way. Blaine had already pulled away from Kenneth and started making his way after Kurt when Kurt slammed the door behind him.

Everyone had stopped what they were doing to stare as Blaine exited the apartment as well, calling Kurt’s name.

*~*

_ I’m so  stupid ! _ Kurt thought angrily as he pressed the elevator call button four times. When the thing didn’t open immediately, he took off down the hallway toward the stairs.

He had been watching Blaine all night with that other guy, his pain an open wound. Rachel had told him that his name was Kenneth, and he was some guy Blaine knew from his acting class.

Behind the protection of his dark glasses, he had watched them talk and joke. He had let his guard down for like a second and given Rachel his glasses to try on when he had felt Blaine’s gaze on his back. He couldn’t explain how, he just knew it was there. He had turned and seen Blaine looking at him for the first time all night, and try as he might he couldn’t look away.

He knew he should have left as soon as he saw Blaine show up with some other guy, but he hadn’t. In a way it was self-inflicted punishment for how he had been acting lately.

Still, if he had murdered someone, he didn’t think it would be crime enough for the ache he felt in his chest right now. If someone had physically cut him, it couldn’t have hurt worse.

He was halfway down the hall when he heard a door close and his name being called. “Kurt, stop!”

_ Please, not now, _ Kurt thought. He swiped at the tears in his eyes, trying to clear his vision. He sped up, but Blaine was faster. He felt a hand on his shoulder jerking him to a stop.

Furious, he spun around to face Blaine. “ _ What?  _ God, Blaine, what do you want?”

Blaine flinched back. “What’s the matter?”

Kurt scoffed. Much to his frustration, tears were still steadily streaming down his face. “Seriously? You’re seriously asking me ‘what’s the matter’?”

Blaine answered Kurt’s anger with indignation of his own. “Yeah, Kurt. I’m seriously asking you that, because the way I see it, you have  _ no _ right to be angry with me right now.”

“I guess you’re right, Blaine.” He looked up at the ceiling, wiping away more tears with the sleeve of his jacket. “Why would I have any right to be upset that you brought some other guy here to parade around in my face?”

“What does it matter to you who I’m here with?” Blaine yelled. “You don’t want me, remember?” Blaine’s voice broke, betraying his enraged tone.

“I never said that!”

Blaine looked slightly taken aback. “Well, your complete silence for the last two weeks has said it pretty fucking loudly, Kurt.”

Kurt sniffed. He wiped his nose on his jacket, watching as a thin trail of snot stained the fabric. “I didn’t mean– I just couldn’t –” He didn’t know what to say. “I never said that,” he repeated softly.

Blaine moved closer, grabbing Kurt’s chin and forcing his downcast face up to look him in the eye. “Well, tell me now.” Kurt clenched his jaw, but he didn’t look away from Blaine’s eyes. “Do you want me, Kurt?” 

Kurt’s mind was reeling. The answer was obvious, but the question was all wrong. It was never a matter of wanting Blaine.  _ Of course _ he wanted Blaine. The question was if he could survive Blaine, if there would be anything left from the fallout when Blaine ultimately destroyed him.

Blaine splayed his hand out along Kurt’s jaw, moving ever closer. Their lips were only about two inches apart. Kurt raised his hand to rest on the other side of Blaine’s. “Do you want me?” Blaine asked again softly.

In that moment, Kurt’s will shattered. The only thing that would hurt worse than being with Blaine would be not being with him. He nodded almost imperceptibly.

“Say it,” Blaine commanded.

With as much weight as Kurt could muster, he said, “I want you.”

Kurt wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly his lips were crushed against Blaine’s. 

Their mouths moved together, heated and frenzied. Passion flowed between them in equal measure. Kurt felt his back being pressed up against a wall as he tightened his fingers in Blaine’s curls. Blaine tasted like beer and toothpaste, and… there was something else. The guy he had just been kissing? 

None of it mattered, because finally he was pressed flush against Blaine feeling everything he wouldn’t allow himself to with their first kiss.

Blaine had his fingers wrapped around Kurt’s hips, pulling them closer together. Finally, Kurt couldn’t take it anymore. He broke his mouth away from Blaine’s, gasping for air.

Blaine wasted no time, moving from Kurt’s lips to his jaw and then down to his neck.

Kurt drew deep breaths into his lungs. He thought he might pass out. “What about–” he broke off with a moan as Blaine started sucking on his neck. “Th-that guy?” Kurt finally finished, trying to clear his head enough to think. He was surprised he had managed a semi-coherent sentence when his every thought was  _ BlaineBlaineBlaineBlaineBlaine _ .

“Blaine,” he said, applying a small amount of force to pulling Blaine’s face away from his neck.

“Huh?” Blaine asked, his eyes glazed over with barely-contained lust.

Kurt blinked at him, trying to remember what he was saying. “The guy,” he finally remembered. “The guy you came to the party with.”

Blaine’s brow furrowed. “What about him?” 

“Well, shouldn’t you go and-and…talk to him?” Kurt lifted an eyebrow, like he was daring Blaine to treat another guy like crap now after everything.

“ Oh, ” Blaine said, realization apparently dawning on him. Kurt pursed his lips, waiting for what Blaine had to say about it. “Right, about that…” Blaine looked at his shoes sheepishly.

“What about it?”

“I maybe sort of asked a friend in a very committed relationship to come with me tonight to make you jealous,” he said in a rush.

Kurt gaped. “Blaine Devon Anderson! That is the most deceitful, dishonest,  _ mean _ – ” Before Kurt could come up with any more negative synonyms for Blaine’s despicable behavior, Blaine’s lips were on his again.

It took Kurt only a moment to melt into Blaine’s kiss, moving his hands from Blaine’s hair to wind around his neck.

After a moment, Blaine pulled away. Kurt opened his eyes slowly to see a devious smile on Blaine’s bruised lips. “It worked, didn’t it?” he said.

“Ugh,” Kurt said, kissing him again briefly. “You are insufferable,” he said against Blaine’s lips.

Blaine laughed. “So I’ve been told.”


	12. Without You I Am Nothing

The Fasten Seatbelt sign flickered on as the pilot announced that they would soon be touching down in Columbus. Kurt pulled his headphones out of his ears and leaned over to wake Blaine. He was lying at an awkward angle with his face mashed against the seat and his mouth wide open.

Though the day before Thanksgiving was technically a school day, professors at NYADA had a long history of cancelling class, spouting the woes of holiday travelling in New York as the basis. Rachel had learned that the year before, so in anticipation, she, Kurt, and Blaine had booked a flight to Ohio early on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to save money and maximize on the time they had to spend at home.

Kurt smiled adoringly at Blaine. Never having been a morning person, Blaine had slept for the entire three hour flight, nodding off as soon as the plane had taken off. Kurt leaned close to Blaine’s ear and whispered, “Wake up.”

Blaine didn’t stir. Kurt reached up and brushed a curl away from his boyfriend’s face. “Blaine, baby, it’s time to get up.”

Blaine pressed his face into Kurt’s open palm and muttered something unintelligible.

“Blaine, get up!” Rachel shouted from Blaine's other side as she hit him in the head with her neck pillow. 

He started awake, looking around. “What—?”

“Rachel, that wasn’t very nice,” Kurt said, glaring at her from over Blaine’s head.

“It worked, didn’t it? We don’t have time for Blaine’s ‘I’m not a morning person’ routine. Burt and Carol will be waiting for us.”

Kurt made a face at her but had to concede she was right. The plane had landed and pretty soon it would be time for them to disembark. 

Blaine sank back into his chair, shielding his eyes from the morning light streaming through the window beside Rachel. “I need coffee,” he groaned.

Kurt laughed. “I know. We’ll get some as soon as we leave the airport, I promise.”

A few minutes later, the seatbelt sign shut off and people began rising to collect their bags. Kurt, being in the aisle seat, took charge of collecting all their bags from the overhead compartment while Rachel and Blaine stood and stretched.

Kurt passed Rachel her purse and Blaine his laptop case and duffel bag, pulling his own shoulder and duffel bags on.

“Thank you, baby,” Blaine mumbled, eyes still puffy from sleep.

In reply, Kurt reached out and grabbed Blaine’s hand, and they began to trail off of the plane.

When they got to baggage claim, they stood waiting for Rachel’s hot pink suitcase to appear. Kurt rolled his eyes when it finally showed itself. “Rachel, I can’t believe you brought a suitcase. We’re only going to be here for four days. Don’t you have any clothes at home?”

Rachel glared at Kurt as she pulled the handle up and they began to walk. “ _ Five _ days, four nights, and all I have here are animal sweaters and pleated skirts.”

He was about to reply when he registered the pressure of Blaine’s hand in his. He looked down at his boyfriend and noticed the tension on his face. He certainly seemed wide awake now. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“What? Nothing,” Blaine answered too quickly.

Kurt pulled him to a stop. Port Columbus wasn’t very big and as much as Kurt felt a physical pull towards his father and stepmother who were no doubt only a few hundred feet away, he needed Blaine to be okay before they all met. He wanted this part to go as smoothly as possible.

“Blaine, stop worrying, okay? They’re going to love you.”

“What if they don’t?” Blaine asked in a small voice. “Kurt, they mean everything to you, what if–”

Kurt cut him off with a quick kiss. He was a little nervous about showing so much physical affection in public – they definitely weren’t in New York anymore – but Blaine needed him, and that was more important than the tiny pocket of discomfort in his stomach. He waited until he felt some of the tension melt away from Blaine’s smaller frame before pulling away.

“Stop. They are completely harmless and wonderful, and they will adore you just as much as I do. And even if they don’t, it won’t change how I feel about you one bit. Okay?”

Rachel hadn’t noticed that they had stopped walking until she was about thirty feet in front of them. “Come on, slowpokes!” she called.

Kurt just stood looking into Blaine’s anxious eyes until he replied. “Okay,” Blaine finally said.

Nodding, Kurt pulled on Blaine’s hand and they began walking towards the terminal exit.

They rounded a corner and Kurt caught sight of his dad’s worn out brown baseball cap. He had planned on staying with Blaine until they reached his parents and introducing them properly, but when he saw his dad, something inside Kurt just snapped.

He had tried to bury how much he’d missed his father the last couple of months, but seeing his dad across the crowded airport terminal brought it all up. His homesickness washed over him like a physical blow. He dropped Blaine’s hand and took off in a run. “Dad!” he called, launching himself into his father’s arms.

Kurt’s weight nearly knocked his father off balance, but he steadied them both just like he always had. Tears pricked Kurt’s eyes as he felt his father’s arm around him, solid and warm. He breathed his father in, the old familiar scent of laundry detergent and a hint of motor oil that he could never quite wash off.

“I missed you so much, dad.” His words were muffled by his father’s plaid shirt.

“Missed you, too, bud,” Burt replied, his voice rough.

After a few more seconds, Burt squeezed Kurt tightly one more time and then let him go. Kurt sniffed lightly and looked over at his step-mother. She was releasing Rachel from a hug. Kurt and Rachel swapped places, Rachel hugging Burt and Kurt wrapping Carol in his arms. 

Kurt sighed as he released her. Being reunited with his parents felt like lifting a giant weight off of his shoulders that he hadn’t known was there until it was gone.

He turned around to face Blaine, who was smiling fondly them. Kurt reached his hand out and Blaine took it immediately. “Dad, Carol, I want you to meet Blaine. Blaine, this is my dad and my step-mom.”

Kurt was just a little apprehensive as Blaine stepped forward and raised his right hand to shake his father’s, his right hand gripping Kurt’s tighter. Kurt hadn’t been lying to Blaine, though. He knew his parents were going to love him.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Hummel,” Blaine said with a charming smile.

“You, too. May as well get used to callin’ me Burt, kid.” Kurt watched his father closely, searching for any hidden judgments behind his thoughtful eyes, but he saw only warmth. 

Blaine nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Blaine then turned to Carol, sticking out his hand. “Oh, come here,” Carol said, wrapping Blaine in an embrace. “We’ve heard so much about you, Blaine.”

He laughed. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too, Mrs.–”

“Oh, don’t you dare. It’s Carol, honey.”

“Carol,” he obliged with a smile.

She released Blaine and Burt said, “Alright, we should probably get a move on. Get everyone settled in.”

Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand and they all took off toward the exit.

*~*

About a half hour later, Carol’s SUV pulled up to the Anderson house and Kurt nearly audibly gasped. “Blaine…” he said, looking at his boyfriend with wide eyes.

“Yes?” Blaine asked absently. He was searching the seat around him.

“Your  house .” It was…massive. It was maybe a few steps away from being a mansion. Kurt would seriously think someone famous lived there if he didn’t know any better.

“Yeah, baby, I know. I’m just trying to find my phone,” Blaine replied.

Kurt knew Blaine’s family had money. They had been making out on Blaine’s couch a few weeks before when Kurt had finally asked a question that had been on his mind for a while. “Blaine, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Blaine replied, nipping at Kurt’s ear.

“How can you afford this apartment? I know it’s kind of an improper question,” he said in a rush. “You don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Blaine chuckled. “You can ask me anything,” he replied. Blaine trailed his fingers softly up Kurt’s side, making him shiver. “And my parents pay for this apartment.”

Kurt had figured as much. He knew Blaine didn’t have a job, but an apartment on the Upper West Side would be expensive if it was the only place someone had to pay for, and Blaine’s parents obviously had their own home and bills. Blaine parents must have been  _ loaded. _

“So, uh, they must be pretty, um…” Kurt tried to find a delicate way to put it.

Blaine laughed. “My mom’s a lawyer and my dad works in business, not to mention he has some family money. Yeah, they’re pretty well off, as they say.”

Kurt hadn’t known what to say to that, so he had captured Blaine’s smiling lips with his own, and they had melted into a deeper kiss and even some heavy petting…

His mind returned to the present and he continued staring open-mouthed at Blaine’s three story house that was at least three times the size of his dad’s. He glanced at the other faces in the car and saw varying degrees of his own expression on everyone else’s face.

“Kurt, can you help me find it, please?” Blaine asked. He was now leaned far down, searching under the seat.

“What?” Kurt replied blankly.

“My phone. I had it earlier, but now I can’t find it.”

Kurt blinked. “Oh, I have it.” He pulled Blaine’s phone out of his jacket pocket. “You were about to sit on it, so I rescued it from its third new screen in six months.”

“Seriously? I’ve been looking for it for like five minutes,” Blaine said with half-hearted indignation.

Blaine reached for his phone but Kurt snatched it away. “And by that you mean, ‘Thank you, Kurt, for saving my phone. You’re the best boyfriend ever.’”

Blaine reached for his phone but Kurt held it out of reach, raising his eyebrows expectantly. Blaine sighed dramatically and gave Kurt a sugary sweet smile. “Thank you, Kurt, for saving my phone. You’re the  _ best boyfriend ever _ ,” he recited. 

“I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, Blaine Warbler,” Kurt replied, but he handed Blaine his phone.

Blaine wrinkled his nose at Kurt before opening the door and climbing out of the car. Kurt followed him out, and both boys walked around to the back to retrieve Blaine’s bags.

Kurt shouldered Blaine’s laptop case and Blaine grabbed his duffel bag. As they passed the front of the car, Carol rolled down the driver’s side window. “Goodbye, honey. We’ll see you at the house tomorrow evening, right?”

Blaine smiled widely. “Absolutely.”

“Bye, Blainey!” Rachel called from the backseat, waving wildly.

“Bye, Rach. Mr. and Mrs.— I mean, Carol, Burt. Thank you so much for the ride.”

“Anytime,” Burt called, giving Blaine a small wave.

Blaine waved to them and then grabbed Kurt’s hand. Together they walked to Blaine’s front door. 

When they reached the large, heavy-looking front door, they stopped and Kurt looked down at his boyfriend.

He stared into Blaine’s eyes for a few long seconds before grinning and saying, “Your house is huge.”

“What?” Blaine glanced at his house quickly. “Oh, I guess so.”

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow?” Kurt hedged, not wanting to say goodbye. 

Blaine nodded. “You’ll be here at eleven, right?”

“Right,” Kurt replied. 

He and Blaine actually had a pretty easy time of fitting both of their families into their Thanksgiving plans. Blaine’s parents had an enormous catered Thanksgiving lunch for some of Blaine’s father’s business partners which Kurt would be attending the next day. Blaine would then be coming back with Kurt to his house for his family’s more intimate Thanksgiving dinner, prepared by Carol and himself.

They were going to eat way too much food, but then wasn’t that the nature of the holiday?

Blaine dug his keys out of his pocket. “Okay, well…”

Kurt laughed. He leaned forward and grabbing Blaine’s face with his hands, he planted his lips on Blaine’s in a short but passionate kiss. “Bye,” he said with a smile.

Blaine smiled back. “Bye.”

Kurt turned and began walking back to the car.

“Kurt!”

He turned around. “Yeah?”

“My bag,” Blaine said, gesturing to Kurt’s shoulder.

“Oh!” Kurt turned and hurried back to Blaine, handing over his laptop case.

When he turned around again, Blaine grabbed his hand, pulling him back. “Just one more thing…” Blaine murmured, pulling Kurt into another kiss. Kurt closed his eyes, relishing the feel of his boyfriend’s mouth on his for a second.

Kurt pulled away. “I have to go,” he said, smiling.

Blaine tugged on his hand. “But I have something very important–” He pulled Kurt into another kiss.

Kurt laughed against Blaine’s mouth. “ Blaine ,” he said, muffled against Blaine’s lips.

Blaine pulled away but didn’t release Kurt’s hand and after sighing dramatically, said, “Fine.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, you drama queen,” Kurt quipped.

Blaine made a playful face. “Well, just leave, then.”

“Fine,” Kurt answered, tugging on his hand, smiling.

Blaine finally let go of Kurt’s hand. “Fine,” he said loudly.

Kurt began walking toward the car, shooting a quick smile over his shoulder. Blaine was watching him walk away. Only when Kurt climbed into the car did Blaine turn around, push the key into the lock and swing the door open wide.

*~*

“Mom! Dad!” Blaine called when he entered the house. Silence greeted him. Setting his duffel bag down on a side table, he crossed through the large parlor that they never used and into the kitchen. Though he knew to expect it, it didn’t stop the disappointment from washing over him as he read his mother’s note.

_ Blaine, _

_ Welcome home! Sorry we couldn’t be here when you arrived, but Dad and I went to deal with the caterers to get everything situated for tomorrow. _

_ Teresa should be there around ten and we’ll be home by noon. _

_ Love, _

_ Mom _

Sighing, Blaine dropped the note back on the counter and turned around, heading back through the house toward the stairs. His parents were in Columbus and they couldn’t pick him up from the airport? When he’d asked, his mom had said she and his father had “important things to do.”

As he climbed the stairs, Blaine thought with a pang in his chest of Kurt’s warm reunion with his dad and step-mom. His burly father had been close to tears hugging his son, and Carol had treated Kurt as though she’d loved him forever, even though Blaine knew that she had only been married to Kurt’s father a little over two years.

Blaine couldn’t ever remember his parents treating him with that much open, unadulterated love.

Finally reaching his room, Blaine pushed open the door. It hadn’t changed a bit since he’d left almost six months before. Still, somehow it felt different. He knew that wasn’t the case, that he himself was different. He sat his laptop case on his neatly made bed and felt like he was in a stranger’s room.

He hadn’t liked the Blaine that lived in this room. He was insecure and really sad inside and he’d had no one to care about. He sat down on the corner of the bed gingerly, and felt the silence of the huge, empty house settle around him like a heavy weight. Blaine loved his parents, but this house was toxic.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He reached in and grabbed it, opening Kurt’s text with practiced ease.  _ So, you were a huge hit with my parents. The words “charming,” “handsome” and “well-mannered” are being thrown around. _

He smiled. Kurt could always make him feel better.  _ Wow I’ve really fooled them. You haven’t told them of my wicked intentions for their son have you? _

He waited patiently for Kurt’s quick reply.  _ No need. Rachel’s got you covered. She’s trying to convince them of what a scoundrel you are but I don’t think they believe her. _

Blaine laughed.  _ I’m sure she is. Do you think I’m a scoundrel? _ he quickly thumbed out.

Kurt’s next reply came even quicker than his previous one.  _ No I KNOW you’re a scoundrel.  I’ve seen the things you can do with your tongue. _

Grinning, Blaine scooted back on the bed and lounged against the pillows. He would flirt with his boyfriend and maybe take a nap, and in a little more than twenty-four hours, Kurt would be there and everything would feel better. There was no way even this house could touch Kurt’s light.

*~*

Kurt’s hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly as he navigated his car onto the curb in front of Blaine’s house.

He was about three minutes from meeting the Andersons, and Kurt was pretty much terrified. He had done nothing but freak out about meeting his boyfriend’s parents for the hour and a half drive from Lima, and even though he knew he was being silly and acting just like Blaine had been yesterday, it didn’t do anything to quell his nerves.

And anyway, it wasn’t exactly the same situation. Kurt knew Burt and Carol were going to love Blaine. They loved easily and Blaine was easy to love. It was no question. But from what Kurt had gleaned from Blaine about his parents, they weren’t exactly the warmest people.

Recalling the words he himself had said to Blaine the day before, Kurt decided that it didn’t matter if Blaine’s parents liked him.

Plucking up his courage, Kurt cut the engine and climbed out of the car. He made his way quickly up the driveway, taking stock again of Blaine’s huge house. He couldn’t imagine what three people – well, four including Blaine’s older brother – needed with so much space.

Kurt knocked on the door with three sharp raps before noticing the doorbell to the right of the door frame. Living in New York had made him forget suburban decorum, apparently. Slightly embarrassing, he wondered if he should press the little white button or if that would seem too aggressive.

The door opened before Kurt could decide, and he saw a small middle-aged woman standing in the doorway. Surprised, he stuttered out, “Um, hi. I’m Kurt Hummel. I’m here to see–”

“ _ Sí, _ come in,” she said in heavily accented English. The woman, apparently the Andersons’ housekeeper judging by her clothes, led Kurt into a big and impeccably decorated sitting room. “You can wait in the parlor. Mr. Anderson will be right with you.”

“Oh, okay,” Kurt said, nonplussed. Kurt chose one of the smaller chairs over the rather formidable looking couch and sat down gingerly. “Thank you– I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“ _ Mi chiamo _ Teresa,” she responded.

“Teresa?” She nodded. “Well, thank you, Teresa. It was nice to meet you,” Kurt said, smiling at the older woman.

“ _ Piacere mio _ , Mr. Hummel. And you as well,” she said, turning and walking out of the room.

Raising his eyebrows, Kurt took stock of the room he was in. The furniture was obviously expensive and the color cohesion screamed Interior Decorator. Still, he wouldn’t trade this cold, empty room for the soft, mismatched furniture of his own living room in a million years.

He crossed his legs and then re-crossed them the other way. He suddenly felt ridiculous. He was Blaine’s  boyfriend , for goodness sake. Why the hell was he sitting in the  parlor ? Why couldn’t he just go up to Blaine’s room? But he didn’t know where Blaine’s room was and he’d no doubt get lost in this maze of a house.

Frustrated, he pulled out his phone and sent Blaine a text.  _ I’m currently stranded in your big scary parlor with an evil witch named Teresa guarding the doorway! Come rescue me, please! _

After a minute passed and Blaine didn’t answer, Kurt stood and tried to peek out of the doorway. He wished Teresa actually  _ were _ guarding it, because at least then he would have someone to talk to or he could ask her to go get Blaine or something.

“Hello?” Kurt called tentatively. “Blaine? Teresa?” The only sound Kurt could hear was a grandfather clock ticking at the end of a hallway. Seriously? Kurt knew at least Teresa was here, and Blaine had  better be here somewhere. How was this house so freaking quiet?

The Little Ms. Manners inside Kurt told him he should stay in the parlor and wait for someone to retrieve him and that he had already made one social faux pas, but his inner diva shoved that bitch in a closet. He was not about to sit here and wait forever, not to mention that fact that Blaine had obviously told the housekeeper he was coming and that he should be sent to the  _ parlor _ . He wasn’t a damn vacuum salesman.

“Helloooo?” Kurt called again. He began walking slowly down the hallway, not wanting to startle anyone he did happen upon. “Is anyone here?”

He was now near the end of the hallway. He saw now that it turned to the left. He was about to turn around and find another way when he heard voices. There was a door at the end of the hallway with a crack in it, and he distinctly heard Blaine’s voice on the other side. It was muffled and Kurt realized the big wooden doors were the reason the house seemed so quiet. He moved a little closer to the door, but stopped when he could make out Blaine’s words.

“…tell me exactly what you’re trying to say, Dad, because I’m not sure I’m getting it.” There was a lot of tension in Blaine’s voice. Kurt didn’t think he’d ever taken a tone like that with his own father. He may have been indignant, especially in some of his moodier teen years, but never hostile.

“Don’t be petulant, Blaine. You know exactly what I’m saying.” Blaine’s father’s voice was deeper than Blaine’s, but there was something there that Kurt recognized. A timber or an inflection, something that reminded him of his boyfriend. Kurt wondered mildly if they also looked alike.

“What I  think you’re saying is that you want me to hide that fact that Kurt’s my boyfriend in front of all of your friends, but surely that can’t be right, can it?” Kurt was trying to decide if he should interrupt and knock on the door when he heard his name. He knew he shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but he couldn’t help it. He leaned closer to hear Mr. Anderson’s response.

“Why do you always have to dramatize everything? I’m not asking you to hide it, I’m just asking you not to broadcast it in front of my business partners. I don’t feel like that’s an unreasonable request.” Blaine’s father didn’t sound cold to Kurt, he just sounded weary.

Blaine was getting even more defensive, his voice rising with every word. Soon, Kurt didn’t have to strain his ears at all to hear him. “Yeah, you wouldn’t. You don’t understand that what you’re asking is for me to be someone other than who I am so that your friends won’t be a little uncomfortable. Why did you even say he could come, since you clearly don’t want him here?” Kurt flinched.

“I never said I don’t want him here, Blaine. Would you stop trying to make me the bad guy? I just want everything to go smoothly.”

A loud sound erupted from the room, like a chair screeching across the floor. “How is my sexuality going to make things not go smoothly, Dad?” Blaine said. “Do you think I’m just going to bend Kurt over the table and fuck him in front of everyone?”

“Blaine, language!” his father yelled.

There was silence for a few beats, when Blaine finally said steadily, “You know what? I’m not a kid anymore, and I don’t have to put up with this. I am  not going to explain to my boyfriend that I can’t so much as hold his hand in my home because my father is a bigot.”

“That's  not  fair–”

“I’m leaving,” Blaine interrupted. “I’m going to go spend the rest of my break with Kurt and his family, who, for the record, would never ask Kurt to be anything but exactly who he is. Not for anybody."

“Blaine!” Mr. Anderson shouted. The door swung open widely and Kurt stood frozen in the light spilling from the room.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked, the furious look on his face shifting to one of befuddlement.

“I’m so sorry,” Kurt said quickly. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I just, I– I heard your voice and I was just looking for you because you never came and–”

“It’s okay,” Blaine said. He grabbed Kurt’s hand. “Come on, let’s go up to my room.”  

Blaine began leading Kurt down the hallway, but Kurt turned to glance over his shoulder before they rounded the corner. He saw Mr. Anderson, Blaine’s father, leaning on a big desk with his head in his hands. He ran a hand through his dark hair in a gesture that was so achingly  _ Blaine _ that Kurt nearly lost his breath.

“When did you get here? I didn’t hear the doorbell,” Blaine said.

Kurt yanked his gaze away from Blaine’s father and looked at his boyfriend. “What? Oh, I didn’t ring it. I knocked and Teresa let me in and told me to wait for you in the parlor.”

“She sent you to the parlor? Teresa!” Blaine had just caught sight of the small woman at the top of the stairs. “Why did you send Kurt to the parlor? I told you to bring him to me or yell for me when he got here.”

Teresa looked at Blaine like he was a cute but misbehaving toddler. “You were busy,  _ cucciola mia _ . I thought it would be improper to bring him into a war zone.”

Blaine smiled at her wistfully. “If you wanted to wait until my father and I weren’t arguing, he would have starved to death in there.”

Teresa smiled back at him. She flicked her eyes to Kurt and said, “ _ Mi piace lui molto.  È  un ragazzo bello e educato _ .”

_ “Sí _ ,  _ lui è molto,”  _ Blaine replied.

Kurt looked at him quizzically, but Blaine just pulled Kurt up the stairs past Teresa down to the third door in the hallway. “You speak Italian?” Kurt asked.

“Yeah, Teresa taught me. She’s been around since before I was born.” Blaine closed the door behind them and Kurt let his eyes scan Blaine’s room quickly before returning to his boyfriend’s face.

“How did I not know that?”

“You don’t know everything about me, Kurt Hummel,” Blaine replied. He leaned in closer to Kurt’s face, looking deep into his eyes.

Kurt swallowed. “What did she say about me?”

Blaine’s mouth quirked up on one side. “That you’re handsome and polite.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Scout’s honor.”

Kurt let his eyes trail down to trace the contours of Blaine’s lips. “Do you want to talk about what just happened with you dad?” he asked hesitantly.

“No,” Blaine answered immediately.

“Blaine, I don’t want to cause problems between you and your family. If you need me to go and come back to get you after lunch—”

“Kurt, no. That wasn’t really about you. That was just my father being my father.”

“But—” 

“Please, can we just go spend Thanksgiving with your family? I can’t be here right now,” Blaine said. He had responded to his father in anger and he was acting blasé about their fight, but Kurt could see the pain in Blaine’s eyes.

“Okay,” Kurt answered.

Blaine moved his lips closer to Kurt’s until they were barely a centimeter apart.  _ “Senza di te non sono niente,”  _ he said softly.

Kurt gasped as Blaine closed the distance between their lips. 

He inhaled Blaine’s exhale and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck. Blaine sucked Kurt’s bottom lip into his mouth and bit down on it gently. Kurt moaned into Blaine’s mouth, pressing their bodies close.

Blaine reached his free hand around Kurt and shoved it into Kurt’s very tight back pocket, gripping his ass firmly through the fabric.

Kurt gave in for a few more seconds before pulling his mouth away from his boyfriend’s. “If we’re going to go we need to leave now before people start showing up,” he said breathlessly.

Blaine groaned, burying his head in Kurt’s shoulder. “You’re right."

Kurt moved his arms back down to his sides, pulling Blaine’s hand out of his pocket. “Come on, before your dad comes back for round two.”

With a sigh, Blaine released Kurt to gather his things.

*~*

“Absolutely not.  _ Absolutely not _ ,” Carol said loudly over Burt.

“Carol, all I’m saying is that maybe it isn’t our place to interfere in the affairs of other countries. You can’t save everybody,” Burt replied.

“Does that mean you shouldn’t try, dad?” Kurt said, his face slightly red. “They were using chemical weapons on innocent people, on  children .”

“No, I agree with Burt,” Finn said around a mouthful of pumpkin pie. “It’s not really any of our business.”

“Finn, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Carol admonished.

Blaine sat back in his chair watching the Hudson-Hummel family volley comments over the overflowing dining room table. There were mostly-empty serving dishes of all the Thanksgiving staple foods, and Blaine had eaten until he could barely move.

Kurt and Carol’s Thanksgiving dinner was so much better than the catered lunch his parents always had on the holiday. Blaine had barely been able to contain himself. Since he and Kurt had started dating, he had gone from existing solely on takeout to a few meals a week that Kurt cooked, but Kurt was always insisting they eat healthy.

When Blaine went for his third helping of mashed potatoes, Kurt side-eyed him, but didn’t say anything, which Blaine took as acquiescence to gorge himself.

Not only was the food amazing, but Blaine was pleasantly surprised by the atmosphere of dinner with Kurt’s family. It was full of life, passion, and laughter, so different from the stiff, polite conversations of meals from his own childhood.

The conversation had flowed effortlessly from philosophy to religion to pop culture to where it was now – politics. Blaine was almost dizzy trying to keep up.

“What does that even mean? ‘Our business’?” Kurt asked pointedly.

Everyone but Finn had finished eating. Finn glanced at his mother and swallowed his food before speaking. “I just mean, like, they weren’t doing anything to Americans.”

“Oh, and I guess people who aren’t Americans don’t matter, regardless of whether or not they were completely innocent? Who cares if some brown people die, right?” Kurt said acerbically, glaring at Finn.

Finn widened his eyes at Kurt’s tone and Blaine almost busted out laughing at his bewildered expression. 

“Now, Kurt, you know that’s not what Finn meant,” Burt said judiciously. “He was just saying that there’s all kinds of bad stuff going on in the world, and of course it’s important to be humanitarian, but this is more than that. Our response to this issue is going to set a precedent, ya know? You can’t just ignore the political aspect of politics.”

Carol interjected before Kurt could reply. “Alright, boys. That’s enough. Finn’s going to explode if we let him eat another piece of pie, and that would be unfortunate because then he wouldn’t be able to clean up.”

Finn groaned. “Mom, I can barely move.”

“C’mon, buddy, you know the rule. Kurt and Carol did all the cooking, so we gotta clean up,” Burt said, clapping Finn on the shoulder.

Burt stood up, gathering his and Carol’s plates in his hands.

Finn groaned again but stood and helped Burt gather some dishes.

“I’ll help, too,” Blaine said, standing.

“Don’t be silly,” Carol said, swatting his arm. “You’re a guest. Kurt, honey, why don’t you take Blaine to the living room and you boys can watch a movie or something while you let your food digest.”

“I really don’t mind,” Blaine said, but Kurt stood up and grabbed his arm, steering him towards the living room.

“You heard the woman,” Kurt said.

The boys settled onto the couch with Kurt sitting up and Blaine lying down with his head in Kurt’s lap. Blaine rubbed his stomach and groaned as Kurt reached for the TV remote. 

“Check the score on the game, would ya?” Burt yelled from the kitchen.

Kurt raised his eyebrows at Blaine. Blaine chuckled. “CBS, Ravens versus Steelers.”

“Oh,” Kurt said, flipping to the appropriate channel. “What’s the score?” he asked Blaine.

“Kurt, it’s right there on the screen,” he replied.

“I can’t tell! There are a bunch of numbers,” Kurt said.

Blaine just shook his head and said, “It’s six to fourteen. The Steelers are up by eight.”

“The Steelers are up by eight!” Kurt parroted loudly so his father could hear.

“Yes!” Blaine heard Finn shout from the kitchen.

Kurt immediately changed the channel to TLC and sat the remote down beside him. He threaded his fingers through Blaine’s hair and began massaging his scalp slowly.

“Mmmm,” Blaine hummed, closing his eyes. “I ate way too much,” he said.

“I know,” Kurt replied. Blaine could hear the smile in his voice. “Did you have three or four helpings of mashed potatoes?”

“Three,” Blaine said indignantly. “I couldn’t help myself. You and Carol are excellent cooks.”

Kurt laughed. “Thanks.”

The boys settled into silence, and Blaine listened absently to the women on the screen judging the wedding dress their friend was trying on. His full stomach and Kurt’s fingers running through his hair had him nearly falling asleep.

“Blaine?” Kurt asked softly after a few minutes.

“Hmm?” Blaine answered sleepily.

“Will you talk to me about what happened with your dad today?” 

Though his eyes stayed closed, Blaine was suddenly wide awake. There was a hesitation in Kurt’s voice that made Blaine’s heart hurt. Blaine knew Kurt should be able to ask him about anything without fear of Blaine’s reaction, but years of antagonism with his father put Blaine on edge when discussing their relationship. It was an old habit he couldn’t just overcome easily.

“What do you want me to say, Kurt?” Blaine said evenly.

Kurt’s hands stilled in Blaine’s hair. “I don’t know. I just want you to open up to me. You don’t have to pretend that nothing touches you, not with me.”

Blaine opened his eyes slowly and looked up into his boyfriend’s kind blue ones.

He let his eyes fall down to his hand splayed open on his stomach. “It is what it is,” he said finally, resigned. “My father is who he is. I’m never going to be good enough for him, so I decided a long time ago to just stop trying to be.”

“No, you haven’t.”

Blaine’s eyes shot up to meet Kurt’s. “What?”

“You haven’t stopped trying to be good enough for him.”

Blaine sat up, spinning to face Kurt. “Yeah, I have,” he said forcefully.

“You think I don’t see how hard you are on yourself for making the smallest mistakes, Blaine? You beat yourself up all the time for not being perfect, for missing one note or forgetting a dance step. It’s like you’ve internalized all of your father’s criticism and you lash out at yourself more than he ever could.”

Blaine clenched his jaw. The glaring truth of Kurt’s words cut deep. “You just don’t get it, Kurt. Your relationship with your dad is so different from mine. You could never understand what it’s like to not have his approval to just be who I am.”

“You’re right,” Kurt said. He reached out and grabbed Blaine’s hand with his own. Blaine’s first instinct was to snatch it away, but he resisted. “My dad has always encouraged me to be exactly who I am. But your dad loves you, Blaine. Yes, he clearly doesn’t express it in the right way, but he just wants what’s best for you.”

“He wants me to be straight. How is that wanting what’s best for me?” Blaine ran the hand that wasn’t holding Kurt’s through his curls. 

“Try to see it from his point of view. Being gay is something that in your father’s eyes is a limitation. People are always going to judge you for it. He doesn’t think there’s something wrong with you and he doesn’t love you any less. He just wants you to have every possible opportunity.”

Blaine knew Kurt was right. It didn’t make his dad’s behavior fair or right, but it did make it more understandable. More forgivable. And it made Blaine feel better. Everything Kurt did made Blaine feel better. “How could you know all that from overhearing part of one fight?”

Kurt smiled. “Because I know you. There’s no way anyone could  _ not _ love you.” Blaine eyebrows rose. Was Kurt implying… “You need to talk to him,” Kurt continued before Blaine could finish his thought. “Maybe not now necessarily, but whenever you feel more comfortable.”

“I know,” Blaine said. “I will.” He wrapped his arms around Kurt’s middle, letting himself sink into his boyfriend’s embrace. “Thank you, Kurt,” he said as earnestly as he could.

“Hey.” Using his index finger, Kurt tipped Blaine’s face up until it was level with his own. “Anytime,” he said, placing a gentle kiss on Blaine’s lips.

*~*

Kurt pushed open his apartment door with a giant huff, carrying his heavy bag into the living room and setting it down on the coffee table. Rachel came in behind him, struggling considerably with her own luggage. 

He plopped himself down on the couch, trailing his eyes around the familiar walls while fingering his keys absentmindedly.

Rachel dropped her own bags haphazardly and sat next to Kurt. “So, what did you think?” she asked.

“About what?” Kurt said. His eyes focused on a black and white picture of all the glee club kids from his senior year. It was taken the day they won nationals.

“About going back home.”

Kurt contemplated his answer. He thought back on seeing his family, his parents and his brother, for the first time in months. He then thought about Friday, which he had spent with Rachel, Mercedes, Santana, and Tina at the mall, catching up and doing some Christmas shopping and then last night when everyone from glee club got together at Rachel’s house. A lump formed in his throat when he remembered how long it was going to be before he saw them again. He had forgotten how much he’d missed them until he’d seen them.

But then Kurt thought of how…foreign it felt to be back in Ohio, in his old room. The thing about Lima is that it never changed, and Kurt felt like he himself was so completely different than when he was living in Lima. His room had felt like a hotel room instead of the place he had spent the majority of his time for years of his life. 

And there was something else about Ohio that would always make it stand apart from New York – the stares. The judgment from strangers. People side-eying him for having perfect hair and fashionable clothes. He had not once since they’d started dating hesitated to hold Blaine’s hand in public until he was back in Ohio. Being back there was like being under a microscope. Despite the smog, getting off the plane in New York felt like taking a breath of fresh air.

“It was a lot different than I expected,” he answered finally. “It was nice seeing everyone, but I guess I don’t feel like Lima is home anymore. I felt like we were just visitors there, and this is our home now.”

“Yeah, me too,” Rachel said. “It just felt so small, didn’t it?”

Kurt nodded. “Does it make me a terrible person if I say I’m glad we can’t afford to go back for Christmas?”

“If it does we’ll have to be terrible people together.”


	13. No Man is a Failure Who Has Friends

It was the day before Christmas Eve, and Kurt didn’t think anything could be more perfect than it was in that moment.

They had finished their classes a few days before, both he and Blaine having done remarkably well their first semester at NYADA, and now they were exiting the theater onto 45 th Street, gloved fingers intertwined and bodies pressed close against the cold. Kurt felt his nose immediately turn frosty, and he was sure it was going pink as well.

They should have been walking quickly to get to the subway and out of the cold, but as Kurt took in the view of the tall buildings, the bright lights, the bundled up people and the jam packed street that were staples of New York City, Kurt didn’t have it in him to rush away. 

Blaine must have felt the same, because he didn’t seem to be in any hurry, either. Together they just strolled down the street, ignoring the below freezing weather.

“So, what did you think?” Blaine asked.

Kurt laughed. “Are we going to play that game again?”

“Well, that depends. Are you pretend like you didn’t like it?”

Letting his eyes linger on Blaine’s face awash with lights from the street, Kurt said, “I loved it. I really loved it, Blaine. I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas present.”

“I’m glad,” Blaine said earnestly.

Kurt thought back on the argument they had had that morning when Blaine had handed Kurt the envelope with the tickets in them.

They had fallen asleep watching a movie at Blaine’s apartment the night before, and for once Blaine had woken up first. He presented Kurt with a cup of coffee and the envelope when Kurt finally managed to peel his eyes open.

“Merry Christmas!” Blaine said with a wide smile.

“It’s not Christmas,” Kurt retorted grumpily.

“I know, but the present I got you is kind of time sensitive. You have to open it today.”

Kurt sat up suddenly, glaring at Blaine when his groggy mind caught up with the situation. “ Blaine _. _ You got me a Christmas present?” The question could have sounded playful or surprised, but Kurt’s tone wasn’t either of those things. It was dangerous. And from the way Blaine’s eyes tightened and his smile fell slightly, Blaine knew it.

“It doesn’t have to be a big deal, okay? Please just open it.” Blaine held the envelope a little closer to Kurt, but he shirked away from it.

“We talked about this. You  promised! ” Kurt got out of bed and stood, wanting to be on equal ground with Blaine. 

They had made a deal over a month ago when Blaine paid for half of Kurt’s plane ticket to go to Lima that it would be Blaine’s Christmas present to Kurt. It had been a compromise that neither of them had been happy with – Kurt because he felt like it was too much for even a Christmas gift and Blaine because he didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Kurt a “real” Christmas present – but it was the only way Kurt could afford to fly home for Thanksgiving.

And now Blaine was trying to give him something else, after he had promised that he wouldn’t. Kurt wasn’t having it.

“I know I promised, but I couldn’t let our first Christmas pass without giving you something. Besides, this gift is just as much for me as it is for you.” Blaine sat Kurt’s coffee that he had refused to take on his dresser and approached Kurt slowly, like he might a wild animal. 

Kurt’s heart sang softly at hearing Blaine refer to their first Christmas together, clearly implying that there would be more, but he wasn’t going to back down.

“Then you take it and use it. I don’t want it.” Kurt took a step back.

Blaine let his forced smile fall. “Dammit, Kurt, would you stop being so stubborn! Why won’t you just let me give you things?”

“Because it’s  too much , Blaine. I can’t– I can’t give you gifts half as nice as whatever is in that envelope.” Kurt thought of the coat he had made for Blaine that was wrapped neatly under the tree as his apartment. Yes, he’d spent the last six weeks or so designing and sewing it and he personally thought it looked amazing, but really, it had cost almost nothing to make and was the equivalent of a macaroni portrait on the gift-giving scale.

“It doesn’t matter to me what kind of gifts you give me. You can give me socks for all I care. I’ll just be happy to get anything from you, no matter what it is. What if  I couldn’t afford to get  you nice things and you could? Would you still be upset with me that our gifts aren’t of the same ‘caliber’?”

“Of course not,” Kurt answered immediately.

“So then why be upset with me now? Please, Kurt. Please just open the gift.” 

Kurt looked into Blaine’s pleading eyes and felt his resolve start to slip. He knew Blaine was right. It didn’t matter to Kurt what kind of gifts Blaine bought him and he would be happy with socks, too. It was a beautiful day and the day before Christmas and they were fighting and it was just so stupid. Still, Kurt had to try one last time.

“Can’t you just take it back?” he asked feebly.

Blaine sighed and looked at Kurt like he was disappointed in him. “Open it, and if you really, truly don’t want it, then yeah, I’ll return it.”

Blaine held the envelope out again, and this time Kurt reached for it. He opened it and pulled out two tickets for  _ Once  _ on Broadway for that night.

Tears sprung to Kurt’s eyes, because really, it was the perfect gift. Kurt remembered watching  _ Once _ with Blaine over and over again on his couch and practicing the song from the movie for their duet. He and Blaine had both talked about how great it would be to go see the musical that had won eight Tonys this season.

And now Kurt was holding tickets. And he wanted to go. He really,  _ really _ wanted to go. But Kurt checked the seats and knew the tickets were about two hundred dollars apiece.

Kurt looked up at Blaine and thought briefly about lying, but he and Blaine didn’t lie to each other, and Kurt wasn’t going to let his pride hurt Blaine more than it already had.

“So?” Blaine asked dejectedly, like he already knew what Kurt’s answer would be.

Kurt launched himself at Blaine, throwing his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. “They’re perfect,” he said.

Blaine laughed, surprised. “Really? You want to go?”

“Of course I want to go.” Kurt pulled back so he could look Blaine in the eyes. “Thank you so much,” he said, hoping Blaine could hear the “I’m sorry” in his words.

“Anytime,” Blaine replied, and Kurt knew that he did.

“Yoohoo, Kurt,” Blaine sing-songed.

“I’m sorry, what?” Kurt asked.

Blaine smiled indulgently. “I said, do you want to stop and get some coffee?” He pointed to a busy bakery with a silly name a little ways ahead of them.

Kurt nodded, and the boys headed into the warm building that smelled like chocolate chips and brown sugar and Heaven all rolled into one. Kurt nearly groaned in ecstasy. They stood at the back of the line and Blaine looked over at Kurt and laughed at how he was eying the display of cookies. 

“Do you want to get a cookie to share?” Blaine asked with a twinkle in his eye.

Kurt straightened up. He nearly had his nose pressed against the glass he was eyeing the desserts so closely. “We probably shouldn’t,” he hedged.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Blaine said.

When they got up to the cashier, Blaine grinned at the girl behind the counter and placed their order. “Can I please have a medium roast coffee, a nonfat mocha, and…” Blaine glanced at Kurt before saying, “a red velvet cookie.”

“Blaine,” Kurt said admonishingly.

“Kurt,” Blaine responded in the same tone. “It’s for me.”

The cashier laughed and Kurt huffed but otherwise didn’t say anything, not even when Blaine reached for his wallet and paid for their order. He decided they had had more than enough arguments over money and he didn’t care to get into another.

When they received their coffee and Blaine’s cookie, they opted to take them outside instead of trying to find a spot in the crowded bakery to sit.

The icy air hit Kurt’s face when Blaine opened the door, making him shiver. As they started walking down the street, he took a sip of his coffee to combat the cold and was happy to find that it was delicious. Good coffee was not always a given, especially at slightly overpriced bakeries in the theater district.

Blaine removed one of his gloves in order to properly eat his cookie. Kurt watched as Blaine ripped a piece off and put it in his mouth. He  moaned around the sweet, and Kurt positively began to salivate.

“Oh my god, baby, you have to try this,” Blaine said, his mouth full of cookie. Kurt knew Blaine got his favorite flavor of cookie to be spiteful, so he decided he was most definitely not going to eat any of it.

“No, thank you,” he said sweetly.

Blaine swallowed, looking at Kurt somewhat suspiciously. “Kurt, come on, just one bite won’t kill you.”

Kurt shook his head, making sure to not look at the cookie so Blaine wouldn’t see how much he secretly wanted it. “It’s going to make my coffee taste bad,” he said. Okay, it wasn’t  technically  a lie. The sugary treat would probably make his coffee taste overly bitter.

Blaine stopped and looked up at Kurt like he knew the game Kurt was playing and he planned on winning. “You’re seriously not going to take one bite?”

Kurt figured the jig was up, so he let the smug smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth free. “Not one,” he replied. So what if he had to go back to that damn bakery tomorrow and get one of those cookies? He was going to win.

Blaine looked at Kurt for a few long seconds. He transferred the bag with the cookie in it to the hand he was using to hold his coffee so his right hand was free. “Okay, fine,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly.

Without warning, he grabbed the back of Kurt’s neck with his free hand, pulling his face down until their lips met in a crushing kiss. Blaine’s tongue forced entry into Kurt’s open mouth, and Kurt tasted the buttery, creamy, sweet flavor of the cookie. He pressed his own tongue past Blaine’s lips, trying to extract as much of the flavor as possible.

When he was completely breathless, Blaine finally pulled away, giving Kurt the most self-satisfied grin he had ever seen.

“You are so  mean !” Kurt exclaimed, laughing.

“What?” Blaine said indignantly. “I figured it was the best of both worlds – all the flavor, none of the calories.”

Kurt groaned. “Give me a bite of that damn cookie,” he said.

“No, this is  my cookie. You said you didn’t want any.”

Kurt’s mouth gaped open. “Are you  serious ?”

“As a heart attack. Looks like you missed your chance.” Blaine shrugged dramatically and turned, walking away from Kurt.

“ Blaine _. _ ”

“ Kurt _. _ ”

Kurt walked up behind Blaine and pulled on his arm, turning him around. Before Blaine could catch on, he planted his mouth on the other boy’s, and while he was distracted, Kurt snatched the bag with the cookie out of his hand.

Kurt pulled away. Blaine lunged for the bag so Kurt held in high in the air above Blaine’s head and out of his reach.

“Kurt, give me back my cookie!” Blaine said, jumping as high as he dared with a full cup of coffee in hand.

Even with the added height of the jump, Kurt still managed to keep it well out of Blaine’s reach.

“Nope,” he said. “You were being mean. You don’t deserve this cookie.”

“ I  was being mean? You’re the one picking on me because I’m short!” He lunged for the cookie again and Kurt suddenly found it hilarious that he was holding a cookie over Blaine’s head in the middle of 45 th Street. He glanced around and saw a few people giving them strange looks and that only made him laugh harder.

“What?” Blaine asked, his eyes still twinkling from their game.

Kurt lowered his arm, but Blaine didn’t reach for the cookie that time. When Kurt finally quelled his giggles, he looked adoringly at his boyfriend, noticing the stray curl of hair on his forehead, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, his pink cheeks, his big, golden eyes. Kurt had never seen someone more beautiful.

“I love you,” Kurt said. He had never known anything with more certainty.

Blaine looked pleasantly surprised, but then a smile settled on his face and Kurt could tell that he knew, too. “Kurt, I’m so in love with you,” he replied before Kurt could even be afraid that maybe he wouldn’t say it back.

Kurt didn’t know who initiated it, but suddenly they were kissing and it was so different from their other kisses. It was slow and sweet and as full of all the love they had just proclaimed as either could make it.

*~*

They shared the cookie.

Between bites they punctuated the sweet taste with little kisses, and Kurt decided Blaine was probably his favorite flavor of all.

*~*

The next morning, Blaine was curled up around Kurt, snuggled into his side to escape the cold. Kurt’s loft didn’t have the best heating, but Blaine would choose waking up freezing with Kurt than waking up warm but alone at his own apartment any day.

Some people might find it weird that Blaine and Kurt slept together without  _ sleeping _ together, but it worked for them. Ever since Kurt had gotten drunk and stayed the night at Blaine’s, they had made crashing at each other’s apartments a regular thing, and when they had gotten together, it was just a natural progression to sleep cuddled up next to each other.

And Blaine never slept better than when he was in Kurt’s arms.

Blaine heard a knock at the front door, loud and insistent and he realized what had woken him up. “Kurt.” He shook Kurt’s arm and Kurt groaned. “Someone’s at the door,” Blaine said without opening his eyes.

Kurt buried his face in Blaine’s neck. “Well, go see who it is,” he mumbled.

“Your loft,” Blaine said, pulling the covers tighter.

“Mmm, too cold,” Kurt said.

Blaine heard the knocking again, even louder this time. “Kurt,” Blaine groaned.

“If you loved me you would go see who’s at the door,” Kurt said matter-of-factly.

Blaine peeked one eye open to look at Kurt. Seriously? They had been saying it for one day and Kurt was already using it against him?

Blaine sighed but crawled out of bed, swearing softly as his feet hit the icy floor. He always wore socks to bed when he slept over at Kurt’s but every time he managed to kick them off in the middle of the night. 

As he made his way quickly through the loft he cursed Rachel and her noise cancelling ear plugs that helped her “maximize sleep time in order to be fully refreshed each morning.”

He slid the door open, not really sure who to expect in the early morning on Christmas Eve. As such, he was definitely surprised to see Finn standing on the other side of the open door.

“Finn?” Blaine asked, rubbing his eyes blearily. 

“Uh, hey, Blaine.” Finn sounded just as surprised to see Blaine. His eyes were comically wide and his cheeks were starting to redden. It took Blaine a second to realize that Finn must think if Blaine was spending the night, then he and Kurt must be…

“Uh, come on in,” Blaine said, shuffling his feet. “Rachel and Kurt are still asleep.”

“Yeah, sorry to, um, wake you guys. My bus just got in, so I came straight here.” Finn was having trouble meeting Blaine’s eyes and honestly, Blaine thought that was best for their current situation.

Blaine ran a hand through his unruly morning hair, trying to give it some order. “Right, well. You can just…” Blaine gestured awkwardly to the living room, “and I’ll go wake them up.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that…” Finn trailed off.

“No, it’s fine. They would want to know you’re here anyway.”

“Okay, then.” He walked over to the couch and set his bag down somewhat stiffly.

Blaine high-tailed it back into Kurt’s room, closing the door firmly behind him.

“Kurt, wake up,” Blaine said insistently.

“Mmmm,” Kurt moaned, rolling over and burying his face in his pillow.

“ Kurt ,” Blaine said. When Kurt didn’t respond, Blaine crawled in the bed with him, kissing the back of Kurt’s neck. When Kurt still didn’t stir, he stuck his cold feet against the exposed areas of Kurt’s ankles at the bottom of his pajama pants.

Kurt hissed and jerked away, but Blaine pushed his feet further, keeping them on Kurt’s warm skin.

Kurt gave up and just moaned pitifully, letting Blaine’s icy toes stay on his ankles.

Blaine laughed. “Kurt, baby, you need to wake up.”

“Why?” Kurt croaked.

“Finn is here,” Blaine said in a loud whisper, “and I’m pretty sure he’s like five seconds away from giving me the ‘What are your intentions with my brother?’ speech, so you need to get up and go talk to him.”

Kurt sat up, looking confused. “Wait, what? Finn is here?”

“Yeah, in the living room. Right now.”

Kurt groaned again, but slowly got up out of bed. Blaine followed him, watching jealously as Kurt’s socked feet padded across his bedroom floor to the door.

“Hey, wait,” Blaine said.

Kurt turned around and Blaine stood on his tiptoes to give Kurt a chaste kiss on the lips. “Good morning, my love,” he said sweetly.

Pink tinged Kurt’s cheeks as he smiled and replied, “Good morning.”

Kurt turned and opened his bedroom door.

Blaine listened as Kurt greeted Finn with a hug and asked him what he was doing there, but instead of joining them Blaine cut across the apartment to Rachel’s door, knocking once before entering. He knew she wouldn’t hear him knock, anyway.

She was lying in her big bed, wearing one of those eye-masks covering her face.

“Rachel,” Blaine sing-songed, “It’s time to get uuup.”

She didn’t stir like Blaine knew she wouldn’t, so he decided it was time for payback. He grabbed her comforter by the end and snatched it off her bed. Rachel yelped and curled in on herself in the fetal position.

She sat up, snatching her face mask off and pulling out her ear plugs. She glared at Blaine fiercely. “Blaine!  What ? ”

“It’s time to get up,” he repeated with a big smile. “You have a visitor.”

“Who?” she asked irritably.

“You’ll have to come see.” Rachel lunged for her comforter, but Blaine snatched it out of reach, setting it on her dresser. “Come on, Sleeping Beauty. It’s Christmas.”

Rachel flopped back on her pillow with a groan. “I hate you,” she said as Blaine turned and exited her room.

“You love me,” he said over his shoulder.

When Blaine got back in the living room, Finn was telling Kurt a story about something a boy named Puck had done. Blaine kept picturing the fairy from  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ , though he vaguely remembered meeting someone with that name at Rachel’s a few weeks ago. He thought it might have been a guy with a mohawk.

“…teen minutes into the final, Puck bursts into the room with his guitar and some guys from the music department and starts playing ‘Hot for Teacher’ like we live in a music video or something.”

“No!” Kurt exclaimed, his hand covering his mouth. “You’re making that up. He did  not _. _ Surely even Puck knows better than to do something like that.”

Blaine went and sat next to Kurt, listening to their conversation but not wanting to interject.

Finn held up three fingers. “I swear on my life.”

“What happened?” Kurt asked, scandalized.

“When he finishes, the class breaks out into applause. People are clapping and cheering. Then, it’s like this weird feeling goes across the room as we all remember we’re takin’ a test and what’s she gonna do, you know? Everyone quiets down and I’m sitting here thinking, like, man, Puck’s such an idiot. He’s going to get himself expelled or something.”

“So, what did the professor do?” Kurt asked, unable to contain his excitement.

“Here’s the most unbelievable part. She’s looking at Puck and she looks  pissed and she says, ‘Mr. Puckerman, this is an exam. I encourage you leave your antics at the door and come get a copy of the test.’”

“No!” Kurt replied, delighted. “He didn’t get in trouble at  all ?” Blaine smiled to himself. He was having more fun watching Kurt’s reaction to the ridiculous story than actually hearing the story itself.

Finn shook his head. “She didn’t even send him out. The other guys left, and Puck came and sat down and took his test like nothing had happened.”

“I just can’t believe that,” Kurt said.

Just then, Rachel walked into the room. She made sure to glare at Blaine, before turning to see just who their visitor was. She stopped in her tracks and stared at Finn. “ Finn ? What are you doing here?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too, Rachel,” Finn said with a shy smile, standing.

“No, I didn’t mean that, I just meant we weren’t expecting you.” 

“Yeah, well,” Finn replied with an awkward shrug. “Burt and Carol went on a cruise, and I didn’t really want to spend Christmas alone.”

“No, of course,” Rachel said. “You’re welcome any time.” She came over and gave Finn a tentative hug. Well, it started off tentative, but then she melted into his arms with practiced ease like she was made to be there. 

Blaine gave Kurt an inquisitive look, but Kurt just mouthed, “I’ll tell you later.”

*~*

And that’s how the four of them ended up together on Christmas Eve. After getting over the initial awkwardness of Finn showing up, they spent the rest of the day holed up in the loft baking cookies, drinking hot cocoa, watching Christmas movies, and playing games.

Blaine absolutely loved Finn. How could he not? Finn was so goofy and warm, and Blaine was damn near green with envy that Kurt had all these wonderful people in his life. Blaine knew that Kurt had had a difficult time in high school, but he was so, so thankful that Kurt had had these beautiful, accepting people surrounding him through it.

He only hoped he could be counted among them.

He didn’t stray very far from Kurt that day, making sure that their hands or their knees or occasionally their lips were always brushing to punctuate the words they’d shared the night before.

Around five o'clock they were sitting curled up on the couch watching  _ It’s a Wonderful Life _ . Kurt said it was his favorite Christmas movie, and Blaine really didn’t need any more confirmation that they were perfect for each other.

When Blaine’s favorite part came up, he whispered the words with George Bailey in Kurt’s ear. “‘What is it you want, Kurt? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon.’”

Kurt smiled at Blaine. Playing along, he said, “‘I’ll take it. Then what?’”

Blaine recited, “‘Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair...am I talking too much?’”

Kurt laughed. “Yes.” He leaned forward and kissed Blaine softly. Blaine looked up and saw Rachel and Finn staring at them endearingly and he blushed.

Blaine twined his fingers through Kurt’s and they settled in to finish the movie.

When it was over, Finn yawned and stood up, stretching. “What’s on the agenda now?” he asked.

“Callbacks,” Rachel, Blaine, and Kurt said nearly simultaneously. They all laughed as Finn stared at them strangely. 

Rachel had clued Kurt and Blaine in on a NYADA tradition for students who lived in the city or didn’t go home for the holidays. Apparently Callbacks had this tradition every year on Christmas Eve. They would get a band instead of just the piano they had normally and do Christmas themed karaoke.

The foursome got up to change out of their pajamas and into something more fitting for Callbacks. Blaine was excited to see some of their mutual friends from school. He had missed goofing off with Kelsey in their acting class, and he hadn’t seen her since the final performances last week.

When they got to Kurt’s room, Kurt stared into his closest with his hands on his hips, carefully considering what he would wear that night. Blaine pulled a pair of jeans out of his drawer in Kurt’s dresser and asked, “So, what’s up with Rachel and Finn?”

“Oh, right!” Kurt said, turning away from his closet to look at Blaine. “Story time! I can’t believe I never told you this. I guess it never came up.” Kurt paused, and Blaine raised his eyebrows at him, urging him to continue. Kurt began the story in a hushed tone so his voice wouldn’t carry through the thin walls. “Okay, it all started sophomore year. Finn was the star quarterback, right? So naturally he was dating the head cheerleader, Quinn.”

“Naturally,” Blaine said rolling his eyes. He pulled down his sweatpants and pulled on his jeans. It wasn’t until he had buttoned them that he noticed Kurt’s eyes fixed on his fingers.

“So, um...” Kurt stuttered, glancing away. “Mr. Shue, our glee teacher, decided to start a glee club at McKinley. I and a couple other loser types joined including Rachel, but we needed a lot more people to compete or really even just put together a decent routine.”

Blaine stopped digging through his drawer for a shirt to match his pants and looked up at Kurt. “Kurt, you are not a loser.”

“No, I know,” Kurt replied, waving his hand. “I just meant in context of the school. Anyway, Mr. Shue somehow found out Finn could actually sing, so he blackmailed him into joining the club. At first there was a lot of conflict with him being in football and glee, but long story short, some of the other football players and cheerleaders joined, and it all kind of worked out.”

“Was Finn’s cheerleader girlfriend one of the ones that joined?” Blaine asked.

“Yeah.” Kurt nodded. “It turned out Finn had kind of a thing for Rachel, God knows why. I think he liked how genuine she was, despite being kind of insufferable. If you think she’s bad now, you should have seen sixteen-year-old Rachel.” Kurt grimaced, reminiscing. “Okay, so fast forward a bit. We have enough numbers to compete and even some cool kids in the club. Then Quinn gets pregnant.”

“Wait,  what ? ” Blaine asked incredulously. They had abandoned getting dressed, so caught up they were in the story. “Finn has a  kid ?”

Kurt shook his head. “I’m getting there. Finn was pretty much on board to drop Quinn and get with Rachel, but then he found out he got her pregnant, so he decided to ‘do the right thing’ and be with her to help her take care of the baby. Only it turns out he didn’t get her pregnant.  His best friend did. ”

Blaine literally gasped. “Oh my G od!  Your high school was like an episode of  _ Days of Our Lives _ !”

Kurt smiled, clearly enjoying seeing someone else appreciate the drama of his adolescence. “I know, right? So, he drops Quinn and gets with Rachel. They were sometimes on again, off again, but they stayed together and held a torch for each other all through high school and then senior year, they got engaged.”

“Really?” Blaine asked, eyes wide. He had no idea Kurt’s best friend and step brother had such a strong connection.

Kurt nodded again. “Yeah, and they were pretty much all set to get married, even almost went through with it once. But for some reason or another, it kept getting pushed off. And then our college letters came in. We all had this big plan to move out here together, only Finn and I didn’t get in anywhere in the city, but Rachel obviously got into NYADA.” Blaine nodded. “She was actually going to defer her acceptance, but then at the last minute Finn brought her to the train station and told her that he couldn’t let her give up her dreams for him. And he put her on a train.”

“Wow,” Blaine said. “That’s incredibly romantic.”

“It took a while, but Rachel finally understood that he did it out of love,” Kurt said.

“So, that’s it? They’ve been broken up ever since?” Blaine asked.

“Pretty much. Finn went to Ohio State to major in music education and Rachel came to New York. They talked for a little bit in the beginning about getting back together after Rachel got over him sending her away, but I think they both just decided the long distance thing would be too hard and that they were better off just being friends.”

“Huh,” Blaine said, breathing out a huff of air. “That kind of sucks.”

Kurt turned back to his closet, but as Blaine chose a polo shirt from his drawer, he sensed his boyfriend had more to say on the subject. “I don’t know.” Kurt finally said. “I mean, I love them both, but honestly, they were a disaster as a couple. Clingy, needy, cheating, drama. I can’t help but think maybe they  are better off.”

Blaine finished pulling his shirt over his head and crossed the room. He wrapped his arms around Kurt’s waist and stretched to put his chin on Kurt’s shoulder. “Sometimes that’s just part of it, you know?” he said. “Even I can see how crazy they are about each other, but I think you’re never better off without the person you love.”

Kurt didn’t reply and Blaine was about to let him go when Kurt said softly, “I just don’t know if I believe that.”

Blaine considered his boyfriend’s words for a second. “Me either,” he replied. “But I want to.”


	14. A Beautiful Sight, We're Happy Tonight

The subway ride to Manhattan was uneventful, and before Kurt knew it he was pulling the door open to Callbacks. It had been almost a month since he had been there, what with the holidays and finals taking up so much of his free time.

Since they’d last been there, it looked like Christmas had exploded all over the bar. There was a big tree in the corner, white Christmas lights hung from the ceiling, the walls, and the length of the bar. There was mistletoe hanging haphazardly, and most notably, the place was  packed _. _ Rachel hadn’t been kidding when she said it was a pretty popular event.

Kurt spotted Kelsey sitting at a table with a couple of their other friends. Kelsey saw them come in, so she waved the foursome over. When they got to the table, Finn was introduced to everyone and then removed their coats and settled in.

“I’m loving the band!” Kurt said to Kelsey, watching as a blond girl sang an upbeat version of “Jingle Bell Rock.”

Kelsey nodded. “It’s a lot more festive!”

Just then, a waiter came around and gave them all glasses of eggnog. It was apparently a staple of the Callbacks Christmas Eve Extravaganza, so even though Kurt wasn’t a big fan of eggnog, he took a hesitant sip anyway. The drink had a spicy aftertaste, which Kurt deduced pretty quickly was probably rum. He took another sip and was surprised to find he thought it was delicious.

Blaine stood up next to him and Kurt turned from his cup to see where he was going. Blaine just touched his shoulder affectionately and smiled before walking over to near where the band was playing. Blaine bent over and Kurt realized he was signing up to sing. Kurt rolled his eyes. He should have known.

Blaine rejoined them at the table and Kurt gave him a playful look but didn’t otherwise say anything.

The conversation flowed smoothly – as did the liquored-up eggnog – and Kurt felt himself beginning to loosen up as the alcohol took effect. He was laughing at something funny Kelsey had said when he heard his and Blaine's names called on the microphone. He looked around, confused, and then stopped when he saw Blaine’s shitty grin. 

“Blaine, seriously?” Kurt asked, exasperated. Not that he didn’t like singing duets with Blaine, but he could use a little warning.

Blaine hopped down from his tall chair and grabbed Kurt’s hands. “C’mon, Kurt, it’s our first Christmas together. Please come sing with me.”

Kurt just sighed. There was no way he could say no to Blaine’s charming smile, especially not with the warmth growing in his belly.

He slid off his own stool and followed Blaine to the stage, Kelsey smacking his ass as he passed her. “Have fun!” she called. She’d apparently been hitting the eggnog pretty hard, too.

They got to the stage and Blaine high-fived Pascal, who was posted up in his usual position at the piano. That eggnog was diabolical. Everyone in the bar seemed to be at least slightly intoxicated on the free booze and Christmas cheer.

The band began to play and Kurt laughed, delighted, realizing he’d forgotten to ask what song they were even singing.

With a smile and a wink at Kurt, Blaine began to sing.

Blaine:  
_Sleigh bells ring_  
_Are you listening_  
_In the lane_  
_Snow is glistening_  
_A beautiful sight_  
_We're happy tonight_  
_Walking in a winter wonderland_  


Kurt held the microphone away from his face and laughed. It really was the perfect song. It may not have started snowing yet, but New York City during the holidays really was a winter wonderland, and damn it if he wasn’t ridiculously happy tonight.

Kurt:  
_Gone away is the bluebird_  
_Here to stay is a new bird_  
_He sings a love song_  
_As we go along_  
_Walking in a winter wonderland_  


Everyone was clapping along and Kurt laughed as Finn whooped loudly.

Blaine:  
_In the meadow we can build a snowman_  
_Then pretend that he is Parson Brown_  


Kurt tilted his microphone and it teetered dangerously before coming back to him. 

Kurt:  
_He'll say "Are you married?"_  
_We'll say "No Man"_  
_But you can do the job_  
_When you're in town_  


They removed their microphones from the stands and stood back to back, singing.

Blaine & Kurt:  
_Later on_  
_We'll conspire_  
_As we dream by the fire_  
_To face unafraid_  
_The plans that we've made_  
_Walking in a winter wonderland_  


Kurt sang the next lines, and then Blaine echoed him. Loud cheering rang out again and Kurt caught sight of Rachel, smiling and clapping, but looking at Finn.

Kurt & (Blaine):  
_ In the meadow we can build a snowman _ _  
_ _ (In the meadow we can build a snowman) _

_ And pretend that he's a circus clown _ _  
_ _ (And pretend that he's a circus clown) _

Kurt knocked into Blaine with his shoulder playfully.

Kurt:  
_ We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman _

Blaine shrugged, raising his eyebrows.

__

Blaine & Kurt:  
_ Until the other kiddies knock him down _

Kurt & (Blaine):  
_ Sleigh bells ring _ __  
_ Are you listening _ _  
_ _ (Sleigh bells ring)_

Blaine & Kurt:  
_In the lane_  
_Snow is glistening_  
_A beautiful sight_  
_We’re happy tonight_  


Kurt knew he couldn’t have meant it more when he sang that he was happy tonight, and the sparkle in Blaine’s eyes told Kurt that he felt the same.

Blaine:  
_ Walking in a winter wonderland _ _  
_

Kurt:  
_ Walking in a winter wonderland _

Blaine & Kurt:  
_ Walking in a winter wonderland _

They finished with a high note and everyone cheered. Kurt knew everyone was in such high spirits that they would have cheered even if he and Blaine had sucked, but it didn’t matter.

Kurt wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. “I love you,” he said over the noise. He didn’t think he would ever get tired of saying it.

“I love you, too,” Blaine said, squeezing Kurt tightly.

*~*

A few hours later, the foursome stumbled drunkenly back into Kurt and Rachel’s apartment. A little while after Blaine and Kurt’s duet, Finn sang a song for Rachel about coming home for Christmas and there was some definite tension between the two of them after that. Blaine being the most sober of the group made the executive decision that they should go home.

Kurt pulled on Blaine’s hand, and Blaine suddenly remembered how…  passionate Kurt got when he’d been drinking. Cheeks flushed, Blaine shot a quick glance over his shoulder at Finn and Rachel before following Kurt into his room. They seemed to be wrapped up in each other and Finn didn’t look like he was about to punch Blaine in the face for defiling his brother, so Blaine took that as a sign that it was okay to close Kurt’s bedroom door behind him.

The door had barely closed when Kurt pushed Blaine against it and Kurt’s mouth was on his. Blaine laughed, surprised by the suddenness of it, but then Kurt took Blaine’s bottom lip between his teeth and he moaned.

Blaine grabbed Kurt’s hips and pulled them flush against his own. After a few tries, Kurt wrenched off his gloves, tossing them on the floor and threaded his hands through Blaine’s curls. Blaine was suddenly aware of how much clothing they were wearing and began the arduous task of removing Kurt’s and his own winter gear.

He fumbled with the complicated knot on Kurt’s scarf, and then pulled it from around his neck. He quickly unbuttoned Kurt’s pea coat and dropped it on the floor.

Kurt brought his hands down and pulled Blaine’s scarf off. After unbuttoned his own jacket, Blaine shrugged it off. He groaned in frustration when he ran his hands down Kurt’s chest and felt the complicated vest he had on. It was covered in buttons and zippers and Blaine began pulling at it aimlessly, trying to figure out how to get it off.

Without removing his mouth from Blaine’s, Kurt smacked his hand and undid a few hidden clasps before shrugging the vest off and tossing it on the chair near his vanity. Blaine chuckled but was actually glad to see Kurt wasn’t too far gone to worry about the state of his clothes.

As much as Blaine wanted to rip Kurt’s shirt off of him, he knew Kurt would absolutely kill him, so instead took his time removing Kurt’s button-up. When he finally pulled it off his shoulders, he groaned loudly to find that Kurt was wearing yet  _ another  _ shirt.

“Seriously?” he said, detaching his mouth from Kurt’s. “You are wearing entirely too many layers.” He kissed along Kurt’s jaw and down to his neck as he untucked Kurt’s tank top. He snatched it over Kurt’s head and  finally  Kurt was shirtless.

Blaine pushed his lips against Kurt’s again, hard and wanting. With his hands on Kurt’s bare abdomen, he began pushing Kurt back gently until his legs hit the edge of his mattress. Kurt sank down, laying on his back and Blaine crawled on top of him. After toying with the edge of Blaine’s sweater, Kurt pulled it and Blaine’s undershirt over his head.

Blaine shivered when the icy air in Kurt’s bedroom hit his bare skin. Kurt’s hands roam up and down his abdomen, his muscles twitching in response.

When he felt Kurt’s fingers stray to the button on his pants, Blaine pulled his mouth away, panting heavily. “How drunk are you?” he asked.

“What?” Kurt said, his fingers stilling. 

Blaine examined Kurt’s lust-blown pupils. “How drunk are you, really?” he asked again.

It took Kurt a few seconds to catch up with Blaine, but he finally realized what the other boy was getting at. “I feel kind of fuzzy,” he said, “but I only had a few glasses of eggnog. I’m not completely wasted or anything.”

“Are you sure?” Blaine inspected his slightly glassy eyes warily.

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Yes, Blaine, I’m sure.” He tried to reattach his lips to Blaine’s, but Blaine lifted his face out of Kurt’s reach.

“Promise me you’ll remember anything we do tomorrow.” Blaine could feel how hard Kurt was against his inner thigh and it was physically aching him not to grind against him, but he had to make sure he wouldn’t be taking advantage.

Kurt groaned. “You’re kind of ruining the mood here.”

Blaine flashed a wicked smile and pressed himself briefly against Kurt’s cock. “Doesn’t seem like it,” he said.

Kurt whimpered, hips thrusting up of their own volition to maintain that delicious friction, but Blaine leaned away, keeping them separate. Kurt groaned again. “I promise! I promise I’ll remember.”

Blaine kissed Kurt hard and long but still didn’t lower his hips. He loved hearing the little sounds of frustration Kurt was making in the back of his throat and wanted to prolong them for as long as possible, even if it was making his pants painfully tight.

He pulled his mouth away, teasing Kurt one last time. “Swear on your new Marc Jacobs blazer.”

Kurt growled. “I’ll swear on anything you want if you would just take off your fucking pants!”

Hearing Kurt swear suddenly highlighted the contrast of Kurt’s wide, innocent eyes and sweet face against his kiss-swollen lips and lust-blown pupils. It was too much for Blaine. He wasn’t interesting in teasing Kurt anymore. He needed him naked. Now.

Sensing that Blaine wasn’t going to stop him, Kurt fumbled with the button on Blaine’s pants again, this time succeeding in popping them open.

Blaine kicked off his shoes as Kurt shoved Blaine’s pants forcefully down around his thighs. He reached for Blaine’s boxer briefs, but Blaine grabbed his hands before he could get them down. 

“Let’s have sex,” Kurt said breathily into Blaine’s ear, pulling on the waistband of Blaine’s underwear again.

Panic seized Blaine’s entire body. He had thought maybe that’s where they were headed, but when Kurt said the words… 

Blaine stilled Kurt’s hand. He pulled away from him to meet his eyes. “Kurt,” Blaine said slowly, trying desperately to catch his breath. “Not tonight.”

“Why not?” Kurt asked, rejection coloring his tone.

Blaine wracked his brain, looking for a reason that would get through to Kurt. He was relieved when he came up with something true – he had never lied to Kurt and he didn’t plan on starting now. “I don’t want your first time to be like this. I want it to be special. You deserve that,” Blaine said, infusing his voice with the sincerity he felt with the statement.

“I don’t need candles or rose petals or whatever else you had in mind. I just want you.” 

Blaine’s heart started pounding. He felt like the room was suddenly much too small. “You’ve been drinking-"

“I’m not drunk,” Kurt interjected.

Blaine lifted himself off of Kurt, putting space between the two of them, face apologetic but making his answer clear and Kurt’s face crumpled.

“Let’s just go to bed,” Kurt said, voice thick with unshed tears.

“Kurt…” Blaine said, but he didn’t know how to finish, didn’t know what he could say to make Kurt feel better.

“It’s fine, we’ll talk about it later, okay?” Kurt said this to the wall as he stood up, pulling his boxer briefs back on and crossing the room to click the light off. Blaine’s mother had always told him to way to a healthy relationship was to never go to bed angry, but neither he or Kurt were angry exactly, and honestly, Blaine had no idea what more either one of them could say right then.

“Okay,” he finally answered softly, lifting the comforter and climbing beneath it. But he resolved that they would  definitely talk about it later.

*~*

The next morning was Christmas, and if Kurt was a little distant early in the day, by mid-afternoon he had warmed up to Blaine again, their argument from the night before forgotten in the wake of his favorite holiday. 

Kurt had always loved Christmas. When he was little, his mother had always made a huge deal of decorating the house, baking goodies, watching Christmas movies and singing carols at the top of her lungs while doing all of it. After she died, Kurt thought Christmas would make him unbearably sad when it came around, but he actually found that in trying to recreate all of their Christmas traditions, he had never felt closer to her.

Even still, the smell of pine brought back the trill of his mother’s laughter, which was why he insisted they have a real tree every year even though they couldn’t really afford it.

This year he looked forward to recreating some of those traditions with Blaine, Rachel, and Finn - some of his favorite people in the world.

After a day full of joy, amazing gifts (Blaine had loved his coat, of course, which made Kurt extremely happy), and lots of laughter and hot cocoa, the four of them found themselves at the bus station, sending Finn on his way back to Ohio.

Finn gave Blaine a hug first, patting him on his back. “I’ll see ya, man. Take care of my baby brother, alright?”

Blaine nodded vigorously at Finn’s wide smile and stepped aside so Finn could hug Rachel.  After a prolonged hug full of tension and unspoken words on both sides, they released each other.

“Bye, Finn,” Rachel said softly, eyes cast down.

“Bye, Rachel."


	15. Round and Around and Around and Around We Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the thing. I wrote everything up to this point around like 2013 and then ended up abandoning it right around when Cory died. I kind of forgot about it, but then someone reached out to me recently and asked if I had ever finished it. I hadn't, but I decided to. All this to say, if you notice a stylistic or quality shift at this point, it's because it was written about four years after the previous parts. Hopefully it won't be too jarring.

They briefly considered going to Times Square for New Year’s Eve, but they decided against it. Kurt wasn’t really one for crowds, and Times Square on New Years was the biggest crowd there was. They spent the night in Brooklyn instead, away from the crazy Manhattan crowds. Rachel and Alec joined them as they drank champagne and watched the ball drop on tv.

The following week, classes picked back up for the spring semester. Kurt tried not to be too disappointed by the fact that he and Blaine didn’t have any classes together. It really sucked, though, if he was being honest.

The truth was Blaine had been acting a little tense since their not-fight on Christmas Eve. They still spent most of their free time together, but it seemed like things had cooled off between them in terms of intimacy. Ever since they had started dating, the had devoted whole blissful afternoons to steamy makeout sessions. It never really progressed much further than that, mostly because Kurt wasn’t really comfortable with doing more until he was sure that he loved Blaine and was loved by him.

But the thing was now he was sure, and he wanted Blaine. He was ready for them to be intimate at the highest level. He just didn’t really know how to express that to Blaine. He was the awkward virgin in this scenario; he had zero experience initiating sex. Add on top of that the sting of rejection he still felt from that night, and he was left feeling frustrated to say the least.

Kurt did what he could to drop hints, but every time he attempted to deepen a kiss or get his hands under Blaine’s clothes, Blaine would tense up or pull away. 

They were sitting on Blaine’s couch after a long day of work for Kurt and rehearsals for Blaine - he had gotten a part in NYADA’s spring production,  _ Company _ . Leftover sushi covered the coffee table in front of them, and the latest episode of  _ Real Housewives _ was playing on Blaine’s ridiculously oversized television. Kurt was leaning on Blaine’s side, and Blaine had an arm wrapped around him. Blaine’s thumb was absently rubbing back and forth on the little sliver of skin on Kurt’s hip that was peeking out above his jeans.

Kurt took a deep breath, feeling a little bloated but so content in Blaine’s arms. He turned, burying his head in Blaine’s neck and breathing in his scent. His hip was tingling where Blaine was touching his bare skin. Kurt started pressing open-mouthed kisses on Blaine’s neck, running his tongue over the smooth skin there.

Blaine craned his neck, giving Kurt better access. He didn’t look away from the tv, but Kurt could tell he had Blaine’s attention now. Kurt kissed up Blaine’s neck and along the sharp edge of his jaw. Kurt nipped him with his teeth, smirking when he heard a sharp inhale.

Blaine turned his head, meeting Kurt’s mouth in a heated kiss. Kurt was man enough to admit he wasn’t the best kisser in the world before he and Blaine got together, but he’d always been a quick study. 

He surged up, turning more fully toward Blaine and sliding his hand through Blaine’s short, soft curls. Blaine fit his hands around Kurt’s hips, gripping him tightly as their kiss got more heated. Lifting his leg, Kurt straddled Blaine’s thighs, settling his weight on Blaine’s lap. 

Blaine pulled Kurt closer, grinding their hips together. The friction against Kurt’s rapidly growing erection felt fantastic. He moaned into Blaine’s mouth, a filthy, needy sound.

Kurt pulled his hands out of Blaine’s hair and brought them down to shove Blaine’s shirt up and run his hands over his taught stomach. Blaine bit Kurt’s bottom lip, then sucked on it as he fumbled with the buttons on Kurt’s shirt.

Blaine pushed Kurt’s shirt off his shoulders and onto the floor behind him. He broke their kiss to pull Kurt’s undershirt up and over his head, tossing it on the couch. Kurt breathed out harshly when Blaine attached his mouth to Kurt’s collarbone and began sucking a bruise into the pale skin there.

He bit his lip, suppressing the desperate, keening noises that were coming out of his throat unbidden. “Blaine, we should- bed.”  _ That was almost a sentence _ , Kurt thought.

Blaine didn’t respond to Kurt’s words, though. He just kissed up his neck, pressing his lips in a warm circle around Kurt’s Adam’s apple.

“Blaine,” Kurt tried again. He brought his hand back up, gripping the back of Blaine’s head with his long fingers. “The bed.”

With a tremendous amount of will, Kurt tugged on the Blaine’s hair to get him to relinquish his neck. Blaine gazed up at Kurt with glazed eyes. Kurt slid back off of Blaine’s lap, carefully placing his feet behind him to stand.

He reached out a hand to Blaine. After a brief pause, Blaine took it, pulling himself up off of the couch. Kurt led them to Blaine’s bedroom. He turned around, sitting on the bed and pulling Blaine between his spread legs.

Blaine looked down at him with hooded eyes. He reached behind his head and pulled his shirt up and over, tossing it on the floor behind him. Kurt didn’t break his gaze as he pressed open-mouthed kisses to Blaine’s abdomen. His heart was fluttering in his chest as he reached out slowly and unfastened the button on Blaine’s jeans.

Blaine didn’t motion to stop him, so Kurt unzipped Blaine’s jeans and tugged them down his thighs. They fell to the floor and Blaine kicked them off behind him.

Blaine was hard, straining against his gray boxer briefs in a way that made Kurt’s mouth water. With trembling hands, he reached out to the edges of Blaine’s underwear on his hips. 

“Kurt, wait.” Blaine reached down, placing his hands on top of Kurt’s. Kurt stilled, leaning back and looking at Blaine more fully. Blaine cleared his throat. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Yes,” Kurt said immediately. He flushed at how eager he sounded. “I mean, if you want to. I definitely- I feel ready.”

“I just-” Blaine looked away. “After everything you told me, you know, with Kar-”

Kurt snatched his hands away from Blaine’s, leaning farther away to put space between them. “Do  _ not _ say his name right now when we’re about to-”

“Hey, okay.” Blaine reached out and grabbed Kurt’s face gently, tilting it up to look him in the eye. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to feel any pressure.”

Kurt scoffed. “Honestly, I’m kind of feeling the opposite of pressure from you, Blaine. Do you even  want me...in that way?” Kurt looked down, unable to look into Blaine’s careful gaze.

“Of  course ,” Blaine knelt until they were eye level. “I don’t know how that’s even a question. I want you so much I can’t think straight sometimes.” Blaine rubbed his thumb back and forth over Kurt’s lips. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”

Kurt snorted air out of his nose, but he couldn’t help the uptick of his lips into a slight smile. “I want you, too. I love you, and more than that, I feel really safe with you.”

Blaine’s adam’s apple bobbed in a thick swallow. He nodded slowly. “Okay. You’re sure?”

“I’m so sure,” Kurt said, smiling softly. “Thank you for checking, though.”

“Always.” Blaine took a shaky breath, and pulled Kurt into a slow, deep kiss. Kurt leaned back, not moving his lips from Blaine’s as he laid down across the bed. Blaine followed, climbing up and straddling Kurt’s hips.

Blaine reached between them, unbuttoning Kurt’s jeans and helping him shimmy out of them. Kurt scooted up the bed until his head rested on the pillows. Blaine kissed down his chest and pulled his underwear down his legs, throwing them off the bed.

Blaine sat back on his haunches, raking his eyes down Kurt’s naked body. Kurt felt himself flush deeply, his skin turning rosy from his cheeks down to the top of his chest. “So beautiful,” Blaine whispered fervently.

He captured Kurt’s mouth in a kiss, pulling down and kicking off his own underwear as he lowered his body on top of Kurt’s. Blaine rolled his hips down, pressing their hard cocks together with slow, teasing friction. Kurt gasped sharply into Blaine’s open mouth, his hips bucking up erratically.

Blaine pressed his mouth into Kurt’s even harder, then sucked Kurt’s bottom lip into his mouth. He relinquished Kurt’s lip, leaving it feeling tingly and swollen. Blaine began kissing his way down Kurt’s neck and chest, stopping at his pale, angular hipbones. Blaine laved his tongue over the area before attaching his mouth and sucking a bruise on Kurt’s porcelain skin.

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, hissing at the slight sting. Blaine detached his mouth, and Kurt opened his eyes and watched as Blaine pressed a kiss over the dark mark. Blaine worked his mouth over Kurt’s skin to his groin. He looked up at Kurt with lust-blown pupils as he grabbed Kurt where he was now rock-hard and ran his tongue up the underside of his erection.

Kurt let out a shaky sound somewhere between a moan and a groan. Without breaking his gaze, Blaine lowered his mouth over the head of Kurt’s dick, swallowing him down expertly. Kurt took a deep breath, digging his fingers into Blaine’s sheets. He had to look away from Blaine to keep himself from blowing his load right there.

It didn’t much help, though. It only seemed to make Kurt hyperfocused on how warm and wet Blaine’s mouth was around him. Blaine bobbed up and a down a few times, taking more of Kurt each time. Kurt was just about to reach out and pull on his hair to get him to stop before this was over embarrassingly fast when Blaine pulled off of him.

Kurt’s eyes flew open to watch Blaine climb up the bed. He reached over to his nightstand to pull out a small bottle of lube and a condom. Kurt felt something like nerves flutter in his stomach. Blaine leaned over Kurt again and kissed him on the mouth. He tasted his own salty precum on Blaine’s tongue, and there was something so dirty and hot as hell about that.

Blaine pulled away, searching Kurt’s face. Kurt wasn’t sure what he saw there, but it prompted him to ask, “I know you’re tired of me asking-”

“I want everything with you. I-” Kurt wouldn’t have thought it possible, but he felt his face flush an even deeper shade of red. He didn’t drop Blaine’s gaze, though. “I want you inside of me.”

Blaine swore, capturing Kurt’s mouth in a bruising kiss. Kurt gave as good as he got, licking into Blaine’s mouth fervently. When Blaine pulled back, they were both gasping.

“Have you ever…?” Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow. It took Kurt a moment to understand what he was asking.

Kurt shook his head, biting his swollen bottom lip. He'd thought about trying to...finger himself in the past, but he always chickened out.

Blaine gave him a soft smile. “That’s okay. We’ll go slow. You need to let me know if it’s too much.”

Kurt nodded, ducking his face into Blaine’s neck to hide his embarrassment. Blaine kissed his neck, softer now. Sweet.

Kurt heard the snick of the lube being opened, and then Blaine was grabbing his leg hitching it up for Kurt to wrap it around him. He chewed on his bottom lip in earnest when he felt Blaine’s fingers gently rimming around his entrance.

Blaine probed one finger at his center. Kurt tried to make himself relax, taking a few even breaths. Blaine pushed harder and Kurt felt his fingertip slide in. Blaine paused to let Kurt get used to the feeling. It stang the smallest bit, but nothing like he was expecting. It mostly felt foreign. 

When Kurt relaxed around the intrusion, Blaine pushed in deeper, down past his second knuckle. He paused again. “Okay so far?” Blaine asked.

Kurt nodded, pressing a kiss into Blaine’s neck. Blaine took that as permission to slide his finger out torturously slowly. Kurt breathed in deeply, focusing on the strange sensation. Blaine pushed in again, going a little deeper this time, and Kurt found himself rocking his hips into it. Blaine started mouthing at Kurt’s neck as he fucked Kurt with his finger.

“Ready for another one?” Blaine breathed into his ear.

“ Yes ,” Kurt said, attempting to spread his legs wider to give Blaine better access.

Blaine chuckled. “Eager.”

He captured Kurt’s mouth in a kiss as he pressed a second finger inside of him. Kurt felt more stinging this time at the tight stretch, just this side of uncomfortable. Blaine kept his movements slow, though, and it didn't take long at all for Kurt to get accustomed to it.

Blaine scissored his fingers, opening Kurt up gradually. When Kurt could take two fingers to the hilt, Blaine crooked them up deliberately, rubbing against a spot inside of him that made him see stars. “Oh my  God ,” Kurt cried out. His hips jerked unbidden, seeking more stimulation.

“You like that, huh?” Blaine said, his mouth contorted into a smug smile.

Kurt didn’t even have it in him to be sassy because  _ hell yes _ he liked that. Blaine stroked against his prostate again, and Kurt grinded down into it, panting at the shock of pleasure that shot through him. Blaine pulled away from him, sitting back on his knees but not pulling his fingers out of Kurt.

He grabbed the bottle of lube, adding some more to his fingers before probing with a third finger at Kurt’s entrance. Kurt relaxed, already used to the sensation of letting things inside of him. The third one was the tightest fit, but Kurt was so open, he took it the easiest. Blaine rewarded him with some well-placed caresses against his prostate.

Kurt keened, rocking his hips down against Blaine’s fingers. “Please, Blaine,” Kurt gasped. “I’m ready. I want you.”

Blaine let out a shaky breath, running his hand down Kurt’s midsection, stopping to stroke his leaking cock a few purposeful times. “Do you want to- It might be easier from behind at first.”

Kurt shook his head, arching his back as Blaine continued to stroke him. “Like this. I want to see you.”

Blaine slid his fingers out of Kurt. He grabbed the condom from beside them on the bed and ripped the packed open. He rolled it down over himself and added some extra lube on top for good measure. 

He lowered himself over Kurt, and Kurt wrapped both of his legs around Blaine’s waist. Blaine paused, and Kurt said, “Oh my God, Blaine, if you ask me if I’m sure one more time-”

Blaine kissed Kurt cutting him off. He pulled back. “I was just going to say that I love you.”

Kurt’s face dissolved into a soft smile. “And I love you.”

Blaine reached down between them with the arm he wasn’t using to balance his weight and lined himself up with Kurt’s entrance. Kurt felt himself tense up at how  big Blaine felt against him.

“Relax,” Blaine breathed against Kurt’s lips. Kurt nodded softly, forcing himself to relax like he’d done against Blaine’s fingers before. When he felt like Kurt was ready, Blaine pushed inside of him gently. Kurt hissed around the sting, and Blaine halted about halfway inside him.

“Just need a second,” Kurt said.

“Me too,” Blaine said, his voice rough. “You’re so fucking tight, Kurt.”

Shivers went up Kurt’s spine at that, at the lust in Blaine’s voice that he inspired.

After a few moments, Blaine moved some more, sinking all the way into Kurt. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, running a hand through his hair while his other hand reached for purchase. Blaine pulled out of Kurt slowly, and pushed his way back inside again.

The movements set Kurt’s nerve endings on fire. He felt so connected to Blaine, like he couldn’t tell where he ended and Blaine began.

When he was sure Kurt was ready for it, Blaine started rocking into Kurt in earnest. He angled his hips slightly up, and Kurt arched his back to keep them connected. When Blaine fucked into him this time, he nailed Kurt’s prostate, and Kurt cried out.

Blaine picked up the pace, both of them getting closer and Kurt was being too loud, he knew, but he couldn’t help the high-pitched squeal that came out each time Blaine hit that  _ amazingwonderfulfantastic _ place inside of him. 

Blaine got his hand between them and stroked Kurt once, twice and then he was spilling between with with a moan into Blaine’s open mouth. Blaine let out a groan of his own, pumping into Kurt a few more times before cumming inside of him.

They laid there for a few moments, wrapped in each other’s arms as they tried to catch their breath. Blaine was softening inside him, and it hit Kurt very suddenly that he wasn’t a virgin anymore. He didn’t feel like he thought he would. He didn’t feel like he lost something. He felt like he gained something, or maybe he had surrendered a piece of himself to Blaine, but he’d gotten a piece of Blaine in return.

It was just so different than anything Kurt had ever experienced. He had never felt more desireable, more loved than he felt in this moment with Blaine. This huge wave of emotion washed over Kurt, and he felt tears spill over his eyelids and down the sides of his face.

Blaine leaned back from Kurt, the smile on his face melting away into concern as he noticed the tear tracks on Kurt’s face. “Kurt?”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said, shaking his head.

“You regret it,” Blaine said, his voice hollow. It wasn’t a question.

“Blaine,  _ no _ ,” Kurt rushed to say. Before he could tighten his arms and keep Blaine there, he pulled out of Kurt and climbed off the bed.

“I tried to be careful-”

“You were. You didn’t hurt me.” Blaine had his back turned away, wouldn’t look at Kurt as he removed the condom and picked up his underwear from the floor, pulling them roughly up over his thighs. “I’m not upset, Blaine.”

Blaine scoffed, an angry, hard sound. “Is that why you’re crying, because you’re not upset?”

“I just got emotional,” Kurt said, wiping away the offending tears. Blaine picked up his jeans, pulling them on. “Blaine, I’m so glad-”

“I can’t be here right now,” Blaine said, and Kurt heard tears in his voice. “I’m sorry, Kurt. I need to go.”

“Blaine!” Kurt shouted. “Wait!  _ Blaine!”  _ He climbed off of Blaine’s bed and made to follow him when he heard the front door slam shut.

Kurt took a few deep breaths, focusing on the feeling of his lungs expanding and contracting in his chest. He blinked a few times, trying to keep tears of a different kind at bay. He leaned over and grabbed his underwear off the floor, feeling suddenly exposed by his nudity.

He pulled them up and over his thighs with shaking hands and then got out of bed to collect the rest of his clothes. He walked out into Blaine’s living room and sat down gingerly on the couch, wincing at the sting. Kurt reached out and grabbed his phone from Blaine’s coffee table. He clicked on his recent contacts and hit the call button next to Blaine’s name.

The couch cushion next to him vibrated, and Kurt’s stomach sank. He reached between the cushions and pulled out Blaine’s cell phone. It vibrated again in his hand, his own wide-eyed expression looking up at him from the screen.

Kurt sighed, ending the call on his own phone. He looked up at the tv, suddenly overly loud in the empty room. He grabbed the remote control and clicked it off.

He settled back onto the couch, pulling his knees up in front of him and wrapping his arms around them tightly. He let loose a few shaky breaths, blinking quickly. Finally, he gave up and let the tears fall.

*~*

Two hours later, Kurt was still curled up on Blaine’s couch alone. His tears had dried up, but he hadn’t moved in all the time that he sat there. About a half hour earlier, it occurred to Kurt that Blaine wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

The biggest part of Kurt wanted to go back to his apartment, crawl in his bed, and not come out for days, if ever. The smaller but ridiculously more vocal part of him knew he had to try and find Blaine. He was out at night alone with no phone, no coat, and he was obviously upset. Even in the wake of everything, Kurt knew Blaine needed him.

It took him some time to muster the energy to get up and find his shoes. He had trouble focusing as his mind swirled, thinking of all the places Blaine could be. He pulled out his phone and called Rachel. 

She answered on the second. “Hey, Kurt.”

“Hey. Have you seen Blaine?” He sat down on the couch, putting the phone between his shoulder and his ear so he could pull on his socks.

“Not since yesterday. I thought you were with him.”

“Yeah,” Kurt said with a hollow voice, “I was.”

“Kurt, is everything okay? You’re freaking me out. You sound really upset.”

He looked up at the ceiling and took a breath. “Not really.” He swallowed past a lump in his throat. “I’ll tell you later, okay? I can’t- just, will you call me if you see him?”

“Of course,” Rachel said. “If there’s anything I can do...”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

He pulled both of his shoes on and called Kelsey. She hadn’t seen Blaine since their rehearsal earlier in the afternoon.

That was it. All of the people Blaine might have gone to. He stood in the middle of Blaine’s living room, stumped. Blaine didn’t really go many places in the city. NYADA, but it was definitely closed. Either of their apartments or Kelsey’s place, and Blaine wasn’t at any of those places. The park maybe, or the coffee shop. One was closed and the other Blaine would have to be insane to go to so late at night.

The only places open this late that Blaine frequented were Callbacks or-

Dread filled Kurt’s stomach, heavy and writhing. The second he had the thought, he knew exactly where he would find Blaine. 

He grabbed his coat and walked out of Blaine’s apartment.


	16. I Need This Hole Gone

The loud music didn’t fill up the hollow in Blaine tonight the way it usually did. It had him making frequent trips back to the bar. He was doing shots of whiskey, and his favorite bartender was narrowing his eyes in concern with each additional drink he made for Blaine.

He hadn’t cut him off, though. That must mean Blaine wasn’t too sloppy yet. He hoped to get there soon. Thankful his wallet had been in the pants he’d grabbed, he passed some cash over to pay for his drink. He made his way back to the dance floor, grinding against random guys as he passed them. He wanted to be in the center of the room, in the middle of all of the sweating, writhing bodies until he didn’t know where they ended and he began.

When he felt like he was in the dead center of the dance floor, he started dancing with abandon by himself, pulse jumping with every upbeat of the house music. It didn’t take very long for a guy to come up behind him and press their bodies together. He grinded against Blaine’s ass, and it felt really good and really wrong at the same time. 

Blaine wasn’t in any position to analyze the feeling, so he pressed back into him instead and laid his head on the guy's shoulder, not even bothering to check and see what he looked like.

It could have been a minute or an hour later when Blaine felt someone snatch on his hand. His eyes shot open and he was staring into furious blue eyes.

“Kurt?” He didn’t say it loud enough to be heard over the music. He’d stopped moving, but the guy behind him keep grinding against him, drunk and oblivious to the drama unfolding.

“It’s time to go home.” The steely quality to Kurt’s voice made it clear that this wasn’t up for debate. It made Blaine’s hackles rise.

“I don’t want to go home. I’m dancing.” Blaine started moving again, trying to fall back into a rhythm, but he couldn’t quite catch the beat. He tried to pull his hand out of Kurt’s grasp, but the other boy only tightened his grip, refusing to let him go.

Kurt stepped up to him, putting their faces only inches apart. “You’re drunk, you’re upset, and I’m taking you home. Now.”

Blaine had trouble focusing with Kurt so close. His eyes trailed down to Kurt’s lips, and without thinking, he surged forward in an attempt to kiss him. Kurt turned his face away before their mouths could meet. 

“Unbelievable,” Kurt said, shaking his head. He pulled on Blaine’s hand, and this time Blaine didn’t protest as he followed Kurt, his pride feeling too stung to put up a fight.

The guy wrapped around him relinquished him with ease, and together he and Kurt slowly made their way through the crowd. Between the alcohol, his mood, and the tension, it felt other-worldly to squeeze between people in blissed out, substance and hormone-induced ecstasy all around them.

Blaine wasn’t sure how long it took them to cross the room, but he knew Kurt’s determined shoving got them through faster than he could have. Before long, they were out in the cold night air. 

Kurt dropped his hand like it was something dirty as soon as he no longer needed an anchor to get out of the club. Blaine looked down at it, then shoved it in his pocket. Chill bumps broke out over his arms, but the whiskey buzzing through his system infused him with warmth.

A cab creeped past with the light on, and Kurt waved it down. The brake lights shown as the car came to a stop next to the sidewalk. Kurt pulled the door open and gestured for Blaine to climb in, his face still puckered up into a scowl.

Blaine frowned but got in the car, scooting over to leave barely enough room for Kurt to squeeze in beside him. Kurt slammed the door behind himself and told the cab driver Blaine’s address.

They eased into traffic. The driver didn’t have the radio on, and the silence felt tense. Blaine felt his head swimming and his gut churning as he tried to sober up and focus.

“Kurt…” he started, not sure where he planned on ending the sentence.

“Don’t,” Kurt cut him off. “I really don’t want to talk to you while you’re like this.”

Anger flared up in Blaine’s stomach. He scooted away from Kurt, giving himself some space. “Well then maybe you shouldn’t have came and dragged me away when I was having a good time.”

Kurt turned his head to meet Blaine’s eyes. The cold look hollowed something out inside of Blaine. “I came because I was worried about you. Which is more courtesy than you could muster up for me. Especially after-”  He cut himself off. 

“After what, Kurt? Huh? After what?” Kurt shook his head, turning his gaze to look out the window. “After I fucked you and then left you high and dry? Is that what you were going to say?”

Kurt turned his head back to Blaine sharply, his brow furrowed low. “We’re not talking about this now.”

“What’s the matter, Kurt? Still having trouble processing how having sex with me was so terrible?”

Kurt shook his head slowly. “I have never known you to be  mean , Blaine. Who are you right now?”

“Guess you don’t know me as well as you think you do, then.” Blaine huffed, his face contorted into a sneer.

A flush rose high on Kurt’s porcelain cheeks. “I guess not,” he said, his voice cracking.

Blaine turned to look out the window. The lights and buildings going by did nothing for his spinning head. A part of him knew he would hate himself later for the things he was saying to Kurt, for how he was hurting him on purpose. If he hated himself, well, what else was new? He didn’t have control enough of himself to stop now. He wanted to lash out, to spread some of the pain that was splitting him open so it didn’t overtake him completely.

“You don’t really know me at all, actually,” Blaine concluded, turning back to Kurt with an empty expression.

“You know that’s not true.”

“Oh, yeah? Want to know what I was thinking when I first saw you in Gates’ class?” Blaine waited, but Kurt didn’t respond. It didn’t matter. He knew Kurt was hanging on his every word. “I thought, ‘I can’t wait to fuck that guy and get it out of my system.’ Does that sound like the Blaine you know?”

Kurt’s mouth gaped in horrified shock. Tears sprang up in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks in two perfect crystalline tracks. “Well, I guess you finally got what you wanted.”

Blaine chuckled, the sound artificial to his own ears. “I guess so.” 

Kurt sniffled, pulling his wallet out of his pocket to grab a few bills. “Can you pull over, please?” he asked the cab driver. The cabbie eased the car to the side of the street, and Kurt handed him way more than enough to cover the fair. “You can just bring him to the address I gave you before. Thank you.”

Kurt opened the door and slammed it behind him without a backwards glance at Blaine, causing something to crumble inside of him.

“Keep going?” the cab driver asked in a heavy accent. Blaine thought he saw some judgement in the older man’s gaze. He deserved nothing less.

He thought about getting out of the cab, chasing after Kurt. Screaming apologies at the top of his lungs until all of New York knew how much Blaine loved him. He thought he might sooner be able to step out of the cab and fly.

He nodded, wrapping his arms around his abdomen. “Yeah,” he said, his voice breaking. “Keep going.”


	17. Not Really Sure How to Feel About It

The next morning Rachel came out of her room with her hair in a messy bun, hand covering a yawn. Kurt was sitting on their couch, hands cupping a steaming mug of tea. He was wrapped in a dark satin robe and sitting curled up on the corner of the cushions.

He looked up at Rachel. When she took in his bloodshot eyes rimmed by dark circles, she rushed over and sat next to him. “Kurt, what’s wrong?”

He let out a watery breath, looking down at his mug. “Blaine and I had a huge fight.”

She wrapped an arm around him, hugging him tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was so bad, Rachel. I think… we’re definitely breaking up.”

“What happened?”

Kurt took a sip of his tea, swallowing thickly. He weighed briefly how much to share before deciding he really needed to tell someone what happened. He started at the beginning, telling her about the amazing sex so fantastic he literally cried and Blaine running out. Finding him at the club all over some other guy. That disaster of a cab ride and breaking down into tears on the train home.

Rachel rubbed a soothing hand up and down his back. “You know what he said wasn’t true, don’t you? I mean, maybe at first. You know how he was when you first met him. But c’mon, Kurt. You guys are disgustingly in love. There’s no way that was all pretend.”

“I don’t know anything anymore,” Kurt said. Tears hovered over his eyelids. He thought he was all cried out. “Besides, what he said wasn’t even the worst part. He was just so  _ vicious _ . So cold. I don’t see how I could trust him again after this.”

“No one would blame you for that.” She hugged him again. Kurt breathed in the familiar smell of her shampoo, letting it soothe him. “Do you want to stay in our pjs all day and watch sad movies and eat tons of carbs?”

Kurt sniffled, wiping the tears that finally spilled over his lids away. He nodded, offering her a sad smile when she released him. “That sounds great.”

*~*

Kurt wasn’t sure what brought him back to consciousness, and he had trouble figuring it out over the laser focus he had on the painful crick in his neck. He sat up, stretching his arms wide and rolling his neck left and then right to loosen it up a bit. He must have fallen asleep during  _ Terms of Endearment _ , Rachel’s second film choice in their Marathon of Wallowing.

A hissing noise drew his attention to the loft front door. It was open only a crack, and Rachel’s small frame was blocking anything else from his view.

He stood up, tightening his robe around his middle and walked over to hear better. 

“...never seen him like this,” Rachel hissed. “Never! Not even when he was getting the shit kicked out of him in high school every single day. You swore to me that you weren’t going to hurt him, Blaine. You swore it!”

_ Wait, what? _ Kurt guessed he shouldn’t be surprised that Rachel had given Blaine The Talk when he wasn’t around.

“I know,” Blaine said weakly. “I fucked up, okay? If you would just let me talk to him-”

“If you think for a second I’m letting you into this loft, you’ve got another thing coming. Anyway, I told you, he’s asleep.”

Kurt slid the door open and they both started, looking up at him. “Not anymore, actually.” He laid a hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Rach. We should talk.”

“Are you sure? If you need more time-”

“I’m fine, really.” Kurt cleared his throat. “Could you…”

“Of course, yeah. I’ll be in my room if you need anything at all, okay?” Kurt nodded. She sent one more glare back at Blaine before heading to her room and closing the door firmly behind her.

Kurt turned around, not even looking at Blaine as he walked back to the living room and sat stiffly on the couch. He heard the loft door slide shut, and the a few moments later, Blaine was settling gingerly on the cushion farthest from Kurt.

Kurt wrang his hands hard, his eyes fixed on his knuckles turning white. A tense, awkward silence descended over them. 

“Kurt,” Blaine said thickly. “Would you look at me, please?”

Kurt shook his head. “I can’t.” Blaine scooted closer to Kurt and moved his hand to place it over Kurt’s, but Kurt snatched them away. “Do  _ not  _ touch me.”

Kurt looked at Blaine’s face, then, but still couldn’t meet his gaze. Blaine’s face was crumpled, a complex mixture of heartbreak and remorse. He lowered his hand, resting it on the couch between them.

“I deserve that.”

Kurt crossed his arms tightly over his middle. “Yes, you do. Why are you here, Blaine?”

“I came to apologize,” Blaine said quickly. “To beg you to forgive me for every stupid, hurtful thing I did yesterday. You know that’s not who I am-”

“Do I?” Kurt looked up then, finally met Blaine’s gaze. His eyes were wide, tears collecting on his lower lids.

“Of course, Kurt.” Blaine glanced away, blinking rapidly. “How can you even say that?”

Kurt scoffed. “Seriously? How can I say that? How can I  _ not _ ? The Blaine I loved would never have said such horrible, cruel things to anybody, least of all me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I’ve know a person less.”

“Please don’t talk about us in the past tense. We’re not- please.” Blaine begged, tears spilling over onto his cheeks. “You just have to let me explain.”

Kurt stood up, needing to put some distance between himself and Blaine. “Then explain. You can start by explaining to me why you left me crying, naked and alone, after taking my virginity last night.”

“That was a mistake,” Blaine said, his voice breaking. “I just… when you started crying, I got so afraid that I had hurt you or done something you didn’t want and you didn’t know how to tell me. It freaked me out.”

Kurt shook his head. “That’s not why I was crying.”

“I know that now.” Blaine stood, holding out a placating hand. “I’ve processed everything you were saying before I bolted. Of course you were feeling emotional. That’s really normal after your first time, especially with everything you’ve been through. I just got so caught up in my own head, I couldn’t see it then. I’m so, so incredibly sorry for ruining that experience for you, Kurt.”

Kurt looked away, swallowing. “Fine, you were afraid so you ran… right into the arms of some other guy at that club I thought you were done with.”

“I didn’t know where else to go.” Blaine rain a hand through his messy curls. Kurt couldn’t help but notice Blaine was sporting some pretty dark circles of his own beneath his puffy eyes. “I just wanted to get a few drinks to calm down a little bit, and before I knew it, I was really drunk and dancing. Nothing happened, it was just dancing.”

“‘Just dancing.’” Kurt scoffed. “Okay. Now explain to me how you acted when I came to get you. And I swear to God, if the word ‘drunk’ comes out of your mouth-”

“I…” Blaine shook his head. “I don’t have an explanation for that. Not a good one at least. I just… I had it worked out in my head that you regretting having sex with me, and even if not that I definitely ruined things between us when I ran away. I’ve never felt as happy or as amazing as I feel when I’m with you, Kurt. I thought I had broken that, had broken us. Nothing has ever terrified me as much as the thought that I might lose you. So I lashed out. I said the meanest things I could think to say to you because it felt like everything was lost and you were going to leave me anyway.”

“So you lied? You never wanted to ‘get me out of your system’?” Blaine’s mouth opened, but he didn’t deny it. Didn’t say anything. Kurt raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Well?”

Blaine squared his jaw. “I didn’t lie. But you have to believe that we became so much more than that. As soon as I got to know you, those thoughts went out the window. I’m so in love with you, Kurt. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that for a second, but you have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt you.”

Blaine took a step towards Kurt, and Kurt moved away, turning his back on him. “Yes, you did. That’s exactly what you wanted when you said that to me.”

“Tell me what to do,” Blaine pleaded. “Tell me what to say to make this better, Kurt. You have to forgive me. I promise, I will never do anything like that again.”

Kurt turned around and faced Blaine, looking him in the eyes. “I could forgive you for being all over that other guy, and I could forgive you for feeling afraid after we made love. I can even forgive you for leaving me naked and alone after taking my virginity.” Kurt paused, taking a few even breaths through his nose. “But I can’t forgive you for hurting me on purpose. You made me feel more worthless than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. You made me feel worse than even Karofsky ever did, because I expected so much more from you. I  _ deserved _ so much more.”

Blaine flinched, taking an involuntary step back from Kurt. “You think I don’t know that you deserve better than me? I’ve always known that.” His voice was raw.

“That’s not what I’m saying. You are better than what you did last night. At least, I thought you were.” 

Blaine nodded, looking down at the floor. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“I don’t…” Kurt shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to trust you, and I don’t know how we come back from that. But I still love you.” Blaine’s head snapped up, hesitantly hopeful eyes trailing over Kurt’s face. “I think I just need some space to process everything that you said and that I’m feeling. And you need to find a way to deal with whatever it is you’re going through that’s brought us here.”

Blaine nodded quickly. “You're right. I do. I will. Will you… call me? When you’re ready to talk?”

“Yes. But right now I need you to go.”

Blaine made an aborted move to reach out to Kurt, but then he thought better of it. He walked toward the loft door instead, pausing before opening it to look over his shoulder. “I love you, Kurt.”

Kurt closed his eyes, opening them slowly. “I know.”


	18. I Can't Live Without You

_ Three Weeks Later _

“Blaine, hello. Come on in.”

Blaine smiled at Meredith, the counselor he’d been seeing at the student health center for the last few weeks. She was a larger woman in her mid-twenties with kind eyes and a sweet smile. Blaine instantly felt some of the tension in him fade away in her presence.  

She closed the door behind him and he went and sat on the worn blue couch on the opposite side of the room. She sat in the chair across from him and folded her hands in her lap, her plum colored skirt settling around her. “How has your week been?”

Blaine rubbed a hand through his curls. “It’s been okay, you know. Considering. I’m feeling a little better than I was last week.”

Meredith’s expression was warm and compassionate. “Oh? Why’s that?”

“Not sure,” Blaine said, shrugging one shoulder. “Time, I guess. Kurt hasn’t reached out yet, if that’s what you’re asking. But I’m glad that I’m coming here and talking to you.”

“It sounds like you believe our sessions have been beneficial for you.” 

Blaine nodded. “They have. I mean, I still don’t trust myself not to start sleeping around again if things don’t work out with Kurt, but I’m in a much better place than I was the last time we fought.”

“You mean right before you started dating?”

“Right.”

“I know you told me a little bit about that fight in our first session,” Meredith said. “I’m wondering if you could give me a few more details so I can get a clearer picture of what that was like for you.”

“Well.” Blaine released a breath. “Like I said before, Kurt and I were classmates paired together for the semester. We became close friends really quickly, and then I- I decided to ask him out. Or… ‘ask him out’ maybe isn’t an accurate way to say that. More like…” Blaine felt his cheeks flush. “I sort of declared that I was falling in love with him via serenade.”

Meredith smiled softly. “So kind of an intense start.”

Blaine laughed nervously. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“How did Kurt react?”

“Not well,” Blaine admitted. “He got upset and ran away, basically.”

Meredith leaned forward, her brow furrowed with concern. “How did that feel for you?”

Blaine leaned back against the couch, considering. “It felt… devastating. In that moment.”

“Were you maybe feeling really rejected?”

“Definitely, yeah. I felt kind of worthless. Unlovable.” Blaine cleared his throat to try and get past the lump that was lodged there.

She nodded. “It can certainly be very difficult to make yourself vulnerable like that and to have someone not respond very favorably.”

“It was.”

“And what happened after that? The two of you obviously ended up together.”

“It’s kind of stupid actually. I brought some other guy to a party I knew he would be at to make him jealous,” Blaine laughed softly, the sour feeling in his stomach dampening the slightest bit. “It actually worked if you can believe that.”

Meredith smiled. “Did he run up and tear you two apart like in a movie? Like, ‘Get off my man!’”

Blaine smiled, tucking one of his legs under his other knee on the couch. “You wouldn’t expect anything less from a bunch of performing arts majors, would you? No, actually he just left the party and I followed him. We were screaming at each other in the hallway. Still suitably dramatic, I would say.”

“What did he tell you in the hallway? What actually got you guys together?”

Blaine pursed his lips, thinking back to that night at Kelsey’s. How anxious he had been the whole evening, how tuned in he was to Kurt’s every movement. The look on Kurt’s face when Blaine found him in the hallway. “I asked if he wanted me, and he said yes.”

Nodding, Meredith asked, “And what was that like for you? Pretty exciting, I would imagine.”

“It was…” Blaine breathed deeply, and on an exhale he said, “It was _everything_. Euphoric as hell.”

“Did it make you feel lovable? Worthwhile?”

“Yeah,” Blaine said. “I guess it did.”

“So, when you thought Kurt didn’t want you, you were worthless, but when you learned he did, suddenly you felt like you had worth.”

He looked away and ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, when you say it like that…” She was silent, giving him room to process. “It kind of makes it sound like I base my worth on what Kurt thinks of me.”

“Just on what Kurt thinks of you?” Meredith cocked her head to the side a little bit.

“What do you mean?”

“I guess I’m asking if you can think of any other times in your life when you feel like you base your own worth on how other people perceive you.”

Blaine furrowed his brow. His eyes trailed to the seams on the threadbare blue couch. He started to pick at a loose thread. “Performances, maybe,” he said after a long pause. “Not really, though. I mean, I still think I’m talented even if I bomb one performance. If I started bombing all of them or flunking my classes, maybe that would affect how I see myself.”

“Okay,” Meredith said. “Anything else?”

Blaine thought some more about his parents or his professors. He didn’t think they necessarily determined his worth. He’d told his dad to fuck off more than once when he’d disproved of Blaine’s actions. And then it hit him. “You mean the guys I sleep with. That when I sleep around, I feel like I’m worth something because they want me.”

“It was just a question. I would never try to put words in your mouth,” she said, shaking her head. “You did seem to land there, though. Do you think you feel that way?”

“Maybe so,” Blaine said quietly. “I always told myself I was just doing it for fun, but there were times when I felt this unexplainable need to have to sleep with someone, and I would feel like shit if I didn’t. I guess it makes sense that I was using sex to determine my worth, so that’s why I felt like I had to do it.”

“I think it’s really brave of you to be able to confront that in yourself, Blaine. It’s not always easy to recognize how harmful the habits we create can be to ourselves.”

“What do I do about it, though? It feels like I’ve been doing it so long I don’t know how else to be.”

Meredith nodded. “Change can be difficult,” she agreed. “If you’re willing, I’ve got a few things we can try.”

“I definitely am.”

*~*

Blaine leaned against his kitchen counter, a small glass of cranberry juice in his hand. 

Jonah leaned up next to him, a little too close for comfort. “Robert,” Jonah said, “did you ever have a… homosexual experience?”

Blaine turned his attention from his kitchen floor on which he was imagining people dancing to give Jonah his attention. “I beg your pardon?” Blaine said with a furrowed brow.

“Oh, I don’t mean as a kid.” Jonah gestured with his own drink, sloshing some of its contents on the counter. “ I mean, since you’ve been an adult. Have you ever?”

“Well, yes, actually.” Blaine ran a hand over the back of his head, shrugging sheepishly. “Yeah, I have.”

“Yeah, so have I,” Jonah muttered. “You’re not gay, are you?” he asked, louder.

“No, no.” Blaine laughed. “Are you?”

“No, no, for chrissake.” Jonah chuckled, but it sounded a little weak. Blaine needed to remember to commend him on that later. “But I’ve done it more than once, though.”

“Is that so?” Blaine turned his attention back to the “dance floor.”

“Yeah,” Jonah said. “I think sometimes you meet somebody and you just- you love the crap out of them. You know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Blaine said absentmindedly. “Absolutely.”

Jonah turned his attention from Blaine to the kitchen floor as well. “And, sometimes you just want to manifest that love, that’s all.”

“Yes, I understand. That’s true.” Blaine took a sip from his drink, dangling it in front of him a bit.

“I think that sometimes you can even know someone for a long time, and…” Blaine turned to look at Jonah. His face was scrunched up in concentration. “And then suddenly…” He groaned. “ _ Shit _ !”

“Hey, don't beat yourself up,” Blaine said kindly. “We still have tons of time to get off-book for this.”

Jonah sighed, hunching over the counter and banging his head on his forearm. The kitchen light shimmered off of his neat blond hair. “You and Ava have been off-book for weeks. Nearly the whole cast.”

“That’s why we’re practicing. It’s Sondheim. The songs are the tricker part anyway, and you’ve focused on nailing those. That’s okay.”

Jonah turned his head, peeking an eye open at Blaine. “You’re too nice.”

Blaine laughed, the sound a little weak to his own ears. “I’m really not.”

“You are-” Jonah righted himself, knocking his glass of cranberry juice over. It splashed all over his white shirt and he yelped. “Are you kidding me? First that nightmare of a rehearsal and now this? I look like Carrie at the freaking prom!”

Blaine stifled his laughter, rounding the counter to grab some paper towels for him. “First of all, rehearsal was fine. Here, try to dry it up a little bit. You can borrow one of my shirts.”

“‘I’m not a nice person,’” Jonah says in a deep, mocking voice as he scrubs at his shirt. “You’re my Mother-freaking Teresa today, Blaine Anderson.”

Blaine laughed. “It’s a shirt, Jonah. I’m not writing you into my last will and testament.”

Blaine walked to his bedroom and opened his closet, Jonah trailing behind him. “Could you, though? This apartment is nice as fuck.”

Blaine rolled his eyes as he flipped through his clothes. “I’ll consider it.”

"So, anyway, how was your counseling 'sesh' today? Did Meredith counsel the crap out of you or what?" Jonah knocked his shoulder into Blaine's.

Blaine smiled, shaking his head. "Actually, she did. Thanks again for recommending her. It's helping a lot more than I expected."

"No prob, Rob. That's what castmates are for."

As Blaine shuffled through some hangers, there was a knock at his front door. Blaine stilled his hands and furrowed his brow. “Visitor?” Jonah asked.

“I guess so. Don’t know how they got past the doorman. You can just pick out anything. I’ll be right back.”

Blaine left Jonah to rifle through his closet as he went and answered the door.

“Kurt?” Blaine breathed. And indeed Kurt was standing there, dressed impeccably but with eyes filled with so much vulnerability Blaine wanted to wrap him in his arms.

“Hey,” Kurt said, giving Blaine a weak smile. “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Of course! I’m so glad you’re here.” Blaine opened the door wider, stepping back so Kurt could cross the threshold.

Blaine closed the door behind him as Kurt took a few tentative steps toward the living room, spinning around to face him. “So, I’ve been thinking a lot…” Kurt trailed off, his eyes wandering to Blaine’s bedroom where a shirtless Jonah was walking out holding one of Blaine’s button-ups in his hand.

“Blaine, is it okay-” Jonah cut himself off, perhaps noticing the mounting tension in the room. “Woah, weird vibe.”

Blaine looked at Kurt, watched him narrow hurt-filled eyes.  “Wow.” Kurt laughed, low and humorless. “Guess I should have figured.” Kurt turned to walk back towards the door.

Blaine looked back and forth, realizing what a half-naked guy coming out of his room would look like to Kurt. “No, no, no,” Blaine said, reaching out a hand to grab Kurt by the arm. “We were just rehearsing. Jonah is playing Peter in the show.”

Kurt yanked his arm out of Blaine’s grasp, turning on his heel and glaring at Blaine. “Funny, I don’t recall a nude scene in the original Sondheim. Are you guys doing some sort of modern interpretation?”

“He spilled juice on himself,” Blaine said. His heart started beating faster, a mixture of fear and anger. He took a deep breath. “Kurt, nothing happened.”

Kurt shook his head. “I don’t believe you.”

“Honey,” Jonah said, cocking his head to the side, “jealousy isn’t a good look on anyone.”

“Not helping, Jonah,” Blaine said through his teeth.

Jonah threw his hands up. “Fine, fine. I’ll just...make myself scarce. Blaine, thanks for the help and for the shirt. I’ll bring it back to you at rehearsal on Friday.”

“No problem.”

Kurt stood there with his arms crossed while Jonah pulled on the borrowed shirt and grabbed his bag. He gave Blaine an awkward little wave and rushed out the door, sucking all of the oxygen out of the room when he left. 

Blaine ran a hand through his hair. “Kurt, I swear, nothing happened.”

Kurt pursed his lips. “You know, Blaine, the thing is that might be true, but I have no idea one way or another. That’s pretty telling, wouldn’t you say?”

Blaine’s eyes widened in shock. “How is that fair? I get that you’re upset over everything that happened, and I will apologize a million times if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me for that. But, Kurt, I have never lied to you and I have  _ never _ cheated on you.”

Kurt shook his head slowly, walking over to the window to look out at the street below. “I don’t trust you, Blaine,” he said quietly.

Blaine laughed bitterly, blinking his stinging eyes rapidly. “Did you ever? You always knew I was going to hurt you, right? You always thought the worst of me.” 

Kurt turned around to face him. Blaine tried to ignore the splintering feeling in his chest at the tears that flowed freely down Kurt’s cheeks. “You always made it really easy to. Do you think I want to not trust you? I’m so tired of being mad at you, Blaine.”

“Then stop,” Blaine pleaded. “Forgive me, and we can go back to being us.” He crossed the room slowly, approaching Kurt like an animal that might flee if spooked. When Kurt didn’t back away, Blaine pulled Kurt’s hand into his, bringing their hands to his chest. Kurt closed his eyes and turned his face away, but he let Blaine keep his hand, let him touch him for the first time since their fight weeks ago. “Do you still love me?”

Kurt bit his bottom lip, sniffling. “You know I do.”

“I love you, too.” Blaine reached a hand up gently, tilting Kurt’s chin towards his face. Kurt opened his eyes but kept them stubbornly secured on a spot over Blaine’s shoulder. “Will you look at me, please?”

Kurt shook his head. “It hurts,” Kurt said over a broken sob. “It hurts to look at you. All I keep seeing is your face sneering at me, telling me I meant nothing to you.”

“I never said-”

Kurt’s eyes flashed, and he did meet Blaine’s gaze then. “You implied it.”

“You know that’s not true, though. You _know_ that.” Blaine felt tears trailing down his own cheeks now. He fought the need to wipe them away. “Kurt, I will never say anything like that to you again. I promise.”

Kurt looked away, eyes swimming with a mix of hurt and vulnerability and fear that sent a pang through Blaine’s chest. He inched closer slowly, giving Kurt time to pull away if he wanted to. When he didn’t, Blaine captured his lips in a slow, deep kiss, trying to infuse it with everything he was feeling, with all the love and apologies that he couldn’t say.

Kurt kissed him back, placing one of his hands on the side of Blaine’s face. Blaine nearly fainted with relief, but the feeling melted away when Kurt wrenched away from him.

“I can’t!” He hiccupped a sob, clamping a hand over his mouth.

He ran past Blaine to the door.

“Kurt!” Blaine spun around, taking a few steps but stopping when the door slammed behind Kurt.

Blaine let out a carnal yell, falling to his knees He keeled over, tightening both of his hands into his hair. He breathed deeply in the silence of the room, the only sound his own heart pounding in his vacant chest so loud it seemed to be reverberating off of the blank walls of his empty apartment.


	19. I Want You To Stay

Rachel slid Kurt’s door open and leaned against the frame. “How are you doing?” Her face was pinched in sympathy.

Kurt looked up at her with puffy eyes. “Great,” he said harshly, taking another gulp of his wine. He was starting to feel light-headed but no more light-hearted. What the hell was alcohol even good for anyway?

She crossed to his bed and sat beside him, rubbing a hand up and down his back. “It was just one performance.”

“Worth thirty percent of my grade,” Kurt said for the fourth time since he got home. “I’m going to fail.”

“You’re not going to fail, Kurt. You can talk to Madame Carroway when you’re feeling better. I’m sure she’d be willing to give you some extra credit. I’ve heard she’s really good about that kind of stuff.”

Kurt groaned, burying his head in the crook of his elbow. “I have never in my life been the Needs Extra Credit kid. I've always hated that kid.”

“Aw, honey.” She laid down beside him, resting her head against his shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with needing a little extra credit. No one would blame you for having trouble with doing a love scene after what you’ve been through lately.”

“We’re actors. We’re supposed to be able to perform no matter what’s going on in our personal lives.”

“Okay, you know what? That’s it. I’m just- I'm going to stay in tonight.”

“Absolutely not.” Kurt sat up, sliding her head off of his shoulder. Her head fell on his pillow with a soft plop.

“You’re upset! You shouldn’t be left alone.”

“You are just looking for an excuse to get out of your date, Rachel Berry.”

“I am not!” She sat up, too, and looked at Kurt indignantly. “I am trying to be supportive for my best friend in a time of need.”

“Well, your best friend would feel worse if you stayed home just for me. Please go and have a good time. Besides, I need to live vicariously through you.”

Rachel pulled her phone out of her jacket pocket and lit up the screen. “I’m already a little late. Really, are you sure? I’m sure Mark would be willing to reschedule.”

“He’s talented and hot and actually really nice. He’s practically a unicorn in this city. You don’t make a guy like that reschedule.”

She pursed her lips. “He is, isn’t he?” She hopped up, teetering on her heels. “Fine, but you call me if you need anything or if you just want me to come home. Promise?”

Kurt rolled his eyes and took another sip of his wine. “I promise. Now get your butt in gear, Berry.”

He swatted at her butt and she squawked. “I’m going, I’m going.” She turned back around when she got to his door. “Kurt? Last glass, okay?”

Kurt looked into his mostly empty wine glass. He toasted to her with it, drinking the rest of it down in one gulp.

“Have fun,” he said.

“Get some sleep,” she said back, sliding his door closed.

*~*

It wasn’t Kurt’s last glass. Wasn’t even close, actually. He lost count after the fourth, and then he guessed it didn’t matter when he tipped the last few drops out of the bottle into his open mouth.

He tried to set the bottle down beside his bed, but it thunked over onto the wood floor and rolled away. "It's gone rogue!" he slurred. Kurt cracked up, and then he couldn’t stop laughing. He held onto his sides, gasping for breath. When he finally calmed a bit, he felt a sudden overwhelming urge to pee.

He stood up on wobbly feet and stumbled his way to the bathroom. By some miracle he managed to do his business without any mishaps, but the focus it required was settling the bubbly, happy feeling he had for the last hour into something much more mellow.

He made his way back to his room and crawled in his bed. The loft felt too cold all of a sudden. Empty. He gripped his pillow tight, feeling the overwhelming urge to be wrapped in someone’s arms. Well, not someone. One person specifically.

Even drunk, some part of him knew that was a bad idea. He curled up into a ball and felt his breath accelerating. He wished the room would stop spinning.

Tears sprang up in his eyes so he clamped them shut, gripping his pillow even tighter to his chest. A sob wracked his body. The more he tried to fight off the tears, the more violent they became. He couldn’t catch his breath. Couldn’t stop crying. He needed-

He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his phone. Before his brain could catch up, his fingers were navigating to Blaine’s number in his phone.

It rang once before Blaine’s tentative voice spilled out of the speaker. “Kurt?”

“B-Blaine,” Kurt said, the word broken over a sob.

“Kurt, what’s wrong?” Concern bled through the speaker, only serving to feed that deep need inside of Kurt. “Are you hurt? Where are you?”

“I’m home,” Kurt said. “I’m okay, I just…” He hiccuped with an audible wheeze. “I need you. Please, Blaine. I need- I need-” He dissolved into tears again. Blaine said something he couldn’t hear over the sound of his own cries and the call disconnected.

Kurt clung to his pillow, his face buried in it’s plush folds. He was getting snot all over it, and he would regret that later, but right now the only thing he could feel was heart-achingly lonely.

He didn't know how much time had passed when his bedroom door slid open, spilling light over his prone form. “Kurt?” He didn't look up. His breath was still hitching softly, his having slowed to a trickle. “I knocked but there was no answer, so I used my key.” Blaine crossed the room slowly, sinking down on the bed behind him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry.” Kurt’s voice was hoarse. He closed his eyes tightly. “I shouldn’t have called.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Blaine placed a hand on Kurt’s shoulder, and it felt warm and solid through his thin shirt. “Did something happen?”

“I had a bad day, and then I drank too much wine. I really just...” Kurt rolled over, looking up at Blaine. “Could you…do you think you could stay for a while? Could you just lay with me?”

Blaine nodded slowly. “Of course.” He kicked off his shoes and pulled his jacket off of his shoulders, putting it on the floor next to Kurt’s bed. He laid down behind Kurt, careful to leave some space between them.

“Do you think you could...hold me?”

Kurt breathed a sigh of relief when he felt Blaine’s arm circle his waist. Kurt let go of the pillow, threading his fingers between Blaine’s.

“Thank you,” Kurt whispered in the dark.

“You’re going to be okay,” Blaine said. His warm breath against Kurt’s neck raised goosebumps on his arms. “Try and get some sleep.”

With feelings of contentment and security floating through him, Kurt's breath evened and his tears dried up. He drifted peacefully into unconsciousness. 

*~*

When he woke, Kurt felt like a sledge hammer was pounding around the inside of his skull. He groaned, squinting his eyes before opening them fully. Mid-morning light filtered through his bedroom window.

He realized he was lying on a surface much harder than the pillow he was used to. He looked up at Blaine’s sleeping face and closed his eyes tightly. “ _Dammit_.”

Kurt raised his face from Blaine’s chest and unfurled himself from where he was wrapped around him. He sat up, rubbing a hand down his face and stretching out his tired limbs. The movement jostled the bed, and Kurt’s eyes jumped to Blaine’s face. Blaine’s eyelashes fluttered as he floated into consciousness.

When his sleepy eyes met Kurt’s, he smile softly. “Morning,” he murmured.

“Good morning.” Kurt flushed under Blaine’s intense stare. Silence stretched between them.

Blaine sat up, yawning as he did so. “How are you feeling?”

Kurt cleared his throat. “Better,” he said. “Blaine, I’m so sorry that I called you like that. I was drunk, but I should never have-”

“Hey,” Blaine cut him off, shaking his head. “It’s okay.”

“It’s really not. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

Blaine’s concerned expression faded to a hurt one. It made Kurt feel even worse. “Right,” Blaine said. “I guess I should go.” He stood, grabbing his shoes from the floor.

Kurt stood too, feeling adrift as he watched Blaine get dressed. He wrapped his arms around his middle.

When he was done, Blaine ruffled his curls and gave Kurt a small nod. “I’ll… see you around.”

Kurt nodded back, and Blaine slid Kurt’s door open. “Blaine.” He looked over his shoulder at Kurt, eyebrows raised slightly in question. “Thank you,” Kurt whispered fervently.

Blaine’s face softened. “I’m never going to stop loving you, Kurt. Regardless of how you feel about me, I'm going to be here when you need me. No matter who we become, we’ll always belong to each other.”

Kurt took an audible breath. He felt Blaine’s words resonate deep inside of him. He crossed the room in a few strides, wrapping his arms around Blaine in a tight embrace.

He breathed in his and Blaine’s combined scent, made stronger by the night spent in each other's arms. Blaine wrapped his arm around Kurt and held him without pulling away or trying to speak to kiss or anything else.

Kurt wasn’t sure how long they stood there holding each other, but he did become sure of one thing as the minutes passed: Blaine was right. They would always belong to each other.

*~*

“Kurt, are you sure about this?” Callbacks was packed per usual on a Saturday night, and Kurt’s named had just been called to take his turn at open mic. Rachel grabbed his arm as he stood from his stool. “After everything-”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.” Kurt smiled reassuringly at her and then made his way to the stage.

He stood in front of the microphone, and released a shaky breath to try and dispel his nerves. The lights in the room were thankfully low, so it didn’t take long for Kurt to find and meet Blaine’s eyes. Kurt had been hyper aware of Blaine’s place at the bar next to some of the _Company_ cast members since he walked in a half hour ago. He hadn't been sure Blaine would even show up tonight, but there he sat.

Blaine was staring at Kurt, his mouth slightly parted as he stared intensely at Kurt from across the room.

Silence extended in the room, tense and expectant. Kurt took a deep breath, and without looking away from Blaine, he said, “I’d like to dedicate this song to the love of my life...Blaine Anderson.” Blaine’s eyebrows raised high in shock as Kurt’s words started to sink in. “Blaine, you sang me a song once. It was one of the most special, most terrifying moments of my life. It’s only as I’m standing here now that I realize how brave you were to do that. You make me want to be brave, too. I love you, Blaine. This song is for you.”

Blaine’s mouth was agape as Pascal plinked out the beginning notes on his piano, slightly slower than they were in the original song, and Kurt began to sing.

_All along it was a fever_  
_A cold sweat hot-headed believer_  
_I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something"_  
_He said, "If you dare, come a little closer"_  


_Round and around and around and around we go_  
_Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know_  
_Not really sure how to feel about it_  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you_  
_It takes me all the way_  


_I want you to stay_

It was so quiet Kurt could almost almost hear a pen drop. Everyone seemed laser focused on Kurt’s performance, but his eyes never left Blaine’s to be sure one way or another.

_It's not much of a life you're living_  
_It's not just something you take it's given_  
_Round and around and around and around we go_  
_Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know_  


_I want you to stay_

_Ooh, the reason I hold on_  
_Ooh, 'cause I need this hole gone_  
_Funny you're the broken one_  
_But I'm the only one who needed saving_  
_'Cause when you never see the light_  
_It's hard to know which one of us is caving_  


_Not really sure how to feel about it_  
_Something in the way you move_  
_Makes me feel like I can't live without you_  
_It takes me all the way_  


_I want you to stay, stay_

The melody shifted slightly, and Kurt smiled, grateful that Pascal had remembered his earlier request.

_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_Because I can’t help falling in love with you_  
 

_And I want you to stay_

Kurt stepped away from the microphone. He didn’t even register the shouts or applause coming from everyone else in the room. He only had eyes for Blaine, who seemed glued to his bar stool. Kurt crossed the room with dozens of eyes on him. The crowd seemed to part so he could reach Blaine, a murmur bubbling up around him.

He never broke Blaine’s gaze as he crossed the room. Blaine stood when he got closer, taking a few hesitant steps to meet Kurt. 

“Well?” Kurt asked, taking a shallow breath. His heart was pounding in his chest. “Will you say something?” 

Blaine blinked, looking down and away. “Kurt, are you sure?” he asked, barely above a whisper. “After everything you said-”

“I’m sure that I love you.” Kurt took a step closer to Blaine, and he smiled softly as he twined his fingers between Blaine’s. “You were there for me when I needed you, and you were so selfless to be there for me even when it hurt you. That’s who you really are, Blaine. That’s who _we_ are. I want to be there for you, too. Because you were right, we do belong to each other.”

Blaine shook his head softly, fighting back tears. His face was contorted in disbelief, but Kurt could see a sliver of hope reflecting in his eyes. “And you forgive me? Just like that?”

Kurt ducked his head, creating an even more intimate space between them. He didn’t know what anyone else in the room was doing and he didn’t care. “Just like that,” Kurt confirmed. “Can you forgive yourself?”

Blaine closed his eyes, pursing his lips. He opened them and looked back into Kurt’s. “Not yet.”

“We’ll get there.” Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hands.

“But what if I hurt you again, Kurt?”

“Hey, hey, you won’t.” Kurt cupped Blaine’s jaw. “You’re not perfect, Blaine. But neither am I. I just know that I’m so tired of running away from you. Do you still want me?”

Blaine took a sharp inhale. “Yes,” Blaine breathed. “Yes, of _course."_

Kurt wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly their mouths crashed together in a heated, passionate kiss. The bar around them erupted into cheers and applause, and Kurt would be embarrassed about their spectacle later, but right now all he could feel was warmth and happiness and love and _Blaine_. He’d never taken drugs, but if being high felt anything like this, Kurt could see now how people could get addicted.

They kissed and they kissed and they kissed. It was for a minute or an hour and they were young and beautiful and in love, and Kurt knew instantly that a small part of him would live in this moment forever.


	20. Epilogue: The Reason I Hold On

Kurt felt an alarming sense of déjà vu as he and Blaine stepped off the plane at the Columbus International Airport. Or déjà vu in reverse. Was that a thing? It was Kurt instead of Blaine that was freaking out this time. He was so damn anxious, he couldn’t organize his thoughts into anything resembling coherence.

Blaine squeezed his hand, and Kurt looked over to take in his boyfriend's reassuring smile. “You okay?”

Kurt swallowed thickly, shrugging. “Yeah. Just a little…”

“Nervous?” Kurt nodded. He was having trouble meeting Blaine’s intense gaze. Blaine pulled Kurt over to the side of the terminal to let other people pass and lowered his voice. “Kurt, if you’re not ready—”

“No, I am.” Kurt took a deep breath. “I am ready. I’ve gone over everything with Meredith so much, and I really just…I need my dad to know what happened to me.”

Blaine leaned forward and gave Kurt a soft, sweet kiss on the lips. “You are so strong,”—Blaine kissed him again—“and beautiful,”—he gave Kurt a third, more lingering kiss—“and brave. Your dad is going to be very proud of you.”

Kurt felt something flutter in his stomach, and it had nothing to do with fear this time. “I love you.”

Blaine hummed in agreement. “Almost as much as I love you.”

Kurt shook his head, grinning. “More.”

“Not possible, babe.” Blaine kissed Kurt again, deeper this time. Kurt felt his cheeks turning rosy.

“You realize we’re now one of those nauseating couples that everyone hates, don’t you?” Kurt said a little breathlessl when he broke away.

Blaine chuckled, pulling Kurt’s hand as they began walking toward the baggage claim again. “Could be worse. We could be having a sex marathon all over your apartment.”

Kurt groaned. “Oh, God. Why did you have to remind me? I’m going to need two bottles of bleach. One for the apartment and one for my brain.”

“I thought you were happy that Finn and Rachel finally worked everything out.”

Kurt wrinkled his nose. “I am, I’m really happy for them both. Doesn’t mean I want to picture them having sex on our living room couch.”

Blaine bumped Kurt with his shoulder. “At least we’re not the only ones.”

They rounded the corner just then, and Kurt saw his dad and Carol in the distance. He stutter-stepped, his heart kicking into hyper drive. Blaine veered to the baggage carousel to get their suitcase, their fingers nearly coming untwined when Kurt tightened his grip. “Wait, please. Don’t leave me.”

Blaine looked up at Kurt with eyes full of warmth and understanding. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  
_End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So wow! The end. Only took me like four years to finish, so I think I'm improving.
> 
> Did it get to shmoopy? Was it anticlimactic? Hope you enjoyed it either way. I forgot how much fun this ship was. Shout out to Shane for requesting I complete this story. Thanks, lady!


End file.
